There are a lot of things I could talk about.
There are even more that I could write about... Does that make sense?
Islam.
Nomads.
Church.
Plans.
Fears.
Dreams.
Joys.
Likes.
Concerns.
Dislikes.
Hates.
Complaints.
Annoyances.
Irritations.
Aggravations.
Real...ness.
Happiness.
Brokenness.
Forgiveness.
Thankfulness.
Lovingkindness.
God.
Jesus.
Spirit.
Family.
Friends.
Teachers.
Students.
Home.
Iowa.
Utah.
Moberly.
Alabama.
Missouri.
Overseas.
Romania.
Hopes.
Wants.
Needs.
Strengths.
Weaknesses.
Indifference.
Abilities.
Challenges.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
ME.
ME.
ME.
ME.
ME.
... Sometimes that's all I want to talk/write about.
I mean, sure - this is my story.
I could technically say/write whatever I want.
And yet, I don't.
Not truly.
Not fully.
Because I think that what I mean is I would speak of those... negative... aspects of "me". All of those things - topics - that I listed do pertain to me in some way. I could write about all of them regarding how they affect me, what I think about them, what they are, what they mean to me, etc... And some of those things most certainly do or would have a negative spin to them, I feel. I am sure I would have something positive to say about each. But really, overall, the tone would be negative.
So... is that so terrible?
Desiring to focus on "ME" to an even greater extent?
Doing so could, quite possibly - quite easily, really - lead to direct disobedience regarding the two greatest commandments that my Lord God gave me, I believe. Especially when that desire comes to fruition in actually talking with [more like at] others - regardless of whether they are believers and I think they can "handle" that which I find myself just thoughtlessly spewing out.
It's not that I would... come to love myself more than I currently do. At least I don't think so. But the focus on God and others would not be as great as it should be. I find it easy to see how my love for each would become diluted. I think it is awfully difficult to love others as you love yourself when all you care about is self and talking of or about self.
I don't know where it comes from.
I mean, I suppose I do.
I may have Christ.
I may have the indwelling Spirit.
But I still have flesh.
Man is man.
And man is selfish.
Pitiful.
Prideful.
Pathetic.
[Even so, God is the Father - Creator - of man. And thus, these... characteristics... are canceled out by His love, grace, and mercy.]
Perhaps I simply haven't fully come to embrace the fact that I do have people I can talk WITH [not at], realizing that over time we will learn about one another and come to love one another for who we are... made in the image of God... attempting to become more and more Christlike. I appreciate the fact that this can and does happen in a variety of settings. People are relational regardless of where they are, what they are doing, and who they are with - whether they realize it or not. Point of the matter is, if you are willing to invest time and energy into others, it will be reciprocated.
Perhaps I am afraid of coming to realize something about myself that I don't want to know. Because, chances are, it would not be pleasant and I know that God would need to work on me. Ouch. And yet, how good that is. I think that by going deeper and just getting things out there with others is good. Blank pages of a journal only offer so much comfort. Ink and lead run out eventually. New journals must be bought. And forget about personal insight and feedback. You can make the journal covers flap as if they are lips for as long as you'd like - but at the end of the day, you won't have heard a single word come from them. The same can be said about an empty HTML box on a blogging site. Start, stop, start, stop... delete this, edit that. Distractions abound. Granted, the hum of the fan offers a familiar comfort, as does the dim glow of the screen in a darkening room. Millions of resources for extra help, advice, suggestions, musings, and additional words are at your fingertips... but what does all that truly matter? What does that say about you?
Oh, how I am growing.
[And I am certainly thankful that my shoe size will stay the same.]
I think I'm going to begin a series of reflections on each of those things I listed at the beginning of this post. I may or may not post them on my other blog.
November 29, 2010
November 28, 2010
Ch. 764 - Delight. Delight. Delight.
I am His favorite.
Hephzibah.
"My delight is in her."
Well.
As usual... context aside, of course.
' "No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married." '
[Isaiah 62:4, NIV]
' "It will no longer be said to you, "Forsaken," Nor to your land will it any longer be said, "Desolate"; But you will be called, "My delight is in her," And your land, "Married"; For the LORD delights in you, And to Him your land will be married." '
[Isaiah 62:4, NASB]
Hephzibah.
"My delight is in her."
Well.
As usual... context aside, of course.
' "No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married." '
[Isaiah 62:4, NIV]
' "It will no longer be said to you, "Forsaken," Nor to your land will it any longer be said, "Desolate"; But you will be called, "My delight is in her," And your land, "Married"; For the LORD delights in you, And to Him your land will be married." '
[Isaiah 62:4, NASB]
November 16, 2010
Ch. 763 - Blessing of Encouragement
Bless and be blessed.
Be/do/give what you need.
For truly... what goes around, comes around.
Beautifully cyclical, indeed.
Be/do/give what you need.
For truly... what goes around, comes around.
Beautifully cyclical, indeed.
November 9, 2010
Ch. 762 - Shatter
Praise is due my Lord God for what He is doing in my life - and your life, as well, I am sure... whether you realize He is working or not.
Let's just say that my God is loving. And faithful. And compassionate.
I feel so secure in knowing that He holds me in His hands. I am so glad that my identity is found in Jesus Christ. I may not fully understand what that means or what that looks like, but I understand to a great enough extent to realize how truly blessed I am.
You know, I've never been fully comfortable with... me. I don't know how often I have believed that I truly like myself. I think this is why I've always enjoyed being able to go up on stage for various performances and such... I get to be someone else. A character. An entirely different person. Someone who knows who they are. No deviants. They do not waver. They are strong. They always know what to say. Character interactions are flawless. And no matter what, things go as they are supposed to. The story in which the character "lives" flows just oh so nicely. But my own character? Natalie? Well.... she is not consistent. She is weak. She doesn't always know what to say. Sometimes her interactions with others are strained. And her story seems to stop and start, stop and start. She rarely knows what will happen next; unpredictability is a major theme in the story. However, that's what makes it real. Honest and sincere reality... it can be tough... but it is good.
But let's just say that sometimes, those tough parts of life can pretty easily lead you to define/see yourself in a negative manner. "Forgive and forget..." "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me..." These two sayings are, quite possibly, the most ridiculous and false statements ever coined. It can be very difficult to forget things done to you, or said to you - especially when those words that were said hurt. And they can. Hurt, I mean...
I am a very critical person. Hard on myself, hard on others. And I've really never had a very good or strong perception of myself. Confidence... self-esteem... rarely there. I put on masks, I put up fronts. I used to think that these things saved me. But I have honestly just recently realized how greatly these things have ultimately hurt me. I shudder to think of what - and whom - I have missed out on due to my pride and fear. I feel that I have developed such odd - false, even - views of the people and world around me.
I have always blamed the lack of action on other people's parts for the way I've felt. Alone. Disliked. Afraid. Excluded. Etc... But really, it was my lack of action that hindered my ability to think or feel otherwise. Sure, I understood the concept of a "two-way street". I just... didn't care enough to turn onto other streets. I was always waiting for others to turn onto my street.
There's more... so much more. There truly was a lot of hurt based on past experiences and whatnot. I have held onto these hurts for a very long time. They have weighed me down. They have made me bitter. They have made me hate [myself more so than others]. They have created disillusions. And really, they have made me tired. I am so tired of the enemy using them against me time and time again, just because I can't seem to let them go. I am so tired of letting the lies of the world influence me to a greater extent than the truths of the Lamb.
A week ago I had a conversation with a sister in Christ. She lives on my floor and is really neat. We've had a few conversations in the past, but nothing terribly serious or deep - yet they've always been great, and certainly appreciated on my side of things. But this talk we had was not fun. It was not desired. And it was not appreciated - at first, that is. It actually started with me asking her a question about someone else... funnily enough, about whether that second person was "real". Truly legit. Because said person had surprised me [in a good way] with words and actions. It seemed that they really did care. And I was taken aback by the realization of how much I both wanted and needed that. But I thought I would check with my sister just to be sure; I knew she could advise me because the two of them are close. Oh by the way, it turns out they are real. Anyway, that question/answer morphed into something unexpected. Long story short, I completely broke down. ... I hate it when that happens. All this "stuff" came pouring out and it was just.... aifudasljfkal. Gloriously awful. Awfully glorious. Take your pick. But let me tell you... I felt so loved. Just because she let me talk. And yet she didn't merely hear me, but also listened... and had input. Gave advice. Asked questions. Prayed for me. Over the weekend, I was able to have some more really great conversations with her. I am being completely honest when I say that I feel as if I finally have a good, true friend here at Central. She, too, is "real" and I am so glad that I have someone I can turn to in anything and everything. But man... it's been rough. I feel as if "my world" is falling down around me. It's like a glass vase, dangerously close to the table's edge... the table is bumped and you know what's going to happen. You want to do everything you can to stop the vase from falling to the floor and shattering into dozens of pieces - but you can't. Anyway, my sister has pointed out some pretty big faults in my thinking and habits... reminded me that people are not monsters... and helped me realize how much I need people. Especially the Body of Christ. His Bride. The Church.
I cannot be alone.
It is impossible.
It is unrealistic.
It is not what God desires for me.
And besides, I really don't want to be alone.
I feel like I've forced that upon myself in the past.
All because I'd developed this horrendous view of humanity.
No more.
I deserve better.
So do those around me.
And above all, God deserves my best.
This past week has been full of ups and downs.
Confusion.
Hysteria.
Questions.
Prayer.
Reflection.
Tears.
But really... it's been a long time coming.
And I can't wait to see what comes next.
"REND"
oh, how i hurt.
i feel HIS hand upon me.
crushing. tearing. breaking.
oh, the pain.
strength.
comforted.
for it is good.
[necessary.]
but oh GOD, my GOD, this is not what i desired.
"... that YOU would rend the heavens." [but...]
my heart?
a fear of fears.
[unprepared.]
oh, how i hurt.
i know joy.
i know peace.
i want more. [but...]
oh, the pain.
continue, oh GOD, my GOD.
for YOU love me.
[abide.]
rend.
New life.
The same me... but... different.
A phoenix, if you will.
Thankful.
So very, very thankful.
'Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.'
[Romans 12:15]
... I realize this may seem like an odd verse to end with, but for whatever reason it's been on repeat in my mind for the past week... so please forgive me.
Let's just say that my God is loving. And faithful. And compassionate.
I feel so secure in knowing that He holds me in His hands. I am so glad that my identity is found in Jesus Christ. I may not fully understand what that means or what that looks like, but I understand to a great enough extent to realize how truly blessed I am.
You know, I've never been fully comfortable with... me. I don't know how often I have believed that I truly like myself. I think this is why I've always enjoyed being able to go up on stage for various performances and such... I get to be someone else. A character. An entirely different person. Someone who knows who they are. No deviants. They do not waver. They are strong. They always know what to say. Character interactions are flawless. And no matter what, things go as they are supposed to. The story in which the character "lives" flows just oh so nicely. But my own character? Natalie? Well.... she is not consistent. She is weak. She doesn't always know what to say. Sometimes her interactions with others are strained. And her story seems to stop and start, stop and start. She rarely knows what will happen next; unpredictability is a major theme in the story. However, that's what makes it real. Honest and sincere reality... it can be tough... but it is good.
But let's just say that sometimes, those tough parts of life can pretty easily lead you to define/see yourself in a negative manner. "Forgive and forget..." "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me..." These two sayings are, quite possibly, the most ridiculous and false statements ever coined. It can be very difficult to forget things done to you, or said to you - especially when those words that were said hurt. And they can. Hurt, I mean...
I am a very critical person. Hard on myself, hard on others. And I've really never had a very good or strong perception of myself. Confidence... self-esteem... rarely there. I put on masks, I put up fronts. I used to think that these things saved me. But I have honestly just recently realized how greatly these things have ultimately hurt me. I shudder to think of what - and whom - I have missed out on due to my pride and fear. I feel that I have developed such odd - false, even - views of the people and world around me.
I have always blamed the lack of action on other people's parts for the way I've felt. Alone. Disliked. Afraid. Excluded. Etc... But really, it was my lack of action that hindered my ability to think or feel otherwise. Sure, I understood the concept of a "two-way street". I just... didn't care enough to turn onto other streets. I was always waiting for others to turn onto my street.
There's more... so much more. There truly was a lot of hurt based on past experiences and whatnot. I have held onto these hurts for a very long time. They have weighed me down. They have made me bitter. They have made me hate [myself more so than others]. They have created disillusions. And really, they have made me tired. I am so tired of the enemy using them against me time and time again, just because I can't seem to let them go. I am so tired of letting the lies of the world influence me to a greater extent than the truths of the Lamb.
A week ago I had a conversation with a sister in Christ. She lives on my floor and is really neat. We've had a few conversations in the past, but nothing terribly serious or deep - yet they've always been great, and certainly appreciated on my side of things. But this talk we had was not fun. It was not desired. And it was not appreciated - at first, that is. It actually started with me asking her a question about someone else... funnily enough, about whether that second person was "real". Truly legit. Because said person had surprised me [in a good way] with words and actions. It seemed that they really did care. And I was taken aback by the realization of how much I both wanted and needed that. But I thought I would check with my sister just to be sure; I knew she could advise me because the two of them are close. Oh by the way, it turns out they are real. Anyway, that question/answer morphed into something unexpected. Long story short, I completely broke down. ... I hate it when that happens. All this "stuff" came pouring out and it was just.... aifudasljfkal. Gloriously awful. Awfully glorious. Take your pick. But let me tell you... I felt so loved. Just because she let me talk. And yet she didn't merely hear me, but also listened... and had input. Gave advice. Asked questions. Prayed for me. Over the weekend, I was able to have some more really great conversations with her. I am being completely honest when I say that I feel as if I finally have a good, true friend here at Central. She, too, is "real" and I am so glad that I have someone I can turn to in anything and everything. But man... it's been rough. I feel as if "my world" is falling down around me. It's like a glass vase, dangerously close to the table's edge... the table is bumped and you know what's going to happen. You want to do everything you can to stop the vase from falling to the floor and shattering into dozens of pieces - but you can't. Anyway, my sister has pointed out some pretty big faults in my thinking and habits... reminded me that people are not monsters... and helped me realize how much I need people. Especially the Body of Christ. His Bride. The Church.
I cannot be alone.
It is impossible.
It is unrealistic.
It is not what God desires for me.
And besides, I really don't want to be alone.
I feel like I've forced that upon myself in the past.
All because I'd developed this horrendous view of humanity.
No more.
I deserve better.
So do those around me.
And above all, God deserves my best.
This past week has been full of ups and downs.
Confusion.
Hysteria.
Questions.
Prayer.
Reflection.
Tears.
But really... it's been a long time coming.
And I can't wait to see what comes next.
"REND"
oh, how i hurt.
i feel HIS hand upon me.
crushing. tearing. breaking.
oh, the pain.
strength.
comforted.
for it is good.
[necessary.]
but oh GOD, my GOD, this is not what i desired.
"... that YOU would rend the heavens." [but...]
my heart?
a fear of fears.
[unprepared.]
oh, how i hurt.
i know joy.
i know peace.
i want more. [but...]
oh, the pain.
continue, oh GOD, my GOD.
for YOU love me.
[abide.]
rend.
New life.
The same me... but... different.
A phoenix, if you will.
Thankful.
So very, very thankful.
'Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.'
[Romans 12:15]
... I realize this may seem like an odd verse to end with, but for whatever reason it's been on repeat in my mind for the past week... so please forgive me.
November 6, 2010
Ch. 761 - In Response...
[As aforementioned in my last post, this post came from my other blog in order to play catch-up... this was written this past Thursday.]
Today I read an excerpt from Carlo Carretto's "Summoned by Love", a sustained meditation on the prayer of Charles de Foucauld known as the 'Prayer of Abandonment to God'. I've mentioned Carretto before [see Chapter 154]. The excerpt can be found in the book, Carlo Carretto: Essential Writings, a compilation of thoughts, letters, etc. written by Carretto. Carretto was actually a member of the Little Brothers of Jesus, an order inspired by the spirituality of de Foucauld. So a lot of his writings focus on different aspects of Catholicism, which I actually know very little about. Thus, his writings are all the more interesting to me, because they explore facets of something I am both a part of and not a part of.
Anyway, I had never heard about the 'Prayer of Abandonment to God' and did some research; it goes as thus:
'Father,
I abandon myself into Your hands; do with me what You will. Whatever you may do, I thank You: I am ready for all; I accept all. Let only Your will be done in me, and in all Your creatures - I wish no more than this, O Lord. Into Your hands I commend my soul: I offer it to You with all the love of my heart, for I love You Lord, and so need to give myself, to surrender myself into Your hands, without reserve, and with boundless confidence... For You are my Father.
Amen.'
[Wow.]
I hadn't read from Carlo Carretto: Essential Writings for quite some time. But today, for whatever reason, I decided to pluck the book from its shelf in my room and bring it with me to my classes. SALT was even less interesting than usual today... so I decided to open the book to the spot where I left my bookmark and began to read. The very first sentence piqued my interest to a great degree... if you haven't already done so, I suggest that you first read my previous blog post before continuing onward.
But with that bit of a background, I give to you that which I read today:
'On the subject of the Church as community:...
It's no good sheltering in the old refrain: "It's not my concern... I can't do anything about it... it's the priest's concern, the bishop's concern, my mother's concern."
I think it's everybody's concern.
The first symptom of conversion by which we prove that we have grasped what the Church actually is, is when we stop thinking about the Church as being only the Vatican or the diocese and think of it as being each one of us.
We are the Church!
Each of us is the Church!
What power would be generated were all Christians to keep saying, and each to contribute something to the activities of the bishop by saying, "It concerns me."
Now I am making a start.
Now I am trying to make a community.
I don't want to be on my own any more.
I want to have companions on my journey.
To live my life with them.
Even if there are only a few of us,
I want to make a start.
We shall pray at home.
We shall read the Bible together.
We shall make the Eucharist what the first Christians made it.
We shall hale each other.
We shall pool as much of our property as we can.
We shall live by the gospel.
And I think that the acutely worrying problem of priestly vocations would soon be solved in a community of this sort.
A community of prayer.
A community-Church in which the faith is sincerely lived automatically becomes a seminary. Where the Word is proclaimed, the Spirit comes, and the task of the Spirit is to make a Church and distribute its graces within it.'
Oh, how my Lord God works in wonderful ways.
'Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.'
[Colossians 3:15-16]
Today I read an excerpt from Carlo Carretto's "Summoned by Love", a sustained meditation on the prayer of Charles de Foucauld known as the 'Prayer of Abandonment to God'. I've mentioned Carretto before [see Chapter 154]. The excerpt can be found in the book, Carlo Carretto: Essential Writings, a compilation of thoughts, letters, etc. written by Carretto. Carretto was actually a member of the Little Brothers of Jesus, an order inspired by the spirituality of de Foucauld. So a lot of his writings focus on different aspects of Catholicism, which I actually know very little about. Thus, his writings are all the more interesting to me, because they explore facets of something I am both a part of and not a part of.
Anyway, I had never heard about the 'Prayer of Abandonment to God' and did some research; it goes as thus:
'Father,
I abandon myself into Your hands; do with me what You will. Whatever you may do, I thank You: I am ready for all; I accept all. Let only Your will be done in me, and in all Your creatures - I wish no more than this, O Lord. Into Your hands I commend my soul: I offer it to You with all the love of my heart, for I love You Lord, and so need to give myself, to surrender myself into Your hands, without reserve, and with boundless confidence... For You are my Father.
Amen.'
[Wow.]
I hadn't read from Carlo Carretto: Essential Writings for quite some time. But today, for whatever reason, I decided to pluck the book from its shelf in my room and bring it with me to my classes. SALT was even less interesting than usual today... so I decided to open the book to the spot where I left my bookmark and began to read. The very first sentence piqued my interest to a great degree... if you haven't already done so, I suggest that you first read my previous blog post before continuing onward.
But with that bit of a background, I give to you that which I read today:
'On the subject of the Church as community:...
It's no good sheltering in the old refrain: "It's not my concern... I can't do anything about it... it's the priest's concern, the bishop's concern, my mother's concern."
I think it's everybody's concern.
The first symptom of conversion by which we prove that we have grasped what the Church actually is, is when we stop thinking about the Church as being only the Vatican or the diocese and think of it as being each one of us.
We are the Church!
Each of us is the Church!
What power would be generated were all Christians to keep saying, and each to contribute something to the activities of the bishop by saying, "It concerns me."
Now I am making a start.
Now I am trying to make a community.
I don't want to be on my own any more.
I want to have companions on my journey.
To live my life with them.
Even if there are only a few of us,
I want to make a start.
We shall pray at home.
We shall read the Bible together.
We shall make the Eucharist what the first Christians made it.
We shall hale each other.
We shall pool as much of our property as we can.
We shall live by the gospel.
And I think that the acutely worrying problem of priestly vocations would soon be solved in a community of this sort.
A community of prayer.
A community-Church in which the faith is sincerely lived automatically becomes a seminary. Where the Word is proclaimed, the Spirit comes, and the task of the Spirit is to make a Church and distribute its graces within it.'
Oh, how my Lord God works in wonderful ways.
'Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.'
[Colossians 3:15-16]
November 5, 2010
Ch. 760 - Dissatisfaction
[Alright, so the next two posts were on my other blog. But I wanted to use them as a catch-up for this one. :) I'm awesome.]
How does not knowing what community - or, I dare say, "the Church" - is become a problem in one's life? I could begin to attempt to tell you, but I don't think I would get very far before realizing, "I don't know."
Where does it start?
Can you put a finger on its generation point?
... Who is to "blame" for this tangled mess?
Blame it on self?
... Body?
... Soul?
Blame it on others?
... Family?
... Friends?
Blame it on church?
... Pastors?
... Teachers?
Blame it on the Church?
... The Body?
... The Bride?
It's a sad realization, let me tell you. My heart broke tonight. Not just for myself, mind you, but for the seemingly infinite number of people in this world who do not about Christ, let alone a [true/Church] community.
There are just... too many.
Too many, I say, and it is overwhelming.
Oh, how my heart aches.
I desire to be proven wrong.
I desire to be shown it exists.
I desire something more than "this".
I desire to learn how to bring that which we all need to others.
And I desire to truly figure out how this problem is generated.
It is simply unfortunate that I feel like I have to do so on my own.
And that, more often than not, I feel as if nobody else cares whatsoever.
'Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone.'
[Ephesians 2:19-20]
How does not knowing what community - or, I dare say, "the Church" - is become a problem in one's life? I could begin to attempt to tell you, but I don't think I would get very far before realizing, "I don't know."
Where does it start?
Can you put a finger on its generation point?
... Who is to "blame" for this tangled mess?
Blame it on self?
... Body?
... Soul?
Blame it on others?
... Family?
... Friends?
Blame it on church?
... Pastors?
... Teachers?
Blame it on the Church?
... The Body?
... The Bride?
It's a sad realization, let me tell you. My heart broke tonight. Not just for myself, mind you, but for the seemingly infinite number of people in this world who do not about Christ, let alone a [true/Church] community.
There are just... too many.
Too many, I say, and it is overwhelming.
Oh, how my heart aches.
I desire to be proven wrong.
I desire to be shown it exists.
I desire something more than "this".
I desire to learn how to bring that which we all need to others.
And I desire to truly figure out how this problem is generated.
It is simply unfortunate that I feel like I have to do so on my own.
And that, more often than not, I feel as if nobody else cares whatsoever.
'Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone.'
[Ephesians 2:19-20]
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