Ch. 741- Hear My Prayer

'My God, my God, why have you
forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry out by day, but you do
not answer,
by night, and am not silent.

Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the praise of Israel.'
[Psalm 22:1-3]

Alone.
No answer.
O God, lift your daughter up.

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 226.

Ch. 672 - HIS Return

Jesus tells His followers that the gospel will be preached to all the nations and then the end will come [He will return]… but then goes on to say that nobody but the Father knows when that will happen. Sharing the gospel as a testimony will become, I believe, increasingly difficult as time passes and the end of the age approaches. Followers of Christ will be tested and persecuted by adversaries, but they must persevere and stay strong in the Lord God – especially since we don’t know when Christ will return. We need to continually persevere and overcome trials, and prepare our hearts – and those of the lost! – for His coming.


"'And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come."; "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." '
[Matthew 24:14; 36]

Ch. 660 - He is Willing

EXPECTANT.

Like never before, I feel.
Confident.
Assured.
Familiar.

At home, really, standing in the Presence...

Shekinah glory, come down.

Ready.
Waiting.
Blessed.
Free.

To be filled entirely... what a desire.

And He is more than willing to grant us these desires.

He gives freely.
Out of love.
Out of grace.

There is no limit.
There is total abundance of what He offers.

No comprehension.

......

'Come with power.'

"I'm already here."


'I will praise you forever for what you
have done;
in your name I will hope, for your
name is good.
I will praise you in the presence of
your saints.'
[Psalm 52:9]

Ch. 192 - I NEED YOU

My God, my God, where are You?

I'm not doing too well.

I really need some down time with God... for like, a few days.
That's it.
Nothing and no one but God.

I technically have the freedom to do that, but it's so difficult when you're constantly with people who you know will ask questions. Sometimes I wish I could get away with just not talking to people. Ever. Isn't that terrible?

Today was not fun.
I'm dealing with so much at once, it seems.
Lies.
Death.
Oppression, even.
And to top it all off, it's so frustrating that dinner's at 5! Man!

I just feel tired. I'm so tired I want to scream. Strange, I know, but it's me. What can I say? Tonight I was running and I just kept going and going. Running's my tonic. Whenever I'm running, I'm good to go. Nothing can touch me. But I suddenly had to just stop. I cried out to God and prayed and tried to listen for Him, but I felt so alone.

Right now I feel as if having a relationship with God is really easy... but I'm making it really difficult for myself. Ridiculous.


'Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.'
[2 Corinthians 1:3-5]

Ch. 136 - Falling On My Knees

I've been asking for something from God for awhile now. 57 days, to be precise. I'm starting to become anxious as to whether I'll receive it or not. I mean, for all I know I could receive it in five days - or five years. When I say 'it' I don't mean an actual thing... it's more of a feeling than anything. And I know when I'll receive it. It's just one of those things, you know?

I'm expecting it.

I think everything is going to be alright.
No.

I know everything is going to be alright.


'Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.'
[James 1:4-6]

Ch. 128 - Repeating Kindergarten

Do you remember the first days of school? Especially kindergarten - because you were at long last going to go to 'regular' school with the big kids. I certainly remember those days. Getting to finally ride the school bus as a fellow big kid was, by far, one of the highlights of 1994-95.

Last year was just like kindergarten. Getting to go to college with 'the big kids' was a huge deal. I knew that my freshman year of college was going to be absolutely grand, and once it was over... it was over. I'd be well into the brand new start. Sophomore year would come and go. I'd be settled. Familiar. Junior year would come and go. Really get into my major's coursework. Internships. Study abroad. And then I would practically stumble into senior year, tripping over the excitement of almost being done. That'd be it. I'd graduate. I'd go off and do, well, whatever.

For the last time, I'm getting the chance to start anew once again. I'll be a freshman. Again. For the third time, technically. New school. New major. New faces. New classes. I'm getting a brand new start. And I'm more grateful for it than you can imagine!

I bring this all up because today I was finally granted access to the student portal of CCCB (Central Christian College of the Bible). I browsed around a bit and saw that I could get started on an unofficial class registration, so I did just that. I pre-registered for my fall classes and let me tell you, I am now even more excited to head off to Moberly in August!

Life of Christ I
Christian Discipleship
Survey of Pentateuch
Foundations of Christianity
World Geography
SALT: Information [Service And Leadership Training]

Seriously. Best. classes. ever. These are the types of classes I've been waiting to take all my life. I just didn't know it until this past year. ! Kind of funny how these things work out, huh?

Ha.


' "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." '
[Matthew 7:7-8]

Ch. 73 - Revelation

Where to begin, where to begin?

Actually, what I have to say isn't that complicated.
I simply like to say, "Where to begin, where to begin?"

A couple weeks ago I had an interesting dream. Basically, I dreamed the book of Revelation. Start to finish - from John being on the island of Patmos to the multitude in white robes worshiping God... from the sounding of the seven trumpets to the fall of Babylon. It was incredibly vivid. Very surreal. Having read the book of Revelation enough times before, and then having read it a couple times after, I saw that my dream was very, very accurate to the book.

You know, I love the book of Revelation. It is, quite possibly, my favorite book of the Bible. I've been doing a lot of study on it recently; it's positively fascinating. Every time I read it I 'see' something new. Something different stands out.

One part of my dream that really stood out was the immense amount of death. And suffering. And pain. And loss. It was horrible, really. I don't really like to think about it, but I know that it has to happen.

Just so you can wrap your minds around it, I'll give you some numbers.

The earth's population is approximately 6.7 billion. When the fourth seal is opened, a quarter of the earth's population will be killed. When the sixth trumpet is sounded, a third of the earth's population will be killed. Here are the first set of numbers:

.25 x 6.7 billion = 1.675 billion deaths
.33 x 6.7 billion = 2.23 billion deaths
1.675 billion + 2.23 billion = 3.905 billion deaths

I looked up some populations on earth, and 3.905 billion happens to be the approximate population of Asia. So imagine - all of Asia - gone. Wiped off the face of the earth.

Now, when I was calculating these numbers, I didn't think about the fact that the third of the population that would be killed would be of the 'new' population once the quarter of the original population had been killed. So here's what the real numbers would be:

.25 x 6.7 billion = 1.675 billion deaths
6.7 billion - 1.675 billion = 5.025 billion
.33 x 5.025 billion = 1.675 billion deaths
1.675 billion + 1.675 billion = 3.35 billion deaths

3.35 billion deaths. Amazing. 3.35 billion is half of the original population, 6.7 billion. Half of the people of this earth - gone. It's interesting that Asia holds more than half the earth's population. Fun fact: Did you know that India will soon take over China's rank as the most populous country? Well, I mean, 'soon' means in thirty-two years. I thought that was interesting, too.

It's just a reminder of how powerful our Almighty God is and that He can do whatever He wants. He doesn't have to be just. He doesn't have to be kind. He doesn't have to be merciful. He is. But He doesn't have to be. We are blessed to be so loved.


'The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with the work of Satan displayed in all kinds of counterfeit miracles, signs and wonders, and in every sort of evil that deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved.'
[2 Thessalonians 2:9-10]

Ch. 61 - Getting Across

Today I went to MOPC with Spencer [who played at the 11:00 service] so I could go to a Palm Sunday service. We had to go early because he had to rehearse with the rest of the group, so I was there a good hour and a half before service. I had planned on simply spending the time in the prayer room, but then Spencer reminded me that Matt would be there. I sent a couple texts Matt's way and before I knew it I was following him to the youth room; he teaches Sunday school to the senior-hi.

At one point last week we had gotten together to chat and he brought up that he had been asked by Jamie to go over things that aren't exactly talked about often in youth groups. Last week it had been death, the week before, homosexuality. This week the topic was disability and value.

Having worked with both kids and adults who have mental and physical disabilities over the past few years (including the Toronto mission trip), I thought it would be really interesting to hear what Matt would say and how the youth would respond. Well, that 'thought' sort of backfired, if you will, because as it turns out, these kids do not speak up during Sunday school. They were chatty Cathies beforehand, of course. There were a few who would bring something up now and then, but it looked as if doing so was painful, actually. It was sad. I understood that in regards to speaking about people with disabilities, some of these kids may not have had much interaction with disabled people, but when one in five Americans have a disability of some sort, that's hard to believe. Going on to value and how we, as a society, judge others based on a number of things - but especially on what they do or do not have to contribute - you would think that this would be easy to talk about in a group of high schoolers.

Nope.

Matt asked who had been touched by the idea of valuing people more than others because of money, talent, skills, looks, etc. Not one person in that room did not raise their hand. Everybody has either felt valued based on something they have or by comparison to others, or have judged and valued others based on X factor.

So why wouldn't these kids speak up?

I know it wasn't because I was there; Matt told me it's like this every week. And every week he gives this little speech on how he gets what they're talking about. He knows it inside and out. Yet when he tries to help them know it and understand it, they don't respond. Maybe they are getting something out of it, but choose not to show it. But what if what he is saying simply goes in one ear and out the other? That's how it seems, obviously.

It's not like this with every group of high schoolers. I think it was Landon who said that his group - the kids who have graduated within the past two years - would never shut up.

That's how I wish it were.

I wish that if you were in that class, you would practically not be able to get a word in. You would if you wanted to, sure - but you would have to wait your turn to do so.

After church I found myself thinking, 'This is probably an unfair analysis, but it seems like something's a bit off. If Matt has to give that 'speech' every week, and the kids continue to simply sit as stones of silence... this isn't good.'

But who am I to judge?

At least he's trying. I can't say the same of me - as much as I would like to be able to, I can't at this point in time. Oh, how I miss teaching Sunday school and working with youth... I hope I can fill that void in my life really soon.

And at least they're there. I started teaching Sunday school because I refused to go to senior-hi Sunday school. Yet looking back, whenever I was there I got something out of it. I learned. I grew.

But you know, God can do anything. Ask and you will receive. Expect great things.


'If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.'
[John 15:7]

Ch. 58 - Random, R-r-random

Alright. Now that I'm over myself and the pity party has ended, life continues.

Cru was really great tonight. I had a nice chat with Keith Phinney. I had never really spoken to him before, but he's a really cool guy. He may help me design a major for ministry here at the U. How great would that be? I led prayer beforehand since Jessica is in Swaziland and it went well - very easy and simple. There were only a few of us there, so that was nice. The topic for the evening was peripatology, or the study of Christian living (our faith walk). A friend of Keith's came and spoke, his name was Rick and he's such a neat person. I really enjoyed listening to what he had to stay. To sum it up: stay immersed in the Word; be intentional; remember the acrostic (acronym) STAB - and seek out other believers; encourage one another.

STAB stands for this:

Success
Tired
Alone
Bored

When you are successful, temptation comes knocking on your door.
When you are tired, you will most likely let your guard down.
When you are alone, your walk in Christ may not be a priority or anything.
When you are bored, you may seek out things that are not of God.

After Cru I was talking with Charlie and Carly about churches (Capitol and K2) and their worship services. I'm such a traditional girl. I love my Methodist traditional services. I haven't been to any traditional services here in Salt Lake, except for when Katie and I went to the Greek Orthodox church. I love The Mount, don't get me wrong. It's just so casual.

I miss my church.
I miss getting dressed up for church.
I miss listening to our beautiful organ in service.
I miss singing hymns.
I miss those times of congregational unison.
I miss playing bells in service.
I miss seeing what happens during Star Choir - the preschool choir - performances.
I miss observing the look of awe (or is it terror?) on kid's faces when Phil does the children's message.
I miss praying while looking at the huge, mounted cross behind the pulpit.
I miss the Peace of Christ.
I miss the making of communion serving so much more complicated than it really has to be.
I miss the occasional performance by the men's choir.
I miss our simple, yet beautiful rounded sanctuary, with its wheat design stained glass windows that were put in upside-down.
Yes indeed, I miss my church and traditional service.

I took it for granted so often - and now that I'm appreciative of what it offers and how much I can get out of it, I'm not there to do so. The best part of winter break was going to multiple church services and teaching Sunday school - which I've also missed. I was so excited for May to come, because I'd be able to attend church with a new passion in my heart and really try to get the most out of it before I headed off to Virginia Beach for summer project. And now I may not be there to do so.

Why?

Because I really don't think I want to go on summer project anymore.

I bet you didn't see that one coming.

I mean, I know I said 'I don't want to go on summer project' in the last chapter, but I didn't mean it.

This time, however, I do mean it. After all, there will be other summers for projects.

I think I want to stay here to establish residency and really start to get involved with ministries here. And when I was talking with Gretchen at the Figge's house a couple weeks ago she really got me excited for what Ute-Nited is doing and their goals and such. I would really like to help with its in-depth development. Spencer and I talked about it last night after we drove back to the dorms... what we want to see happening and reaching out and leadership and just all sorts of things. There's so much potential. We're already growing, and not just with believers, but with non-believers, too! My heart is pounding just thinking about it. I love this.

God certainly works in mysterious ways. I wonder how many times I've heard and said this. Yet each time I seem to realize that it's all the more true.


'Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.'
[Colossians 3:1-4]

......

Ch. Fifty-Eight, Part Two:

I truly hope you know the reference of my title. If not, please click here.

Ch. 57 - Trust God

I am so lonely.

That stupid tree thing is right.

I've felt like this for probably two weeks, too. It's not just me saying, "Hm. I thought I was kind of lonely - and since this says that I often am, I guess it's true." And it's not like I'm never around people or never do anything. I just feel alone. That's it.

I'm tired, too.

Tired of trying so hard.
Tired of feeling letdown.
Tired of feeling disliked.
Tired of being lectured.
Tired of feeling stupid.

I don't want to be in Utah.
I don't want to go on summer project.
I don't want to go to school.
I don't want to go to church.
I don't want to hang out with anyone.

I want to leave.
Travel the world.
I want to volunteer.
Work with my hands.
I want to speak عربي.
Learn from native speakers.

I want to disappear.

Not forever. Just for a bit.
Not to "find myself" - I'm not that cliché - but to do what I want.

My heart says, "Go."
I've had numerous conversations with people in regards to how what you feel you want, what your heart tells you, is God.

Is this so irrational?

I know you should honor God with your actions. Worship through living your life for Him without being afraid to give Him everything. Who says this couldn't be the greatest act of worship I could ever give Him? Disciples dropped everything for Jesus. Everything. They left their families. Their jobs. Their possessions. And for what reason? To follow Him. To learn. To love. To be loved. This is what I want and I feel, in turn, what He wants as well.


'... "Here am I. Send me!" '
[Isaiah 6:8]

Ch. 44 - Don't Give Up

Today was magnificent. I attribute it to running and working out at four in the morning - as has been the pattern for the pasts two weeks, but for some reason it was really super today - a really fun swing class, the warm weather, hanging out with the ever-lovely Kastin Frostl, receiving the box my parents sent me, and finally feeling close to God again. I simply felt happy all day. For the past few weeks I had felt like I had tripped and fallen, not able to pick myself back up. But today I did just that.

God reveals Himself to me at the most unexpected of times.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I had just sat down to read for a bit and let my Bible fall open; this psalm was the first entire psalm of the pages it fell to:


'The heavens declare the Glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his
hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display
knowledge.
There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.

In the heavens he has pitched a tent for
the sun,
which is like a bridegroom coming
forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his
course.
It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.

The law of the Lord is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the Lord are
trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
The precepts of the Lord are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.
The fear of the Lord is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the Lord are sure
and altogether righteous.
They are much more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the comb.
By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great
reward.

Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
Keep our servant also from willful
sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.

May the words of my mouth and the
meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.'
[Psalm 19]

Perfect.

Ch. 33 - Silence Revisited

The second spiritual discipline Phil spoke about at The Mount today was silence. Now, in Ch. Nine I wrote about how I really enjoy the silence... God is in the silence... it's my 'favorite sound' and truly beautiful... but yesterday I learned how silence can be used in our spiritual journey and bring us closer to God, which makes silence all the more glorious.

People talk. They simply talk, and talk and talk. There are those who talk to simply hear themselves. There are those who talk because they are disinterested in what others have to say. There are those who talk because they are nervous and can't help it. There are those who talk because they are lonely. And then there are those who talk to take control - of people, conversation and what have you.

It seems as if those who take the time to listen and be quiet, be still, are a rare breed nowadays. I like to think I'm one of them. Sure, I enjoy conversing with people and will be the first to admit that there are times when I will dominate the conversation if given a chance - more so recently because sometimes I feel I have always taken the time to listen... and those whom I listen to haven't always reciprocated and lent me an ear or two. But honestly, I love to listen to people.

One of my favorite quotes is about listening. It's quite long, but very lovely.
"Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. Ideas actually begin to grow within us and come to life. When we listen to people there is an alternating current, and this recharges us so that we never get tired of each other… and it is this little creative fountain inside us that begins to spring and cast up new thoughts and unexpected laughter and wisdom. Well, it is when people really listen to us, with quiet fascinated attention, that the little fountain begins to work again, to accelerate in the most surprising way."
- Brenda Ueland

That is why I love talking to God more than anyone else. I know that He doesn't merely hear me, but that He listens to what I have to say.

And He gives back.

Taking the time to be still, be silent, in God's presence is incredibly beneficial. God will speak to you. He will answer prayers. He will guide you. He will inspire you. He will comfort you. He will prepare you for tribulations, joys, praise, service, prayer, worship - if you let Him.

I'll let you in on a little secret: I had decided to take on solitude and loneliness for Lent, but changed it to taking on silence instead. I'm always surrounded by... not... silence. I didn't want to say noise, because it's more than noise. Distractions, people... they all fit under the umbrella of noise, I suppose. Before and after a couple times of prayer throughout the day I simply sit, lie, stand, whatever, in silence. It's a wonderful time. I always feel so at peace and rejuvenated after.

Phil shared this verse with us:

'For God alone my soul waits in silence, for my hope is from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my deliverance and my honor; my mighty rock, my refuge is in God. Trust in him at all times, O people, pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.]
[Psalm 62:5-8, NRSV]


'Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter something before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.'
[Ecclesiastes 5:2]