I have decided to take a break from blogging. I return to CCCB on August 24 and will not, until then, be writing [online, at least]. At this point in time it's really the best decision. My heart's not in the right place and I really just... don't care. The motivation's not there - and neither is the true pursuit. I don't want to do things halfheartedly anymore. Thus, until I am able to consistently put my all into everything I do, I'm not going to try and make things work. Because they simply won't. I seem to be realizing that all the more these days.
'So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves. But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.'
[Romans 14:22-23]
July 25, 2009
July 24, 2009
Ch. 483 - Making Choices
'Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." '
[Mark 8:34-35]
[Mark 8:34-35]
July 23, 2009
Ch. 482 - Knowledge of God
'My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.'
[Proverbs 2:1-5]
[Proverbs 2:1-5]
July 22, 2009
Ch. 481 - Starting Over
After having sought advice from a handful of God-loving, truth-seeking people, I feel much better. I do have people looking out for me and have my best interest at heart. So even though what some of them said stung a little, I knew it was for the best; it made me realize all the more that I needed help and, as we all know, sometimes the truth hurts.
I spoke today with Jeremy, a dear friend whom I have not had contact with since the end of the school year and he really pushed me to get into the Word, seek out God's will to the best of my ability and pray, pray, pray. He also reminded me to be aware of my attitude, which is incredibly important. His homework assignment for me was to pray, read Job 22:21-30, and then whatever else I felt called to read. Just spend time with God, really, and so that's what I've been doing. Finally.
Anyway. After reading the bit of Job, which speaks of submission and returning to God - oh boy - I contemplated what to read next. I kept thinking about the word "mirror". I spoke with another friend yesterday and I sort of went through a reality check while he was talking at one point. I had heard him say this before, but he said something along the lines of, "I would look in the mirror and just hate who I saw." He would think that he was stupid and worthless and that there was really just no reason to live. I'm not going to lie. I've done the same thing and thought the same things. And while my angst and depression has never been anywhere as deep as his was at one point or another, it resonated soundly within me and I realized that if I kept going down the path that I recently started down, I could possibly end up in a hole just as deep as his had been. So I've decided to really start reflecting on who I am and what kind of person God has created me to be. And to not be afraid of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. I mean, people change. God refines us, you know?
So this is why I've been thinking about mirrors. I knew there was a verse that speaks of a mirror in James, but couldn't remember which one. I checked my concordance and found the following:
'Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it - he will be blessed in what he does.'
[James 1:22-25]
This was really convicting. Even James 1:21 says, '[Therefore,] get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.'
So this verse even more so reiterated something Jeremy told me in regards to putting on the armor of God and using Scripture as my sword against sin. Fantastic, right? And in verses 22-25, I couldn't help but be pleased with the fact that we should not just listen to the word but do what it says, which is really what everything seems to be coming down to for me. It's just interesting how one thing can lead to another, even coming from different people, so that God leads you to Him and then speaks to you through His word.
I spoke today with Jeremy, a dear friend whom I have not had contact with since the end of the school year and he really pushed me to get into the Word, seek out God's will to the best of my ability and pray, pray, pray. He also reminded me to be aware of my attitude, which is incredibly important. His homework assignment for me was to pray, read Job 22:21-30, and then whatever else I felt called to read. Just spend time with God, really, and so that's what I've been doing. Finally.
Anyway. After reading the bit of Job, which speaks of submission and returning to God - oh boy - I contemplated what to read next. I kept thinking about the word "mirror". I spoke with another friend yesterday and I sort of went through a reality check while he was talking at one point. I had heard him say this before, but he said something along the lines of, "I would look in the mirror and just hate who I saw." He would think that he was stupid and worthless and that there was really just no reason to live. I'm not going to lie. I've done the same thing and thought the same things. And while my angst and depression has never been anywhere as deep as his was at one point or another, it resonated soundly within me and I realized that if I kept going down the path that I recently started down, I could possibly end up in a hole just as deep as his had been. So I've decided to really start reflecting on who I am and what kind of person God has created me to be. And to not be afraid of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. I mean, people change. God refines us, you know?
So this is why I've been thinking about mirrors. I knew there was a verse that speaks of a mirror in James, but couldn't remember which one. I checked my concordance and found the following:
'Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it - he will be blessed in what he does.'
[James 1:22-25]
This was really convicting. Even James 1:21 says, '[Therefore,] get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.'
So this verse even more so reiterated something Jeremy told me in regards to putting on the armor of God and using Scripture as my sword against sin. Fantastic, right? And in verses 22-25, I couldn't help but be pleased with the fact that we should not just listen to the word but do what it says, which is really what everything seems to be coming down to for me. It's just interesting how one thing can lead to another, even coming from different people, so that God leads you to Him and then speaks to you through His word.
July 21, 2009
Ch. 480 - Lackadaisical
' "If you do not listen, and if you do not set your heart to honor my name," says the Lord Almighty, "I will send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings. Yes, I have already cursed them, because you have not set your heart to honor me." '
[Malachi 2:2]
'You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.'
[James 4:4]
You can do better than that.
I'm asking for a greater push, basically.
Waiting.
[Malachi 2:2]
'You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.'
[James 4:4]
You can do better than that.
I'm asking for a greater push, basically.
Waiting.
July 20, 2009
Ch. 479 - Back to Basics
Alright. Yeah, I lied. Well, I suppose I shall pick up where I left off. Chapter 479 - Back to Basics.
Here's the deal.
I don't want to lie to myself [or anyone else, for that matter] anymore, and I don't want to put up a wall, or a pretty façade. I'm not right with God. At all. I know, I know... "I'm a sinner, we all are, but I'm forgiven..." etc., etc., etc. We've all heard it before. And so maybe that's why it becomes easier to ignore sin as it takes hold of us; we subconsciously know that by God's grace He makes things okay for us. We may not be able to overcome sin, but we can certainly become numb to it. But I'm not necessarily thinking a lot about sin, it just sort of popped into my head.
So anyway.
I said I'm not right with God. And it's true.
I'm living this ugly, tiring life consisting of a few days going well [faith wise, that is], a couple weeks going not so well. I'm really disappointing myself. I tend to hold high expectations of myself and set standards and goals to be met. I thought this summer was going to be a fantastic time of growth - and not just for myself, but for my friends and peers, as well. I've been praying for them and what ministries they're involved with. I've been learning about what they've been doing and how God is working in their lives. And I’m happy for them. Excited, even.
But I feel like my life is a complete mess.
I really do.
How have I begun to put it… ? Something along the lines of ‘I keep thinking more about the world and what I can get out of it, rather than thinking about Christ and what I can receive from God.’ It’s true. Sure, we are all conformists to the world and could always think more about Christ and “set our minds on things above”, but I just feel that I’m so far out of orbit that there’s no coming back down. My attitude and outlook on a lot of things have changed. My thoughts - going five thousand miles an hour, of course – are definitely not centered on Christ. I am constantly on the brink of giving into temptation. I feel forgotten, anxious, irritated, even nervous. Just… different. I mean, I could really go on and on, but I feel like I have to actually censor what I say. Gahhh. I almost wish I hadn't started this blog. I have such a love/hate relationship with it. I love being able to quickly jot down what I'm thinking and what's been on my heart and just getting it out there, but now that I've been doing it for a year and a half, it's like a chore at times. And knowing that people read it can be such a source of pride. I might as well just stick to using Microsoft Word or something. Because I love to write, I just don't have the desire to jot down everything by hand these days. Typing is so much quicker. Man. Am I a girl of the late 20th/21st century or what?
… Talk about tangents. Whew.
So to recap: censorship. I don't like it. I may even start a new blog and not tell anyone about it, or make it private. We’ll see.
Moving on, if I were to have someone that I feel I could trust and talk to about everything and anything - God doesn't count - I think I would be better off. I can pray, talk to God, and read my Bible all I want, but there’s something about being able to speak with a tangible being that I feel is important. And I mean, I've always wanted a mentor/accountability partner and have prayed like you wouldn't believe for one, but have never felt like God gave me someone to approach or anything.
… Dang it. See? Another lie. He did, I was just too stubborn and prideful to admit it and actually go anywhere with the opportunity. And, of course, now I regret it. It's just a never-ending cycle with me. I start at Point A, feeling sub-point 1, which leads me to feeling sub-point 2, which brings me to Point B, feeling sub-point 3, which leads me to feeling sub-point 4, which brings me back to Point A. It's terrible. It really is.
But here's the thing: I don't care.
I couldn't tell you how many times I've thought or said aloud those three words in the last two weeks. I've described my feelings to a few people by saying 'I regret a few of my decisions, but I don't want to move forward.' I'm fine where I am in the world. But with God, I'm not fine. And I know it needs to be one or the other, but right now I don't want to go back to where I was this past school year. I can skip, jump, and play – quite easily, I might add – on the wide path. Right? But that’s not the path that leads to life, as said in Matthew 7:13-14. And so I have to die to self day after day. It’s not easy, but it’s the right thing to do. However, even as I realize this, I have to ask myself “Why?”
Why do I think it’s the right thing to do?
Why do I need to die to self every day?
Why do I have to traverse the narrow path?
Why do I make the decisions that I do?
Why do I go to Bible college?
Why do I want to be a missionary?
Why do I believe what I do?
And what is it that I truly believe, anyway?
I look at these questions as both good and bad.
Good, in the sense that I’m pushing myself to make my faith my own.
Bad, in the sense that I’m greatly needing a challenge.
You may think that there’s nothing wrong with needing to be challenged, but in my mind there is. You see, the last time I felt the need to be greatly challenged and wanted something new, I completely turned away from Christ and came to believe false truths. Granted, it was the realization that my “new” life was a complete lie that led me back into God’s arms [Who in turn brought me to Central, etc.], but still. I’m scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I feel like I have so much to learn. But what is it, exactly, that I will end up learning? I mean, I want to completely start anew. I “believe” what I do because most of it is what I’ve been taught. Only a couple layers of my foundation were poured based on experience. And not only that, but I also feel that my foundation is very weak. I feel as if I’ve missed out on a lot over the years. I feel that some selfish decisions were made – not on my part – that put a halt to my journey, and then later, some stubborn decisions were made – completely on my part – that did not make the continuation of my journey very smooth. My checkpoints and transitions have been very choppy. They’ve been so rough that it’s wreaked havoc on my foundation. And so now I’m feeling the effects of said transitions. It’s as if my foundation is crumbling before my very eyes.
I’m confused.
That’s all.
And I don’t know where to go from here.
Perhaps that’s why I keep thinking that I don’t want to move forward.
I just don’t know which way to turn and take the first step.
Thus said, I do feel the need to go back to basics. It’s not like I need to “find myself” – that’s so cliché. It’s more like I need to find absolute truth[s]. And I think those truths will refine me; hopefully everything will then fall into place. Until then, I don’t know what will happen. I think I may just take a few chances and let the die fall where they may. Nobody’s perfect. You learn from mistakes. So here we go.
Here's the deal.
I don't want to lie to myself [or anyone else, for that matter] anymore, and I don't want to put up a wall, or a pretty façade. I'm not right with God. At all. I know, I know... "I'm a sinner, we all are, but I'm forgiven..." etc., etc., etc. We've all heard it before. And so maybe that's why it becomes easier to ignore sin as it takes hold of us; we subconsciously know that by God's grace He makes things okay for us. We may not be able to overcome sin, but we can certainly become numb to it. But I'm not necessarily thinking a lot about sin, it just sort of popped into my head.
So anyway.
I said I'm not right with God. And it's true.
I'm living this ugly, tiring life consisting of a few days going well [faith wise, that is], a couple weeks going not so well. I'm really disappointing myself. I tend to hold high expectations of myself and set standards and goals to be met. I thought this summer was going to be a fantastic time of growth - and not just for myself, but for my friends and peers, as well. I've been praying for them and what ministries they're involved with. I've been learning about what they've been doing and how God is working in their lives. And I’m happy for them. Excited, even.
But I feel like my life is a complete mess.
I really do.
How have I begun to put it… ? Something along the lines of ‘I keep thinking more about the world and what I can get out of it, rather than thinking about Christ and what I can receive from God.’ It’s true. Sure, we are all conformists to the world and could always think more about Christ and “set our minds on things above”, but I just feel that I’m so far out of orbit that there’s no coming back down. My attitude and outlook on a lot of things have changed. My thoughts - going five thousand miles an hour, of course – are definitely not centered on Christ. I am constantly on the brink of giving into temptation. I feel forgotten, anxious, irritated, even nervous. Just… different. I mean, I could really go on and on, but I feel like I have to actually censor what I say. Gahhh. I almost wish I hadn't started this blog. I have such a love/hate relationship with it. I love being able to quickly jot down what I'm thinking and what's been on my heart and just getting it out there, but now that I've been doing it for a year and a half, it's like a chore at times. And knowing that people read it can be such a source of pride. I might as well just stick to using Microsoft Word or something. Because I love to write, I just don't have the desire to jot down everything by hand these days. Typing is so much quicker. Man. Am I a girl of the late 20th/21st century or what?
… Talk about tangents. Whew.
So to recap: censorship. I don't like it. I may even start a new blog and not tell anyone about it, or make it private. We’ll see.
Moving on, if I were to have someone that I feel I could trust and talk to about everything and anything - God doesn't count - I think I would be better off. I can pray, talk to God, and read my Bible all I want, but there’s something about being able to speak with a tangible being that I feel is important. And I mean, I've always wanted a mentor/accountability partner and have prayed like you wouldn't believe for one, but have never felt like God gave me someone to approach or anything.
… Dang it. See? Another lie. He did, I was just too stubborn and prideful to admit it and actually go anywhere with the opportunity. And, of course, now I regret it. It's just a never-ending cycle with me. I start at Point A, feeling sub-point 1, which leads me to feeling sub-point 2, which brings me to Point B, feeling sub-point 3, which leads me to feeling sub-point 4, which brings me back to Point A. It's terrible. It really is.
But here's the thing: I don't care.
I couldn't tell you how many times I've thought or said aloud those three words in the last two weeks. I've described my feelings to a few people by saying 'I regret a few of my decisions, but I don't want to move forward.' I'm fine where I am in the world. But with God, I'm not fine. And I know it needs to be one or the other, but right now I don't want to go back to where I was this past school year. I can skip, jump, and play – quite easily, I might add – on the wide path. Right? But that’s not the path that leads to life, as said in Matthew 7:13-14. And so I have to die to self day after day. It’s not easy, but it’s the right thing to do. However, even as I realize this, I have to ask myself “Why?”
Why do I think it’s the right thing to do?
Why do I need to die to self every day?
Why do I have to traverse the narrow path?
Why do I make the decisions that I do?
Why do I go to Bible college?
Why do I want to be a missionary?
Why do I believe what I do?
And what is it that I truly believe, anyway?
I look at these questions as both good and bad.
Good, in the sense that I’m pushing myself to make my faith my own.
Bad, in the sense that I’m greatly needing a challenge.
You may think that there’s nothing wrong with needing to be challenged, but in my mind there is. You see, the last time I felt the need to be greatly challenged and wanted something new, I completely turned away from Christ and came to believe false truths. Granted, it was the realization that my “new” life was a complete lie that led me back into God’s arms [Who in turn brought me to Central, etc.], but still. I’m scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I feel like I have so much to learn. But what is it, exactly, that I will end up learning? I mean, I want to completely start anew. I “believe” what I do because most of it is what I’ve been taught. Only a couple layers of my foundation were poured based on experience. And not only that, but I also feel that my foundation is very weak. I feel as if I’ve missed out on a lot over the years. I feel that some selfish decisions were made – not on my part – that put a halt to my journey, and then later, some stubborn decisions were made – completely on my part – that did not make the continuation of my journey very smooth. My checkpoints and transitions have been very choppy. They’ve been so rough that it’s wreaked havoc on my foundation. And so now I’m feeling the effects of said transitions. It’s as if my foundation is crumbling before my very eyes.
I’m confused.
That’s all.
And I don’t know where to go from here.
Perhaps that’s why I keep thinking that I don’t want to move forward.
I just don’t know which way to turn and take the first step.
Thus said, I do feel the need to go back to basics. It’s not like I need to “find myself” – that’s so cliché. It’s more like I need to find absolute truth[s]. And I think those truths will refine me; hopefully everything will then fall into place. Until then, I don’t know what will happen. I think I may just take a few chances and let the die fall where they may. Nobody’s perfect. You learn from mistakes. So here we go.
July 19, 2009
July 18, 2009
July 17, 2009
Ch. 478 - Reminded
'Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.'
[1 Peter 3:8]
[1 Peter 3:8]
July 16, 2009
Ch. 475 - Blessed or Cursed?
'For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commands, decrees, and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess.'
[Deuteronomy 30:16]
In this verse Moses is speaking to the Israelites. He has just renewed the covenant and told them of the prosperity they will obtain after turning to the Lord. The verses after verse sixteen go on to say that by turning away from the Lord results in destruction. Death. Curses. So essentially you can choose either life or death. You can see a parallelism in the New Testament, in choosing to believe in Christ and accepting Him into your heart. You choose Christ, you have eternal life. You deny Christ, you don't. You choose Christ, you 'love the Lord your God' and 'walk in His ways' and you will thrive. You will have joy, you will have peace, you will have mercy, grace, and love. Not only from God for yourself, but for others, as well. But if you deny Christ, game's over. It's a harsh reality, but it's true. You can "have fun", live a "good" life here on earth, and consider yourself blessed. But in reality, you're giving yourself to the world, not to God, and you will reap the consequences after life on earth. Turn to God. Take up your cross. Ask for forgiveness. Seek truth. God's blessings are boundless. But you can't expect to receive them by putting anything or anyone before the Lord. Choose what path you're going to take: the narrow, challenging path that leads you to life, or the wide, easy path that leads you nowhere.
[Deuteronomy 30:16]
In this verse Moses is speaking to the Israelites. He has just renewed the covenant and told them of the prosperity they will obtain after turning to the Lord. The verses after verse sixteen go on to say that by turning away from the Lord results in destruction. Death. Curses. So essentially you can choose either life or death. You can see a parallelism in the New Testament, in choosing to believe in Christ and accepting Him into your heart. You choose Christ, you have eternal life. You deny Christ, you don't. You choose Christ, you 'love the Lord your God' and 'walk in His ways' and you will thrive. You will have joy, you will have peace, you will have mercy, grace, and love. Not only from God for yourself, but for others, as well. But if you deny Christ, game's over. It's a harsh reality, but it's true. You can "have fun", live a "good" life here on earth, and consider yourself blessed. But in reality, you're giving yourself to the world, not to God, and you will reap the consequences after life on earth. Turn to God. Take up your cross. Ask for forgiveness. Seek truth. God's blessings are boundless. But you can't expect to receive them by putting anything or anyone before the Lord. Choose what path you're going to take: the narrow, challenging path that leads you to life, or the wide, easy path that leads you nowhere.
July 15, 2009
Ch. 474 - Anoint and Bestow
'The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.'
[Isaiah 61:1-3]
If only.
[Isaiah 61:1-3]
If only.
July 14, 2009
Ch. 473 - "Special" Effects
I wonder how often people know just what effect they have on others.
Is it pride if they do?
Is it humility if they don't?
Is it selfish to notice and then strive to do more of whatever it is that they do?
And, if it is in fact selfish, does giving God the "credit" and glory for said effects make everything alright?
I mean, as long as you're being selfish "for God" it's okay... right?
' "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away." '
[Luke 21:33]
Is it pride if they do?
Is it humility if they don't?
Is it selfish to notice and then strive to do more of whatever it is that they do?
And, if it is in fact selfish, does giving God the "credit" and glory for said effects make everything alright?
I mean, as long as you're being selfish "for God" it's okay... right?
' "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away." '
[Luke 21:33]
July 13, 2009
Ch. 472 - Change [Again]
Five days have come and passed.
I'm not making them up, blog-wise.
Why?
I'm at a point in my life where I keep thinking that nothing matters.
Not a good point to be, in my opinion.
For example, my thoughts are my thoughts.
And as of late, I feel as if that's how it should be.
They don't need to be shared.
Because I don't think that they matter.
Not even to myself, apparently:
I couldn't tell you how many hours have seemed to pass in the blink of an eye over the past few days. It's honestly as if I don't have a single, cohesive thought in my mind throughout those hours. Realizing this was not a pleasant experience. And thoughts did go through my mind after I snapped out of it, so to speak.
'I've gotta be losing it.'
'What's wrong with me?'
'This can't be right.'
'Am I mentally sound?'
And finally,
'Where is God in all this?'
[Cliché, yet reasonable, I figured.]
I then heard, "Yeah, Natalie... where am I?"
Good question.
I knew this was going to be the case.
I knew it was going to be difficult.
I knew I would have to work hard.
I knew obstacles would be present.
I knew, I knew, I knew.
So why am I so ill-prepared?
Why am I so lost?
Why am I so lonely?
Why am I so behind?
Am I giving all that I can give?
No.
Am I working as hard as I can work?
No.
Am I seeking?
Am I shining?
Am I striving?
No, no, and no.
That hurts.
But the truth hurts.
And that hurt gives me the desire to do something about it. What do we do when we are hurting? We go to a doctor to see what's wrong. We ask them to help us and, in most cases, they do exactly that. Before we know it, the pain goes away. Who is the ultimate Physician? My God.
And without His healing, without His love, without His grace and patience and mercy and justice, what I said above is true: nothing matters. Without Him in my life, I do not matter. For what good am I if I cannot praise Him? If I cannot glorify Him?
Nothing.
Turn to Christ.
Run to Him.
Love Him.
'Here is a trustworthy saying:
If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
if we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
if we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself.'
[2 Timothy 2:11-13]
I'm not making them up, blog-wise.
Why?
I'm at a point in my life where I keep thinking that nothing matters.
Not a good point to be, in my opinion.
For example, my thoughts are my thoughts.
And as of late, I feel as if that's how it should be.
They don't need to be shared.
Because I don't think that they matter.
Not even to myself, apparently:
I couldn't tell you how many hours have seemed to pass in the blink of an eye over the past few days. It's honestly as if I don't have a single, cohesive thought in my mind throughout those hours. Realizing this was not a pleasant experience. And thoughts did go through my mind after I snapped out of it, so to speak.
'I've gotta be losing it.'
'What's wrong with me?'
'This can't be right.'
'Am I mentally sound?'
And finally,
'Where is God in all this?'
[Cliché, yet reasonable, I figured.]
I then heard, "Yeah, Natalie... where am I?"
Good question.
I knew this was going to be the case.
I knew it was going to be difficult.
I knew I would have to work hard.
I knew obstacles would be present.
I knew, I knew, I knew.
So why am I so ill-prepared?
Why am I so lost?
Why am I so lonely?
Why am I so behind?
Am I giving all that I can give?
No.
Am I working as hard as I can work?
No.
Am I seeking?
Am I shining?
Am I striving?
No, no, and no.
That hurts.
But the truth hurts.
And that hurt gives me the desire to do something about it. What do we do when we are hurting? We go to a doctor to see what's wrong. We ask them to help us and, in most cases, they do exactly that. Before we know it, the pain goes away. Who is the ultimate Physician? My God.
And without His healing, without His love, without His grace and patience and mercy and justice, what I said above is true: nothing matters. Without Him in my life, I do not matter. For what good am I if I cannot praise Him? If I cannot glorify Him?
Nothing.
Turn to Christ.
Run to Him.
Love Him.
'Here is a trustworthy saying:
If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
if we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
if we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself.'
[2 Timothy 2:11-13]
July 7, 2009
Ch. 471 - Purchased by God
'And they sang a new song:
"You are worthy to take the scroll
and to open its seals,
because you were slain,
and with your blood you purchased
men for God
from every tribe and language and
people and nation.
You have made them to be a kingdom
and priests to serve our God,
and they will reign on the earth." '
[Revelation 5:9-10]
"You are worthy to take the scroll
and to open its seals,
because you were slain,
and with your blood you purchased
men for God
from every tribe and language and
people and nation.
You have made them to be a kingdom
and priests to serve our God,
and they will reign on the earth." '
[Revelation 5:9-10]
July 6, 2009
Ch. 470 - Be REAL
Alright, so I know I posted a devotional yesterday, but this was the follow-up devotional today and it speaks of something I feel very strongly about.
Don't Fear Authentic Relationships
'Authentic fellowship is not superficial, surface-level chit-chat. It's genuine, heart-to-heart, sometimes gut-level sharing.
It happens when people get honest about who they are and what is happening in their lives. They share their hurts, reveal their feelings, confess their failures, disclose their doubts, admit their fears, acknowledge their weaknesses, and ask for help and prayer.
Authenticity is the exact opposite of what you find in many churches. Instead of an atmosphere of honesty and humility, there is pretending, role-playing, politicking, and superficial politeness, but shallow conversation.
People wear masks, keep their guard up, and act as if everything is rosy in their lives. These attitudes are the death of real friendship.
It's only as we become open about our lives that we experience authentic fellowship. The Bible says, "If we live in the light, as God is in the light, we can share fellowship with each other . . . If we say we have no sin, we are fooling ourselves" (1 John 1:7-8 NCV).
The world thinks intimacy occurs in the dark, but God says it happens in the light. We tend to use darkness to hide our hurts, faults, fears, failures, and flaws. But in the light, we bring them all out into the open and admit who we really are.
Of course, being authentic requires both courage and humility. It means facing our fear of exposure, rejection, and being hurt again.
Why would anyone take such a risk?
Because it's the only way to grow spiritually and be emotionally healthy. The Bible says, "Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed" (James 5:16 MSG).'
Don't Fear Authentic Relationships
'Authentic fellowship is not superficial, surface-level chit-chat. It's genuine, heart-to-heart, sometimes gut-level sharing.
It happens when people get honest about who they are and what is happening in their lives. They share their hurts, reveal their feelings, confess their failures, disclose their doubts, admit their fears, acknowledge their weaknesses, and ask for help and prayer.
Authenticity is the exact opposite of what you find in many churches. Instead of an atmosphere of honesty and humility, there is pretending, role-playing, politicking, and superficial politeness, but shallow conversation.
People wear masks, keep their guard up, and act as if everything is rosy in their lives. These attitudes are the death of real friendship.
It's only as we become open about our lives that we experience authentic fellowship. The Bible says, "If we live in the light, as God is in the light, we can share fellowship with each other . . . If we say we have no sin, we are fooling ourselves" (1 John 1:7-8 NCV).
The world thinks intimacy occurs in the dark, but God says it happens in the light. We tend to use darkness to hide our hurts, faults, fears, failures, and flaws. But in the light, we bring them all out into the open and admit who we really are.
Of course, being authentic requires both courage and humility. It means facing our fear of exposure, rejection, and being hurt again.
Why would anyone take such a risk?
Because it's the only way to grow spiritually and be emotionally healthy. The Bible says, "Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed" (James 5:16 MSG).'
July 5, 2009
Ch. 469 - Courage for Friendships
This was one of my devotionals for today. The subject matter deals with something that I've struggled with in the past. Thankfully, I have been working at it and feel like it's an obstacle that I'm well on my way to overcoming.
Don't Fear Deeper Friendships
When we're full of fear and anxiety, we don't get close to each other. We back off from each other. We're afraid of being rejected, manipulated, vulnerable, hurt, or used. All of these fears cause us to disconnect in life.
This fear is as old as humanity. When Adam and Eve sinned, and God came looking for them, Adam said, "I was afraid . . . so I hid" (Genesis 3:10 NIV). People have been doing that ever since. We're afraid, so we hide. We hide our true selves.
We don't let people know what we're really like. We don't let them see the inside of us. Why? Because if we let people know what we're like and they don't like it, we're up a creek without a paddle. Tough luck. Why am I afraid to tell you who I am? Because if I tell you who I am, and you don't like me, I'm in for it. I have no alternative. So we wear masks and we pretend.
Fear does three terrible things to relationships:
1. Fear makes us defensive. We're afraid to reveal ourselves. We defend ourselves. When people point out our weaknesses, we retaliate and defend ourselves.
2. Fear keeps us distant. We don't let people get close to us. We want to withdraw, pull back. We want to hide our emotions. We don't want to be open and honest. We become defensive and distant.
3. Fear makes us demanding. Whenever we're insecure, and the more insecure we are, the more we try to control. So we try to have the last word in a relationship. We try to dominate, control. It's always a symptom of fear and insecurity.
Where do you get the confidence, the courage, to take the first step in connecting with someone, to go into a deeper intimacy? Where do you get that courage?
You get it from God's Spirit in your life. Paul tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7, "For the Holy Spirit, God's gift, does not want you to be afraid of people but to be wise and strong (courageous), and to love them and enjoy being with them" (LB).
How do you know when you're filled with God's Spirit? You're more courageous in your relationships. You love people. You enjoy being with them. You're not afraid of them because God's Spirit is in your life. The Bible says "God is love," and "Love casts out all fear." The more of God you have in your life, the less of fear you're going to have in your life.
So the starting point in connecting with anybody is to pause, pray, and say, "God, give me the courage to take the first step." You need to do that now with a person you want to connect with.
Don't Fear Deeper Friendships
When we're full of fear and anxiety, we don't get close to each other. We back off from each other. We're afraid of being rejected, manipulated, vulnerable, hurt, or used. All of these fears cause us to disconnect in life.
This fear is as old as humanity. When Adam and Eve sinned, and God came looking for them, Adam said, "I was afraid . . . so I hid" (Genesis 3:10 NIV). People have been doing that ever since. We're afraid, so we hide. We hide our true selves.
We don't let people know what we're really like. We don't let them see the inside of us. Why? Because if we let people know what we're like and they don't like it, we're up a creek without a paddle. Tough luck. Why am I afraid to tell you who I am? Because if I tell you who I am, and you don't like me, I'm in for it. I have no alternative. So we wear masks and we pretend.
Fear does three terrible things to relationships:
1. Fear makes us defensive. We're afraid to reveal ourselves. We defend ourselves. When people point out our weaknesses, we retaliate and defend ourselves.
2. Fear keeps us distant. We don't let people get close to us. We want to withdraw, pull back. We want to hide our emotions. We don't want to be open and honest. We become defensive and distant.
3. Fear makes us demanding. Whenever we're insecure, and the more insecure we are, the more we try to control. So we try to have the last word in a relationship. We try to dominate, control. It's always a symptom of fear and insecurity.
Where do you get the confidence, the courage, to take the first step in connecting with someone, to go into a deeper intimacy? Where do you get that courage?
You get it from God's Spirit in your life. Paul tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7, "For the Holy Spirit, God's gift, does not want you to be afraid of people but to be wise and strong (courageous), and to love them and enjoy being with them" (LB).
How do you know when you're filled with God's Spirit? You're more courageous in your relationships. You love people. You enjoy being with them. You're not afraid of them because God's Spirit is in your life. The Bible says "God is love," and "Love casts out all fear." The more of God you have in your life, the less of fear you're going to have in your life.
So the starting point in connecting with anybody is to pause, pray, and say, "God, give me the courage to take the first step." You need to do that now with a person you want to connect with.
July 4, 2009
Ch. 468 - Provision of Freedom
Happy Independence Day!
I'm thankful to God for the secular freedom that He has provided me.
However, I'm even more thankful for the freedom that God has provided me through His Son, Jesus Christ. There is essentially nothing I cannot do with the freedom I have.
'In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.'
[Ephesians 3:12]
I'm thankful to God for the secular freedom that He has provided me.
However, I'm even more thankful for the freedom that God has provided me through His Son, Jesus Christ. There is essentially nothing I cannot do with the freedom I have.
'In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.'
[Ephesians 3:12]
July 3, 2009
Ch. 467 - The Big 'IF'
' "If you love me, you will obey what I command." '
[John 14:15]
I used this verse a couple days ago. I like it a lot. To be honest, it cuts pretty deep every time I read it. It reminds me of how imperfect I am. And how conditional my love is. God sent His Son to die for us. John 15:13 says, ' "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." ' There is no greater love than the love that God has for us. Even so, we should be determined to love Him with everything that we have.
With all our heart.
With all our soul.
With all our strength.
With all our mind.
[Luke 10:27]
It's a tall order, but I don't think it would be commanded of us if we were not capable of doing so. I mean, Jesus never commanded, "Don't sin." Why? My guess... and granted, it's only a guess ... is that He knows we would never be able to not sin. Now, that doesn't mean that we should purposefully sin and have the mindset that it's okay. But God sent Christ as an example for us - someone we should strive to be like - because He knew that we would forever be sinful, and Christ never sinned. Yet He loves us, just the same. However, our love for Him could never measure up to His love for us. And oftentimes, our love isn't even apparent. We keep it to ourselves, which is incredibly unfortunate. We don't do anything with that love - especially when it comes to obedience, it seems.
"I can't do that. I'm too poor."
"I can't do that. I'm not talented enough."
"I can't do that. People would laugh at me."
But if God tells you to do something, why would you turn away? There is no telling what He would do through you. We shouldn't focus on what we think we "can't" do, but instead what we can do - and let God take care of the rest. "If you love me, you will obey what I command." This goes for anything and everything, I think, not just for the greatest commandments of loving God and loving others. I think we need to look inward more and ask ourselves if we are truly loving God by obeying what He commands.
[John 14:15]
I used this verse a couple days ago. I like it a lot. To be honest, it cuts pretty deep every time I read it. It reminds me of how imperfect I am. And how conditional my love is. God sent His Son to die for us. John 15:13 says, ' "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." ' There is no greater love than the love that God has for us. Even so, we should be determined to love Him with everything that we have.
With all our heart.
With all our soul.
With all our strength.
With all our mind.
[Luke 10:27]
It's a tall order, but I don't think it would be commanded of us if we were not capable of doing so. I mean, Jesus never commanded, "Don't sin." Why? My guess... and granted, it's only a guess ... is that He knows we would never be able to not sin. Now, that doesn't mean that we should purposefully sin and have the mindset that it's okay. But God sent Christ as an example for us - someone we should strive to be like - because He knew that we would forever be sinful, and Christ never sinned. Yet He loves us, just the same. However, our love for Him could never measure up to His love for us. And oftentimes, our love isn't even apparent. We keep it to ourselves, which is incredibly unfortunate. We don't do anything with that love - especially when it comes to obedience, it seems.
"I can't do that. I'm too poor."
"I can't do that. I'm not talented enough."
"I can't do that. People would laugh at me."
But if God tells you to do something, why would you turn away? There is no telling what He would do through you. We shouldn't focus on what we think we "can't" do, but instead what we can do - and let God take care of the rest. "If you love me, you will obey what I command." This goes for anything and everything, I think, not just for the greatest commandments of loving God and loving others. I think we need to look inward more and ask ourselves if we are truly loving God by obeying what He commands.
July 2, 2009
Ch. 466 - Proportionate Faith
'Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.'
[Matthew 9:22]
[Matthew 9:22]
July 1, 2009
Ch. 465 - Think About the Day
I don't think most of us think about how we spend our days. We are a routine-loving society. We can't help it. Our lives are built around schedules, to-do lists, and calendars. These things tell us when to do things, where to do them, who to do them with, and sometimes even how to do them.
Alarm goes off. Wake up.
Shower. Get dressed, etc.
Eat breakfast. Brush teeth.
Pack lunch. Go to work.
Answer emails. Meeting.
Eat lunch. Walk a bit.
Another meeting. Type proposal.
More emails. Organize files.
Another meeting.
Water cooler. [Right on time for the best gossip of the day.]
Prepare PowerPoint for tomorrow. Pack up.
Pick up kids. Snack time.
Drop kids off at soccer practice. Grocery shopping.
Laundry. Pick kids up again.
Fix dinner. Welcome home spouse.
Eat dinner. PTA meeting.
Help with homework. Watch some television.
Read. Get ready for bed.
Set alarm. Sleep.
Repeat.
Now, you can do this day-after-day, and do so happily, with cheer. You love your job, your family, and have no problem living each day the same as the day before. However, you do feel that something is amiss. You try to figure it out, but can't seem to place your finger on it. You don't think about it for awhile, but one evening you pray before going to bed - "Just because." Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where did that even come from? You brush it aside, but the next night, you say a few more words to... Whoever. But "getting spiritual" throws things off balance. It's different. And what's it for? Regardless, you decide it's not so bad. You even pick up a Bible and start reading a little. Again, "Just because. Why not?" However, when you start thinking about church, you decide you don't want to push it. Yet you enjoy what you read. And you don't think that those words at night are just thrown out there into nothingness. So you start going to church. And what do you know? You like it. Meet some nice people. Hear some good music. Guy up front seems to know what's he's doing. Alright, sure. You decide to stick around. Unfortunately, your life seems to be even more off balance now. You're not used to all this new "stuff". Wait, you've even gotten sucked into a church committee? That's a pretty big step... Next thing you know, you've got one more meeting to attend bimonthly. If you felt a little dizzy before, you're now positive that the room is spinning around you constantly. But you still like it. Even your kids are getting into it! Youth group, kid's choir... Sunday school?! The scales are tipping even farther. You're feeling different. There seems to be more to life, although each day seems shorter than before. Weird. Your prayers become more fervent, and you start to dig into the Bible deeply. Then one day, it clicks. You get it. Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. There He is, with open arms. With each passing day, you grow closer to God, having realized it's not about to-do lists or church committees or listening to a choir sing on Sunday morning. He becomes your God, even though you have always been His child. And suddenly, your life feels balanced again. Zealous and joyful, you finally begin to live your life for Him, day by day. You strive to love Him and love others to the best of your ability, day by day. You live freely - but with purpose - day by day. You live, obedient and watchful, day by day.
Annie Dillard [an author] once said, "How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives." True? Well. If we're spending our days the way we want to spend our lives, then I think we're going to more readily say it is true. But if we're not, then it's going to be more difficult to say that it's true. Unfortunately, just because we're not willing to say it's true doesn't mean that it's not.
I believe that a relationship with God is an everyday ordeal. It shouldn't be an every other day relationship. We can't want to be close to Him one day, then turn our backs on Him the next. Sure, we do exactly that sometimes, but we shouldn't. If we're not consistently working at it each day, it becomes easy to fall away. It becomes easy to believe that we can do this thing called life on our own. It becomes easy to look after ourselves and only ourselves. Above all else, we need God. And we need to do what He commands of us. We need to be thinking about the return of Christ. We need to get out there and love people and help them know our Savior. But if we don't realize these things now, each day, how much more difficult will it be to do so in a year? Five years? Ten years? And how much more difficult will it be to actually do something about it?
So I challenge you to constantly be thinking about the moments that are ahead of you. You don't have to think about tomorrow. Just today. What are you going to do today? Sit back and think that 'someone else' will do 'it' - whatever 'it' may be? Or are you going to be proactive and do what needs to be done, letting God use you in ways that He sees fit?
Be willing.
Be ready.
' "If you love me, you will obey what I command." '
[John 14:15]
Alarm goes off. Wake up.
Shower. Get dressed, etc.
Eat breakfast. Brush teeth.
Pack lunch. Go to work.
Answer emails. Meeting.
Eat lunch. Walk a bit.
Another meeting. Type proposal.
More emails. Organize files.
Another meeting.
Water cooler. [Right on time for the best gossip of the day.]
Prepare PowerPoint for tomorrow. Pack up.
Pick up kids. Snack time.
Drop kids off at soccer practice. Grocery shopping.
Laundry. Pick kids up again.
Fix dinner. Welcome home spouse.
Eat dinner. PTA meeting.
Help with homework. Watch some television.
Read. Get ready for bed.
Set alarm. Sleep.
Repeat.
Now, you can do this day-after-day, and do so happily, with cheer. You love your job, your family, and have no problem living each day the same as the day before. However, you do feel that something is amiss. You try to figure it out, but can't seem to place your finger on it. You don't think about it for awhile, but one evening you pray before going to bed - "Just because." Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where did that even come from? You brush it aside, but the next night, you say a few more words to... Whoever. But "getting spiritual" throws things off balance. It's different. And what's it for? Regardless, you decide it's not so bad. You even pick up a Bible and start reading a little. Again, "Just because. Why not?" However, when you start thinking about church, you decide you don't want to push it. Yet you enjoy what you read. And you don't think that those words at night are just thrown out there into nothingness. So you start going to church. And what do you know? You like it. Meet some nice people. Hear some good music. Guy up front seems to know what's he's doing. Alright, sure. You decide to stick around. Unfortunately, your life seems to be even more off balance now. You're not used to all this new "stuff". Wait, you've even gotten sucked into a church committee? That's a pretty big step... Next thing you know, you've got one more meeting to attend bimonthly. If you felt a little dizzy before, you're now positive that the room is spinning around you constantly. But you still like it. Even your kids are getting into it! Youth group, kid's choir... Sunday school?! The scales are tipping even farther. You're feeling different. There seems to be more to life, although each day seems shorter than before. Weird. Your prayers become more fervent, and you start to dig into the Bible deeply. Then one day, it clicks. You get it. Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. There He is, with open arms. With each passing day, you grow closer to God, having realized it's not about to-do lists or church committees or listening to a choir sing on Sunday morning. He becomes your God, even though you have always been His child. And suddenly, your life feels balanced again. Zealous and joyful, you finally begin to live your life for Him, day by day. You strive to love Him and love others to the best of your ability, day by day. You live freely - but with purpose - day by day. You live, obedient and watchful, day by day.
Annie Dillard [an author] once said, "How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives." True? Well. If we're spending our days the way we want to spend our lives, then I think we're going to more readily say it is true. But if we're not, then it's going to be more difficult to say that it's true. Unfortunately, just because we're not willing to say it's true doesn't mean that it's not.
I believe that a relationship with God is an everyday ordeal. It shouldn't be an every other day relationship. We can't want to be close to Him one day, then turn our backs on Him the next. Sure, we do exactly that sometimes, but we shouldn't. If we're not consistently working at it each day, it becomes easy to fall away. It becomes easy to believe that we can do this thing called life on our own. It becomes easy to look after ourselves and only ourselves. Above all else, we need God. And we need to do what He commands of us. We need to be thinking about the return of Christ. We need to get out there and love people and help them know our Savior. But if we don't realize these things now, each day, how much more difficult will it be to do so in a year? Five years? Ten years? And how much more difficult will it be to actually do something about it?
So I challenge you to constantly be thinking about the moments that are ahead of you. You don't have to think about tomorrow. Just today. What are you going to do today? Sit back and think that 'someone else' will do 'it' - whatever 'it' may be? Or are you going to be proactive and do what needs to be done, letting God use you in ways that He sees fit?
Be willing.
Be ready.
' "If you love me, you will obey what I command." '
[John 14:15]
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