I feel that I never give my best to anyone.
Including God.
That is a difficult realization. It pains me to admit it. Yet I can only imagine the hurt that God feels, because He created me and knows what I am capable of. And while He knows me even better than I do, I certainly know that I could be giving so much more to not only God, but people as well.
I was talking to a friend tonight and mentioned that even though it may seem a bit prideful, I believe I have a big heart. I added that however, I tend to pick and choose the people I want to share it with. And that's not fair. It's easy to let most people only have a glimpse, and then let a select few see it wholly. I believe I have the right to choose whom I want to give my heart to. But God created us to be the body of Christ. I should thus allow people to know my heart. I think by knowing fellow believer's hearts, it's beneficial to one another in figuring out how we can work together and use our God-given gifts and abilities to further His Kingdom.
But how often do we do that? A friend once told me that we can see people's hearts through their words and actions. And while I agree, I think that we have to be careful in our perceptions... because unfortunately, we are a deceitful people. We don't always mean to deceive, at least not to hurt people, but it happens. A lot of times it's for protection of self. And sometimes, I think we honestly don't know that we're deceiving, or tricking others, because it has become second nature to us. The mind is powerful. I mean, if you tell a lie enough times, you start to believe it's not a lie.
... So even when we think we're letting people know us, letting people know our hearts, it's completely untrue.
I'm not trying to preach to the choir in these posts.
I use "we" and "us" a lot of the time, which means I simply include myself with those whom I am talking to, but my thoughts are usually in first-person. Going off of what I said a couple days ago, I am often talking to myself when I write.
I am inflicted with sin.
I am not blameless.
I am imperfect.
I tend to see and point out my weaknesses and inabilities before I think about my strengths and abilities. So it's easy to want to put up those walls, so that other people don't know about me. And then, when I do reflect and try to focus on those strengths and abilities, it's difficult to let those walls down and let people in.
Man.
Everything's a ridiculous cycle with me.
For example:
I tend to believe that I don't like myself.
So I put up walls, hoping people won't come to know me.
Then I become sad that I'm not close with people.
So I put up façades, thinking people can't tell anything's wrong.
Then I become upset because nobody knows what's going on with me.
So I put on masks, trying to fool people into thinking everything's fine.
Then I realize I'm not being me, and again believe that I don't like myself.
But then I start thinking, 'Well... do I even truly know who I am?'
Do I really know the young woman God created me to be?
Who is that?
What should my heart truly look like?
What should my life look like?
Part of the chorus of the song Faithful Father by Sarah Kelly says:
'Faithful Father I surrender all to You.
All my love and my devotion, all to You.'
Easy to memorize and sing.
Difficult to truly mean and apply.
Do we - no - do I truly surrender all to my God? Do I give Him all my love and devotion?
......
This week we were challenged to live each day with the intent of standing before God with a pure heart. I love that. It's a beautiful challenge. But how can I attempt to do so if I'm not even giving my best to God right now? And yes, He knows my heart and can see it for Himself... but how can I attempt to stand before Him with a pure heart if I'm not even willing to "show" Him my heart in the first place? Having a big heart, potential, and room to grow won't do anything for me if I'm not willing to share it with other people and my Lord God.
'Who may ascend the hill of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false.'
[Psalm 24:3-4]
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