Ch. 479 - Back to Basics

Alright. Yeah, I lied. Well, I suppose I shall pick up where I left off. Chapter 479 - Back to Basics.

Here's the deal.

I don't want to lie to myself [or anyone else, for that matter] anymore, and I don't want to put up a wall, or a pretty façade. I'm not right with God. At all. I know, I know... "I'm a sinner, we all are, but I'm forgiven..." etc., etc., etc. We've all heard it before. And so maybe that's why it becomes easier to ignore sin as it takes hold of us; we subconsciously know that by God's grace He makes things okay for us. We may not be able to overcome sin, but we can certainly become numb to it. But I'm not necessarily thinking a lot about sin, it just sort of popped into my head.

So anyway.
I said I'm not right with God. And it's true.

I'm living this ugly, tiring life consisting of a few days going well [faith wise, that is], a couple weeks going not so well. I'm really disappointing myself. I tend to hold high expectations of myself and set standards and goals to be met. I thought this summer was going to be a fantastic time of growth - and not just for myself, but for my friends and peers, as well. I've been praying for them and what ministries they're involved with. I've been learning about what they've been doing and how God is working in their lives. And I’m happy for them. Excited, even.

But I feel like my life is a complete mess.
I really do.

How have I begun to put it… ? Something along the lines of ‘I keep thinking more about the world and what I can get out of it, rather than thinking about Christ and what I can receive from God.’ It’s true. Sure, we are all conformists to the world and could always think more about Christ and “set our minds on things above”, but I just feel that I’m so far out of orbit that there’s no coming back down. My attitude and outlook on a lot of things have changed. My thoughts - going five thousand miles an hour, of course – are definitely not centered on Christ. I am constantly on the brink of giving into temptation. I feel forgotten, anxious, irritated, even nervous. Just… different. I mean, I could really go on and on, but I feel like I have to actually censor what I say. Gahhh. I almost wish I hadn't started this blog. I have such a love/hate relationship with it. I love being able to quickly jot down what I'm thinking and what's been on my heart and just getting it out there, but now that I've been doing it for a year and a half, it's like a chore at times. And knowing that people read it can be such a source of pride. I might as well just stick to using Microsoft Word or something. Because I love to write, I just don't have the desire to jot down everything by hand these days. Typing is so much quicker. Man. Am I a girl of the late 20th/21st century or what?

… Talk about tangents. Whew.

So to recap: censorship. I don't like it. I may even start a new blog and not tell anyone about it, or make it private. We’ll see.

Moving on, if I were to have someone that I feel I could trust and talk to about everything and anything - God doesn't count - I think I would be better off. I can pray, talk to God, and read my Bible all I want, but there’s something about being able to speak with a tangible being that I feel is important. And I mean, I've always wanted a mentor/accountability partner and have prayed like you wouldn't believe for one, but have never felt like God gave me someone to approach or anything.

… Dang it. See? Another lie. He did, I was just too stubborn and prideful to admit it and actually go anywhere with the opportunity. And, of course, now I regret it. It's just a never-ending cycle with me. I start at Point A, feeling sub-point 1, which leads me to feeling sub-point 2, which brings me to Point B, feeling sub-point 3, which leads me to feeling sub-point 4, which brings me back to Point A. It's terrible. It really is.

But here's the thing: I don't care.

I couldn't tell you how many times I've thought or said aloud those three words in the last two weeks. I've described my feelings to a few people by saying 'I regret a few of my decisions, but I don't want to move forward.' I'm fine where I am in the world. But with God, I'm not fine. And I know it needs to be one or the other, but right now I don't want to go back to where I was this past school year. I can skip, jump, and play – quite easily, I might add – on the wide path. Right? But that’s not the path that leads to life, as said in Matthew 7:13-14. And so I have to die to self day after day. It’s not easy, but it’s the right thing to do. However, even as I realize this, I have to ask myself “Why?”

Why do I think it’s the right thing to do?
Why do I need to die to self every day?
Why do I have to traverse the narrow path?
Why do I make the decisions that I do?
Why do I go to Bible college?
Why do I want to be a missionary?
Why do I believe what I do?
And what is it that I truly believe, anyway?

I look at these questions as both good and bad.

Good, in the sense that I’m pushing myself to make my faith my own.
Bad, in the sense that I’m greatly needing a challenge.

You may think that there’s nothing wrong with needing to be challenged, but in my mind there is. You see, the last time I felt the need to be greatly challenged and wanted something new, I completely turned away from Christ and came to believe false truths. Granted, it was the realization that my “new” life was a complete lie that led me back into God’s arms [Who in turn brought me to Central, etc.], but still. I’m scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I feel like I have so much to learn. But what is it, exactly, that I will end up learning? I mean, I want to completely start anew. I “believe” what I do because most of it is what I’ve been taught. Only a couple layers of my foundation were poured based on experience. And not only that, but I also feel that my foundation is very weak. I feel as if I’ve missed out on a lot over the years. I feel that some selfish decisions were made – not on my part – that put a halt to my journey, and then later, some stubborn decisions were made – completely on my part – that did not make the continuation of my journey very smooth. My checkpoints and transitions have been very choppy. They’ve been so rough that it’s wreaked havoc on my foundation. And so now I’m feeling the effects of said transitions. It’s as if my foundation is crumbling before my very eyes.

I’m confused.
That’s all.
And I don’t know where to go from here.
Perhaps that’s why I keep thinking that I don’t want to move forward.
I just don’t know which way to turn and take the first step.

Thus said, I do feel the need to go back to basics. It’s not like I need to “find myself” – that’s so cliché. It’s more like I need to find absolute truth[s]. And I think those truths will refine me; hopefully everything will then fall into place. Until then, I don’t know what will happen. I think I may just take a few chances and let the die fall where they may. Nobody’s perfect. You learn from mistakes. So here we go.