Ch. 472 - Change [Again]

Five days have come and passed.
I'm not making them up, blog-wise.

Why?

I'm at a point in my life where I keep thinking that nothing matters.
Not a good point to be, in my opinion.

For example, my thoughts are my thoughts.
And as of late, I feel as if that's how it should be.
They don't need to be shared.
Because I don't think that they matter.
Not even to myself, apparently:

I couldn't tell you how many hours have seemed to pass in the blink of an eye over the past few days. It's honestly as if I don't have a single, cohesive thought in my mind throughout those hours. Realizing this was not a pleasant experience. And thoughts did go through my mind after I snapped out of it, so to speak.

'I've gotta be losing it.'
'What's wrong with me?'
'This can't be right.'
'Am I mentally sound?'

And finally,

'Where is God in all this?'

[Cliché, yet reasonable, I figured.]

I then heard, "Yeah, Natalie... where am I?"

Good question.

I knew this was going to be the case.
I knew it was going to be difficult.
I knew I would have to work hard.
I knew obstacles would be present.
I knew, I knew, I knew.

So why am I so ill-prepared?
Why am I so lost?
Why am I so lonely?
Why am I so behind?

Am I giving all that I can give?
No.
Am I working as hard as I can work?
No.
Am I seeking?
Am I shining?
Am I striving?

No, no, and no.

That hurts.
But the truth hurts.
And that hurt gives me the desire to do something about it. What do we do when we are hurting? We go to a doctor to see what's wrong. We ask them to help us and, in most cases, they do exactly that. Before we know it, the pain goes away. Who is the ultimate Physician? My God.

And without His healing, without His love, without His grace and patience and mercy and justice, what I said above is true: nothing matters. Without Him in my life, I do not matter. For what good am I if I cannot praise Him? If I cannot glorify Him?

Nothing.

Turn to Christ.
Run to Him.
Love Him.


'Here is a trustworthy saying:

If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
if we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
if we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself.'
[2 Timothy 2:11-13]