Ch. 762 - Shatter

Praise is due my Lord God for what He is doing in my life - and your life, as well, I am sure... whether you realize He is working or not.

Let's just say that my God is loving. And faithful. And compassionate.
I feel so secure in knowing that He holds me in His hands. I am so glad that my identity is found in Jesus Christ. I may not fully understand what that means or what that looks like, but I understand to a great enough extent to realize how truly blessed I am.

You know, I've never been fully comfortable with... me. I don't know how often I have believed that I truly like myself. I think this is why I've always enjoyed being able to go up on stage for various performances and such... I get to be someone else. A character. An entirely different person. Someone who knows who they are. No deviants. They do not waver. They are strong. They always know what to say. Character interactions are flawless. And no matter what, things go as they are supposed to. The story in which the character "lives" flows just oh so nicely. But my own character? Natalie? Well.... she is not consistent. She is weak. She doesn't always know what to say. Sometimes her interactions with others are strained. And her story seems to stop and start, stop and start. She rarely knows what will happen next; unpredictability is a major theme in the story. However, that's what makes it real. Honest and sincere reality... it can be tough... but it is good.

But let's just say that sometimes, those tough parts of life can pretty easily lead you to define/see yourself in a negative manner. "Forgive and forget..." "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me..." These two sayings are, quite possibly, the most ridiculous and false statements ever coined. It can be very difficult to forget things done to you, or said to you - especially when those words that were said hurt. And they can. Hurt, I mean...

I am a very critical person. Hard on myself, hard on others. And I've really never had a very good or strong perception of myself. Confidence... self-esteem... rarely there. I put on masks, I put up fronts. I used to think that these things saved me. But I have honestly just recently realized how greatly these things have ultimately hurt me. I shudder to think of what - and whom - I have missed out on due to my pride and fear. I feel that I have developed such odd - false, even - views of the people and world around me.

I have always blamed the lack of action on other people's parts for the way I've felt. Alone. Disliked. Afraid. Excluded. Etc... But really, it was my lack of action that hindered my ability to think or feel otherwise. Sure, I understood the concept of a "two-way street". I just... didn't care enough to turn onto other streets. I was always waiting for others to turn onto my street.

There's more... so much more. There truly was a lot of hurt based on past experiences and whatnot. I have held onto these hurts for a very long time. They have weighed me down. They have made me bitter. They have made me hate [myself more so than others]. They have created disillusions. And really, they have made me tired. I am so tired of the enemy using them against me time and time again, just because I can't seem to let them go. I am so tired of letting the lies of the world influence me to a greater extent than the truths of the Lamb.

A week ago I had a conversation with a sister in Christ. She lives on my floor and is really neat. We've had a few conversations in the past, but nothing terribly serious or deep - yet they've always been great, and certainly appreciated on my side of things. But this talk we had was not fun. It was not desired. And it was not appreciated - at first, that is. It actually started with me asking her a question about someone else... funnily enough, about whether that second person was "real". Truly legit. Because said person had surprised me [in a good way] with words and actions. It seemed that they really did care. And I was taken aback by the realization of how much I both wanted and needed that. But I thought I would check with my sister just to be sure; I knew she could advise me because the two of them are close. Oh by the way, it turns out they are real. Anyway, that question/answer morphed into something unexpected. Long story short, I completely broke down. ... I hate it when that happens. All this "stuff" came pouring out and it was just.... aifudasljfkal. Gloriously awful. Awfully glorious. Take your pick. But let me tell you... I felt so loved. Just because she let me talk. And yet she didn't merely hear me, but also listened... and had input. Gave advice. Asked questions. Prayed for me. Over the weekend, I was able to have some more really great conversations with her. I am being completely honest when I say that I feel as if I finally have a good, true friend here at Central. She, too, is "real" and I am so glad that I have someone I can turn to in anything and everything. But man... it's been rough. I feel as if "my world" is falling down around me. It's like a glass vase, dangerously close to the table's edge... the table is bumped and you know what's going to happen. You want to do everything you can to stop the vase from falling to the floor and shattering into dozens of pieces - but you can't. Anyway, my sister has pointed out some pretty big faults in my thinking and habits... reminded me that people are not monsters... and helped me realize how much I need people. Especially the Body of Christ. His Bride. The Church.

I cannot be alone.
It is impossible.
It is unrealistic.
It is not what God desires for me.
And besides, I really don't want to be alone.
I feel like I've forced that upon myself in the past.
All because I'd developed this horrendous view of humanity.

No more.

I deserve better.
So do those around me.
And above all, God deserves my best.

This past week has been full of ups and downs.
Confusion.
Hysteria.
Questions.
Prayer.
Reflection.
Tears.
But really... it's been a long time coming.
And I can't wait to see what comes next.

"REND"
oh, how i hurt.
i feel HIS hand upon me.
crushing. tearing. breaking.
oh, the pain.
strength.
comforted.
for it is good.
[necessary.]
but oh GOD, my GOD, this is not what i desired.
"... that YOU would rend the heavens." [but...]
my heart?
a fear of fears.
[unprepared.]
oh, how i hurt.
i know joy.
i know peace.
i want more. [but...]
oh, the pain.
continue, oh GOD, my GOD.
for YOU love me.
[abide.]
rend.

New life.
The same me... but... different.
A phoenix, if you will.

Thankful.
So very, very thankful.


'Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.'
[Romans 12:15]

... I realize this may seem like an odd verse to end with, but for whatever reason it's been on repeat in my mind for the past week... so please forgive me.

Ch. 180 - All of Him

God is everything to me.
God is my Light.
God is my Father.
God is my Guide.
God is my Protector.
God is my Friend.
God is my Teacher.
God is my Healer.
God is my Provider.
I could go on, but I'm going to take the liberty of believing you get the picture.

When I think about everything that God is to me - as well as my brothers and sisters - I feel overwhelmed. He is such a compassionate, merciful, loving, forgiving God. At times I feel like I might break under what little understanding I have of Him.

But I want more.

I want more of God.
I want more of everything He was.
I want more of everything He is.
I want more of everything He will be.

I'm trying my best at this point in my life to be as selfless as possible. However, I think that wanting more of our God is something we should be selfish about. When I was a little girl my parents used to fight over me. They'd each tug on one arm and say, "She's mine - No, she's mine!" I loved this and I'd just laugh and laugh. My mom tells me this story now and then, I only vaguely remember them doing this. The reason I bring it up is that I like to think of playing tug-of-war over God with everybody else. There's enough of Him to go around over and over again, but we all want as much of Him as possible. I want God to be mine. Sure, I want to share Him with people that do not know Him and have it be that they also want God to be their own, but otherwise, I am going to be selfish with God.


'The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me besides quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.'
[Psalm 23:1-3]

I love that the last part of Psalm 23:3 says, 'He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.' It doesn't say 'He guides me in paths of righteousness for my sake' or even just 'He guides me in paths of righteousness.' No. '... for his name's sake.' Personally, that's a great reminder of the fact that I'm living my life for God and only God. It's all for Him. All the glory goes to God.

Ch. 164 - And So It Begins

I'm writing this from my room at Central Christian College of the Bible in Moberly, MO. I've settled in nicely and everything is pretty much a go. I don't start classes until Thursday. Central has a lot of things planned for the students before then, mostly for the benefit of getting to know our peers - as well as the faculty and staff - which is really nice.

Honestly though, I'm most excited for classes to begin. I mean, yes, I love meeting new people and making friends, but if that's what life is all about I wouldn't have left some of the best friends I've ever had in Salt Lake so that I could go to school here. I've decided that having friends while going to school is a benefit... however, a necessary benefit. Without friends you will not grow and flourish as nicely as you would if you have friends. They can definitely become like family and be a great support system. Besides, you never know which one of your friends will become your future husband or wife - which, yes, was mentioned last night at dinner by the president of Central.

Anyway.

I feel really comfortable here. This should be a great year. I know that God has some amazing things in store for not just myself, but all of the students at Central. I know I'm going to grow in so many ways, but I have no idea how that growth will occur... which makes it all the more exciting!


' "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." '
[Jeremiah 29:11-13]

That makes four.

Ch. 100 - Woman at the Well

I really didn't want to put up a video link two days in a row, so I figured I'd simply write out the video instead. I found this video poem on Godtube.com a few months ago and I fell in love with it. I thought about it today for some reason and watched it; the video is simply made, but the recitation is powerful and meaningful. If you'd like to check it out for yourself, go to http://www.godtube.com/ and in the search bar type "Woman at the Well".

Woman at the Well

I am a woman of no distinction, of little importance.
I am a woman of no reputation - save that which is bad.

You whisper as I pass by and cast judgmental glances,
though you don’t really take the time to look at me
or even get to know me, for

to be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known.

And otherwise what’s the point of doing either one of them in the first place?

I want to be known.
I want someone to look at my face and not just see two eyes, a nose, a mouth, and two ears,
but to see all that I am and could be -
all my hopes, loves and fears.

That’s too much to hope for, to wish for or pray for.
So I don’t, not anymore.
Now I keep to myself and by that I mean the pain,
pain that keeps me in my own, private jail -
the pain that’s brought me here at midday to this well.

To ask for a drink is no big request, but to ask it of me?
A woman unclean,
ashamed,
used and abused,
an outcast,
a failure,
a disappointment,
a sinner?

No drink passing from these hands to your lips could ever be refreshing, only condemning,
as I’m sure you condemn me now,
but you don’t.

You’re a man of no distinction though of the utmost importance.
A man with little reputation, at least so far.
You whisper and tell me to my face what all those glances have been about,
and you take the time to really look at me
but don’t need to get to know me.

For to be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known.

And you know me, you actually know me.
All of me and everything about me.
Every thought inside and hair on top of my head.
Every hurt stored up, every hope, every dread.
From my past and my future, all I am and could be.
You tell me everything, you tell me about me.

And that which is spoken by another would bring hate and condemnation,
coming from you brings love, grace, mercy, hope, and salvation.

I’ve heard of one to come who would save a wretch like me,
And here in my presence you say, “I am He.”

To be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known.

And I just met you but I love you.
I don’t know you but I want to get to.

Let me run back to town, this is way too much for just me.
There are others -
brothers,
sisters,
lovers,
haters,
the good and the bad,
sinners and saints -

who should hear what you’ve told me,
who should see what you’ve shown me,
who should taste what you gave me,
who should feel how you forgave me.

For to be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known.

And they all need this too,
we all do
need it for our own.


'When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, "Will you give me a drink?" (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.) The Samaritan woman said to him, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.) Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water." "Sir," the woman said, "you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?" Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." '
[John 4:7-14]

Ch. 98 - It's a Lifestyle

Christianity is a beautiful gift. God's grace, mercy and love - His giving us His Son to die for our sins... it's all a gift. And while it's nice to read the Bible and pray and go to church on Sunday, we shouldn't be constricted, in a sense, by merely going through the motions.

Don't take what you have for granted.
Don't live in a box created by others around you.

Branch out.
Reach out.

Love is not merely an emotion or a feeling. It's an action. People should know you're a Christian not by the cross necklace or WWJD? bracelet you wear, but instead by how you act and what you do - or even do not - say. Christianity should never be a commodity, an accessory put on to look good around certain people. In my opinion it really should be more along the lines of an absolute lifestyle. Live your life through Christianity. Live your life through Christ.


'... and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.'
[Ephesians 3:16-19]

Ch. 8 - Father Knows Best

I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm an incredibly anal person. I also believe I have OCD to a very small extent - you know, not where it gets in the way of living life 'normally,' but where you will hear me say 'I'm so OCD!' often enough that it makes you wonder. I like organization. I like to plan.

At one point, I had a plan. I had a plan and nothing was going to stop me from following through with it. I knew exactly how I wanted my life to pan out. I worked on this plan all last summer, and I thought it was brilliant. Just brilliant. Here's what would happen.

I'd move out of Iowa, go to the University of Utah. I would major in Middle Eastern Studies, continuing with the Arabic from high school. The summer after freshman year, I'd most likely study in the Middle East through the State Department Critical Language Scholarship Program. If I wasn't accepted, I'd go on my own to Cairo to CASA, or the Center for Arabic Study Abroad. I'd come back to Utah. The summers after sophomore and junior years, I'd intern for the FSO or CIA through their two-year programs, so that I could establish some connections and start to make a name for myself - and so that they would pay for my last two years of school. After I graduated, I would work for the FSO or CIA, because of loyalty commitments for when they paid for my schooling. After I was no longer required to work for them, I would work for an NGO, making approximately $200,000 a year, right off the bat, to translate for the NGO somewhere in the Middle East; sure, it'd be dangerous, but I'd work for the NGO just long enough to be able to pay off any loans, give some money to my parents as a 'thank you' for all they had done, and have enough in the bank to not have to worry for awhile. I'd then attend the Walsh School of Foreign Service at Georgetown University and go back to the State Department as a Foreign Service Officer, working my way up to be Deputy Chief of Missions in an embassy in the Middle East - preferably in Damascus, Syria. I'd live the good life. I was going to buy my parents a villa in Damascus (yes, there are Damascan villas), buy my brother the best trumpet money can buy, and give my sister and her husband money to go on the biggest shopping spree of their lives. Somewhere in there I'd marry and have one child; if I had a boy, I would then adopt a girl - and if I had a girl, I would then adopt a boy. I'd also sponsor at least three children from a third world country. I'd live in the Middle East for the rest of my life, and my children would be raised to speak both Arabic and English. I would also have a home in a southeastern state in America, because I've missed the South ever since my family moved to Iowa.

That was the plan, and I was going to stick with it until I had checked off every single item on the to-do list.

But God has something else in mind for me... even though I had concocted that plan, I've come to believe it's not His plan for me.

It took a few months here in Utah to happen, but God turned my life upside-down. He wrapped His arms around me and He's not letting go. In a very short amount of time, I experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly - only to have it return to not just the good, but the great. I had weeks on end of those infamous 'God highs'... I experienced absolute confusion and mystery (and still do, but that's another chapter for another day)... and I faced serious problems in regards to spiritual discernment. But in the end, I grew closer to God, matured in my faith, and learned a lot about myself because of the people I've met and the things I've experienced here.

So right now I don't have a real plan. I don't know what's going to happen, because I've given everything over to God and I'm putting my full trust in Him. I do know God has changed my heart. I know He's called me to serve Him. I know I won't be at the University of Utah next year. I know I'll either be on a summer project through Campus Crusade for Christ, or back in Cedar Rapids, Iowa this summer. But that's where it ends. And for the first time since I can remember, I'm ok with not having a plan.


' "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." '
[Jeremiah 29:11-13]

Ch. 3 - What She Saw; 30. 12. 07

'God is working on your heart - He's softening you, isn't He? You're seeing things for the first time... He's changing you.'

That's something my mom said to me. Paraphrased, of course. And I probably added something in there that I believe to be true, or something that I wish had been said. Anyway, I don't know if anyone would be able to comprehend the joy I felt in my heart when I heard those words come from the mouth of my beautiful mother. I had spent the past couple years being an insensitive, stubborn-headed fool. I realized awhile ago how cruel... truly cruel... I had been to my family. So to hear those words... it was magical. To hear from my mom - who's known me since before I was born, technically - that she can see the way God is working in me, was, quite possibly, the greatest gift I've ever received from her.

It's funny. I don't think I truly realized what was happening until she pointed it out.


'Circumcise your hearts, therefore, and do not be stiff-necked any longer.'
[Deuteronomy 10:16]

Preface

Alright, this is how it's going to be. My life, my way. No rules. I'm going to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and there's nothing in the universe that can get in my way. Lookout world, here I come!

... These were among my thoughts when I headed to Utah last August. Man oh man, was I glad to be getting out of Iowa. I wasn't leaving home, I was leaving a house, a handful of family members who happened to also be living in Iowa with me, and corn. Lots and lots of corn. Friends? Well, to be honest, I had been growing farther and farther away from them as last summer progressed, and I wasn't exactly in tears over leaving any of them. I say I wasn't leaving home because I never felt like Iowa was my home. I had moved from Alabama when I was ten and to be frank, never wanted to give Iowa a chance. Long story short, I actually did give it a chance, but felt like it didn't give me one in return. I felt restricted in Cedar Rapids, like I couldn't spread my wings. I also felt like I had come to be someone other than my true self.

Here in Utah, it's an entirely different story. I'm home. Granted, I have no family to turn to (physically, at least) and I'm living in a dorm, but that doesn't matter. My friends are my family and my home is Salt Lake, not a house in the woods on Indian Road. Sure, I miss exploring the woods and running the trails of Bever, using our woodchuck-infested barn as a 'secret passage' while playing capture the flag and kick the can at night, and playing 'crack the egg' on our feet-blackening trampoline with my 'big' little brother (who could be an amazing Olympic trampolinist or a fantastic diver if he really wanted to). But I'm ready to explore the Valley and run the mountainous trails, use south campus as my playground and find new 'secret passages,' and play 'promiscuous ninja' games with Darcy and Co.

But you know, what I really wanted to say is this: my thoughts from the beginning of the school year have changed. Remember how I thought nothing in the universe could get in my way of living life how I wanted to live it? I was wrong. Yeah, in case you didn't know, there's this... "Guy"... named God. He's kind of important. He will stop you in your tracks and turn you around a beautiful 180˚. Then, He will make you realize you can't live life your way, by your rules. You see, our God is a selfish God. He wants things done His way... by His rules. But our God is a loving and merciful God as well. He loves us more than our parents do, more than our friends do, and definitely more than we love ourselves. Our God is a generous God. He provides for all of our needs. He gives us gifts through the Holy Spirit, that, when used, glorify Him and help bring the Church together. He gives us answers to our prayers. And, as mentioned afore, He gives us Love. He pours out so much love onto us that we are to return it not only to Him, but to our neighbors as well. These are the two greatest commandments, and even if I could change them to be anything else, I wouldn't.

God is putting a new song in my heart and for this I am more grateful than I am for life itself. I had 'found' God again and things were going really well - or so I thought. I realize now that I was living a lie. I needed Him more than anything, but had pushed Him so far away... yet at the time I thought I had never been closer to Him. I thought everything was fine. It took a difficult confrontation and brutal honesty to wake me up from the daydream I was living in. I think you can be saved in a number of ways. Obviously, saved by Christ's blood is one of them. Another, saved literally - perhaps from a treacherous storm at sea, or from a burning house. You can be saved from an abusive situation. And you can be saved from yourself. I believe I was, indeed, saved from myself by two of my friends.

Since then, my relationship with God has been truly, entirely and beautifully real. I'm growing and learning. I've learned truths about myself. I've had prayers answered. I'm coming to believe that I know what God has in store for me and what He wants of me - for Him and others, perhaps around the world. I owe Him everything. He gave His only Son for us... who in turn gave His life for me. Me. A sinner. A girl who just the other day finally understood what John the Baptist was saying when he said, '... But one more powerful than I will come, the thongs of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie.' [Luke 3:16] Strange, right? I mean, it's a nice, simple verse - and its meaning is pretty straightforward. It was just one of those things... it... clicked. It sent a shiver up my spine. It's more meaningful to me than before.

A new start, that's what I've been given. A new start that is fresh and beautiful and good. This is my story.


'I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.'
[Ezekiel 36:26]