Ch. 785 - The List: Family

[Ahem... this was actually written on 23. April 2011. I will get caught up with my every-five-days posting... and then after that, I plan on trying to write every day again. Or perhaps only every other day... we shall see.]

I love my family.
A lot.

A lot, a lot, a lot.

I am so thankful to my Lord God that I have good relationships with my immediate family, especially my parents. I would not trade them for anything in this world. I think what I am most grateful for in them is their showing of love through the support they offer me. Their confidence in me is comforting, and I can rest assured in the fact that they believe in me and the journey I am on.

What a blessing my family is.

I really don't feel like I need to say anything else.

Ch. 780 - The List: Thankfulness

Alright, Thanksgiving is only eight months away. Better start thinking about what you're thankful for so that when it's your turn at the table to say something, you know just the right thing to say.

It has to be simple.
It has to be thoughtful.
It has to be meaningful.
... And you have to use the words 'God' and/or 'blessing'.
Preferably.

In all seriousness, though, I don't have a lot to say.

We don't give our Lord God 'thanks' often enough.
At least, not in my opinion.
Which means that really, I don't give Him thanks often enough.

But perhaps it is true that you do not, either.

So I challenge you to do exactly that.
Right now.
Just... give thanks.
Talk to God.
Thank Him for those blessings that He has so graciously bestowed upon you.
Thank Him for the seemingly meaningless things.
Thank Him for the small stuff.
Thank Him for... anything. Everything.

After all... He is God.
He kinda-sorta-totally deserves our thanksgiving.

Ch. 762 - Shatter

Praise is due my Lord God for what He is doing in my life - and your life, as well, I am sure... whether you realize He is working or not.

Let's just say that my God is loving. And faithful. And compassionate.
I feel so secure in knowing that He holds me in His hands. I am so glad that my identity is found in Jesus Christ. I may not fully understand what that means or what that looks like, but I understand to a great enough extent to realize how truly blessed I am.

You know, I've never been fully comfortable with... me. I don't know how often I have believed that I truly like myself. I think this is why I've always enjoyed being able to go up on stage for various performances and such... I get to be someone else. A character. An entirely different person. Someone who knows who they are. No deviants. They do not waver. They are strong. They always know what to say. Character interactions are flawless. And no matter what, things go as they are supposed to. The story in which the character "lives" flows just oh so nicely. But my own character? Natalie? Well.... she is not consistent. She is weak. She doesn't always know what to say. Sometimes her interactions with others are strained. And her story seems to stop and start, stop and start. She rarely knows what will happen next; unpredictability is a major theme in the story. However, that's what makes it real. Honest and sincere reality... it can be tough... but it is good.

But let's just say that sometimes, those tough parts of life can pretty easily lead you to define/see yourself in a negative manner. "Forgive and forget..." "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me..." These two sayings are, quite possibly, the most ridiculous and false statements ever coined. It can be very difficult to forget things done to you, or said to you - especially when those words that were said hurt. And they can. Hurt, I mean...

I am a very critical person. Hard on myself, hard on others. And I've really never had a very good or strong perception of myself. Confidence... self-esteem... rarely there. I put on masks, I put up fronts. I used to think that these things saved me. But I have honestly just recently realized how greatly these things have ultimately hurt me. I shudder to think of what - and whom - I have missed out on due to my pride and fear. I feel that I have developed such odd - false, even - views of the people and world around me.

I have always blamed the lack of action on other people's parts for the way I've felt. Alone. Disliked. Afraid. Excluded. Etc... But really, it was my lack of action that hindered my ability to think or feel otherwise. Sure, I understood the concept of a "two-way street". I just... didn't care enough to turn onto other streets. I was always waiting for others to turn onto my street.

There's more... so much more. There truly was a lot of hurt based on past experiences and whatnot. I have held onto these hurts for a very long time. They have weighed me down. They have made me bitter. They have made me hate [myself more so than others]. They have created disillusions. And really, they have made me tired. I am so tired of the enemy using them against me time and time again, just because I can't seem to let them go. I am so tired of letting the lies of the world influence me to a greater extent than the truths of the Lamb.

A week ago I had a conversation with a sister in Christ. She lives on my floor and is really neat. We've had a few conversations in the past, but nothing terribly serious or deep - yet they've always been great, and certainly appreciated on my side of things. But this talk we had was not fun. It was not desired. And it was not appreciated - at first, that is. It actually started with me asking her a question about someone else... funnily enough, about whether that second person was "real". Truly legit. Because said person had surprised me [in a good way] with words and actions. It seemed that they really did care. And I was taken aback by the realization of how much I both wanted and needed that. But I thought I would check with my sister just to be sure; I knew she could advise me because the two of them are close. Oh by the way, it turns out they are real. Anyway, that question/answer morphed into something unexpected. Long story short, I completely broke down. ... I hate it when that happens. All this "stuff" came pouring out and it was just.... aifudasljfkal. Gloriously awful. Awfully glorious. Take your pick. But let me tell you... I felt so loved. Just because she let me talk. And yet she didn't merely hear me, but also listened... and had input. Gave advice. Asked questions. Prayed for me. Over the weekend, I was able to have some more really great conversations with her. I am being completely honest when I say that I feel as if I finally have a good, true friend here at Central. She, too, is "real" and I am so glad that I have someone I can turn to in anything and everything. But man... it's been rough. I feel as if "my world" is falling down around me. It's like a glass vase, dangerously close to the table's edge... the table is bumped and you know what's going to happen. You want to do everything you can to stop the vase from falling to the floor and shattering into dozens of pieces - but you can't. Anyway, my sister has pointed out some pretty big faults in my thinking and habits... reminded me that people are not monsters... and helped me realize how much I need people. Especially the Body of Christ. His Bride. The Church.

I cannot be alone.
It is impossible.
It is unrealistic.
It is not what God desires for me.
And besides, I really don't want to be alone.
I feel like I've forced that upon myself in the past.
All because I'd developed this horrendous view of humanity.

No more.

I deserve better.
So do those around me.
And above all, God deserves my best.

This past week has been full of ups and downs.
Confusion.
Hysteria.
Questions.
Prayer.
Reflection.
Tears.
But really... it's been a long time coming.
And I can't wait to see what comes next.

"REND"
oh, how i hurt.
i feel HIS hand upon me.
crushing. tearing. breaking.
oh, the pain.
strength.
comforted.
for it is good.
[necessary.]
but oh GOD, my GOD, this is not what i desired.
"... that YOU would rend the heavens." [but...]
my heart?
a fear of fears.
[unprepared.]
oh, how i hurt.
i know joy.
i know peace.
i want more. [but...]
oh, the pain.
continue, oh GOD, my GOD.
for YOU love me.
[abide.]
rend.

New life.
The same me... but... different.
A phoenix, if you will.

Thankful.
So very, very thankful.


'Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.'
[Romans 12:15]

... I realize this may seem like an odd verse to end with, but for whatever reason it's been on repeat in my mind for the past week... so please forgive me.

Ch. 759 - Truths upon Truths

Oh, to be known by my Lord God... this is my delight.
Oh, to be loved by my Lord God... this is my joy.

And I am His delight. I am His joy.

I am not worthless.
I am of great value in His sight.

He has a plan for me.
A beautiful plan.
A challenging plan.
A plan that has been created to benefit His kingdom.

Redeemed.
Restored.
Refreshed.

I am so thankful that I was made for loving Him.


'For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.'
[1 Peter 1:18-19]

Ch. 654 - Constant

'I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.'
[Psalm 69:30]

This verse often convicts me in regards to the fact that we do not do either of these things. At least not in sincerity, with a pure heart - and certainly not often enough.

Ch. 258 - Give Thanks

I don't think we give thanks to God nearly as often as we should.
I think about this fact often, but especially when Thanksgiving rolls around.


'Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever'.
[Psalm 107:1]

Ch. 253 - Matter of Fact

I love school right now.
I've got so much to do.
Finals are in a couple weeks.
I've got research to perform, papers to write, reading, studying.
But I don't mind any of it, because I love what I'm in school for.
I love learning.
And through these obligations, these requirements, I am learning so incredibly much, as well as growing in my faith.
What more could I ask for?
Well.
I suppose I could ask for more assignments and such... but I'm not going to take it that far.
I'm not that weird.

Ch. 247 - A Nightmare of a Question

For the past six months I have been haunted by a question that always ends up floating to the front of my mind at least once before the end of the day. There are maybe three or four people who know what this question pertains to - and that's actually far too many, in my opinion. Thus, please forgive me for not posing said question at this point in time.

I was talking with a friend about it tonight. I was surprised to learn that the subject matter is something he struggles with, too. I found it interesting that in the sense of Christian conventionalism, we both have a very similar view regarding salvation.

I think God puts people such as my friend in our lives to let us know that we are not, in fact, alone in our trials and tribulations. It's nice to have a physical being to turn to... to get that immediate feedback when we need someone to listen and want that audible input.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know we can always talk to God and put our absolute trust in Him. We need to rely on Him. But it really is great to have that support in friends and family while we are here on earth.

I thank God for all the blessings He has bestowed upon me, especially within the last year. It has been a year and one month since God has truly turned my life upside-down and started to change my heart. I have so much to be grateful for. And I wouldn't want it any other way. Everything is connected. I wouldn't be here at Central Christian College of the Bible if it weren't for what happened last year out in Utah... but I also wouldn't be bothered daily by this daunting question if it weren't for what happened last year out in Utah... However, I keep my faith in God and try my best not to worry, because I am able to find strength and joy in Him and thus persevere daily. And I worship Him with my life because of what He and His Son have done for me.


'Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise - the fruit of lips that confess his name.'
[Hebrews 13:15]

Ch. 237 - Taking the Time, Revisited

Alright. So. I have not spent time to sit down and blog recently (for one week, to be precise). The last time this happened was only about two months ago. I didn't think it would happen again, but that is obviously not the case. I don't have any reasons for this happening. And I'm not going to make excuses... but I do think it's basically just laziness and going to bed later than I should be, thus not wanting to spend time writing. Just like last time, I am not going to try and catch up for each day missed. I'm simply going to pick up from right here, right now, and move on.

Diving straight in, things are going really well. I've actually been kind of down for the past couple weeks - but spiritually, things are on the incline. I've felt closer to God in the past four days or so than I have in quite some time. I don't really know what I'm doing differently. Praying and interceding more? Trying to listen to God better? Opening my Bible more (... and not just for class)? I think part of it is that I truly am slowing down. I'm still learning patience. I'm searching for joy every day. I'm taking in the beauty of all things and people. I'm learning so much, both in class and out of class. And I believe I am finally putting my words to action in focusing on God. I always say that I think I am, or that I am going to, but do I?

......

Let's just say that I am glad my God loves me no matter what.
And that I'm always glad to see how incredibly mighty my God is.
And that I'm always glad to see how very well God knows what is best.


This week's memory verse:

'So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience;'
[Colossians 3:12, NASB]

Ch. 229 - Grateful

When I feel like I have nowhere to turn... nobody to lean on... God provides. He gives me a path. He gives me a shoulder. And I am more grateful for this than you can imagine. He reminds me that He is with me. He created me. He loves me. I needed those reminders today and I received them through a great friend.

God is good.
All the time.


'A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.'
[Proverb 17:17]

Ch. 137 - Pulled Up By God

OUR GOD IS GOOD. ALL THE TIME.

This morning I got what I've been praying for.
I love the irony of it all.
On the verge of being quite upset about the whole situation, I decided to post about it yesterday. And here I am today, posting that I received what I've been praying for. Waiting for. Here's the best part: the sermon in church today was about waiting in patient hope. Beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.


'Out of the depths I cry to you,
O Lord;
O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.

If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the
morning,
more than watchmen wait for the
morning.

O Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.'
[Psalm 130]

My psalms reading for the evening were psalms 120 to 130. I almost lost it as I read Psalm 130. It was perfect. Is perfect.

Ch. 134 - The Thanksgiving

I worked outside in the yard for a long time today. It was a very pleasant day. A bit on the humid side - but I love warm, humid weather, so I was quite content. The sun was shining in a perfect, cerulean sky, a slight breeze blew across my face every so often... and for most of the day I had a cardinal singing to me while I worked. Truly, a beautiful day.

Now, once you've got a set task in mind and decide to start and you're up to your elbows in dirt, yard work doesn't require a lot of thinking. Just doing. So I had a lot of space for thought - and a lot of time to think. Thus, I did just that. I thought about all kinds of things. Of 'shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings'. Alright, so maybe I didn't think of said things. But I certainly could have! No, instead I thought about things along the lines of family and friends, future times and God. Surprise, surprise, eh? I must say, though, that sometimes I don't know what will come up next as I let my mind wander on random thoughts. So yes, at times my own thoughts surprise me. Or more like the way I get to thinking about something surprises me. For example, at the end of it all I'll think, 'How did I get from thinking about strawberries to my pillow, and then from my pillow to God? Honestly, Natalie.' [True thought, by the way.]

Anyway. Before I knew it, I was thinking about God. Same ol', same ol', really. How cool He is. How big and small He is. How loving He is. And before I knew it, I found myself thanking God for basically everything I could think of. And I mean everything. It was really a nice time to do so. I was living in a perfect day. In the presence of a perfect God. How could I not be thankful for, in fact, everything?

I've said before that I need to give thanks to God more often. If I am to truly worship Him every minute of every day by living my life for Him, it should take up more of my time than it presently does. I feel a mid-year resolution coming on...


'Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.'
[Ephesians 5:19-20]

......

Ch. 134, Part Two:

This week's memory verse:
'If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.'
[1 John 1:9]

Ch. 119 - A Map of My Life

I love that our God is so big and so small. He knows all the stars by name, as well as all our names. He knows all about us. Every little thing. He knows things about us that we don't even know. I've talked to people who believe that having an all-knowing God is scary. And condescending. And they want nothing to do with Him. They shut Him out, thinking that by doing so He will just... not be there. Not exist. But I love having an all-knowing God. It makes me feel safe. And I am comforted in knowing that by trusting Him, everything will be okay, because He has planned every step of my life. My God holds a map of my life in His hands. He unfolds that map and reveals it to me bit-by-bit. And I wouldn't have it any other way.


'The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the Lord upholds him with His hand.'
[Psalm 37:23-24, NKJV]

Ch. 112 - A Storm For Me

Tonight there were a lot of storms in east central Iowa, including Cedar Rapids. The thunderstorm lasted quite some time and I enjoyed every minute of it. I simply love storms. The lightning was so bright that it lit up our entire yard. The thunder was so tremendous that it shook the walls of our house. The storm was topped off with a round of hail.

For some reason I was really thankful for this storm. Even though Iowa's had so much rain this past month - and at one point I definitely would have given anything for a full day of sunshine - hearing the rain pour down outside made me incredibly happy.

I think it's partly because it simply gave me a good reminder of how powerful our God is. In a way I kind of needed that.

Man oh man, our God is good.


'But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.'
[Psalm 33:18-22]

Ch. 109 - I like people...

I'll admit it. When I get frustrated with someone, usually a stranger, I'll mutter "I hate people..." Is it true? Of course not. But when there's a mom with seven kids running circles around her in the middle of the sidewalk, blocking any possible way to walk around them, sometimes I can't help but be seized with a flash of anger. I may have gained some patience lately, but there's still a lot to learn and attain.

Anyway, the truth is, I like people. I love people. I like to give everyone benefit of the doubt and believe that they all have some good in them - or at least good intentions. So when I hear about people who are truly good people, it makes me love people in general even more. It gives me hope for mankind, as ominous as that may sound.

Today in service our youth pastor told the congregation how the folks from VIM (Volunteers in Mission, I believe) up in Minnesota, where the senior-hi was supposed to go on their mission trip, have decided to come down and help Phil (our youth pastor) out by organizing the off-site details for the senior-hi "trip". Phil has decided to stay here in Cedar Rapids for the mission trip so that they can help out with the flood relief and clean-up. However, he wants a traditional, off-site mission trip experience for the kids, so they'll be spending the nights and worship experiences out at Camp Hitaga. This is a huge relief for Phil and the other youth leaders, because they've been so busy lately with trying to figure out mission teams and what they're going to be doing throughout the summer for the people of Cedar Rapids. The team in Minnesota didn't have to come down and help out. They could have simply stayed up there and felt sorry for us and said, "Oh well. Nothing we can do. We have to deal with you not being here to help us with our camp." They're even donating the money the kids paid to go on the trip back to Cedar Rapids and the flood relief. So helpful.

So yes. I like people. A lot. I love people. A lot. It just goes to show that because God loves us, we can love as well. Maybe not as perfectly as He can, but it's worth trying to. 'Love thy neighbor' has never meant so much to me. This is going to be huge.


' "... but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord." '
[Leviticus 19:18]

Ch. 102 - Faaather

I like to call my dad 'father' sometimes. For example, I'll greet him when he comes in the door from work with a simple "Hello father," and he'll respond with "Hello daughter."

I like this.

Mostly I just call him dad, though. I've never been one to call him 'daddy'. He keeps saying that when my sister has her baby and he becomes a 'Grandaddy' or a 'Papa' that he will be called 'Grandfather.' And not just 'grandfather' - but 'grandfaaather' with a slight English accent. He can be so silly sometimes, I don't know what to do with him!

My dad's a great guy. At times he's a man of few words, but he makes them count. He's quiet. Not shy, really. Just quiet. And gentle! Yet he's not a gentle giant, exactly. I mean, he's not imposing, but he's not meek either. I think one of the things I like most about my dad is that he makes you feel comfortable when you're around him. There's something about his presence that makes you feel at home, wherever you are.

He always wants what is best for you, and only you. He cares for your well-being. I know that he will do anything to ensure our family's health, safety, security, and happiness.

'Father' is very intelligent. He's got one of those math and science brains that I would kill to have a piece of, but he's creative, too. He's got a good job at Rockwell Collins, but I worry about him sometimes because I think he's taken advantage of. He's dependable. Reliable. Quick-thinking. Hard-working. A problem-solver. In short, he'll get the job done, whatever the assignment is, and he'll get it done really well.

This world - and especially Rockwell Collins - could use more Kevin Keenes, that's for sure.

My dad has a beautiful heart and a good head on his shoulders. He is a man of integrity. He's down-to-earth, humble, patient, and a good servant and disciple of Christ. I am so lucky to have him in my life.


'Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.'
[Ephesians 6:4]

I believe my dad has done this and I am thankful for all he has done in his 19 years of raising me.

Ch. 95 - God's Great Grace

Man. Gotta love that alliteration.

Today was my first full day back in Iowa and I have enjoyed it very, very much. It was great going to church and attending the full-on traditional service that I have come to love entirely. We had a visiting pastor, though. He's the lay pastor of the United Methodist Church of Tanzania. His native language is Kurundi and he had a translator for his sermon. So, so, so neat. He's larger than life and knows how to keep your attention. He spoke of remembering to thank our God for His grace that He has given us. I believe that's really important because I don't think people often enough do so. I know I don't. I like to think that it pleases God by at least meaning to give Him thanks more often, but I know that by actually just doing it pleases Him even more.

These were the verses that the pastor's message was based on:


'Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance and called out in a loud voice, "Jesus, Master, have pity on us!" When he saw them, he said, "Go, show yourselves to the priests." And as they went, they were cleansed. One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus' feet and thanked him - and he was a Samaritan. Jesus asked, "Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?" Then he said to him, "Rise and go; your faith has made you well." '
[Luke 17:11-19]

Ch. 93 - God's Creation

God's creation is really beautiful.
Really, really beautiful.


'God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.'
[Genesis 1:31]

Ch. 92 - Mutti

I call my mom Mutti, which I picked up in German class a few years ago during high school. And it works, seeing how she's lived in Germany and became quite fluent and such. I wish I had stuck with the German, but no matter.

As I speak - er, type - Mutti is driving to Utah to pick me up and bring all of my belongings back to Iowa for the summer. She should be here in a couple of hours, actually. I am more grateful for her willingness to do this than you can imagine. I can't wait to see her. It's been five months today since I've seen Mutti and trust me when I say it's been too long. And to think that I was about to go until mid-October without seeing her or the rest of my family... unbelievable.

Lame or cliché as it may sound, I'm glad Mutti is my mom.

We're pretty close, and getting closer all the more. I believe we think alike and that our personalities are similar. We look a lot alike, too! I'm glad, because I think my mom is beautiful. She has an amazing heart, spirit and mind. She's a people person. I don't think there's anyone in this world that dislikes my mom. If there is, they are crazy. Ok, so I may be a little biased, but I honestly can say that people simply like my mom. And with good reason.

Sometimes I don't think she gives herself enough credit. She's done a lot of good for a lot of people, probably without realizing it. She didn't work for years at a time because she was raising three kids - a job in itself. And I think she did a wonderful job, if I may say so myself. I mean, it's not like Jessica, Wesley and I were perfect kids or are perfect people, but that can't be a reflection of how my mom (and dad!) raised us, because we're human.

But we really were good kids, and of course I like to think that we still are. We love our parents very, very much and we're a pretty close family.

I can't express how thankful I am that God has blessed my family in the numerous ways He has. And Mutti is an amazing woman and a beautiful disciple of Christ.


' For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.'
[Psalm 139:13]

Ch. 68 - Praise God!

He is risen!


'On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee; 'The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.' " Then they remembered his words.'
[Luke 24:1-8]