I want to kill myself.
No, I'm not suicidal.
But I want to brutally take my life and throw it all away.
Because I need to.
And if I don't, I'm going to die one day and that will be that.
It's just that every day I find myself thinking, "Ok. Die to self. Got it."
I even have a reminder to do so on my door at eye level so I see it every time I leave my dorm room to "go out into the world". An extra reminder never hurts, right? So I think about it, I pray about it, annnd I fail. Hour after hour, day after day, week after week. Nothing's ever good enough. And what does dying to self even look like? I mean, I don't think I've ever fully, truly died to myself. Alright, so I believe. I trust. Jesus Christ, Son of God, is my Lord and Savior. But then what? I like to think that I consciously make an effort to give God what I can, but I have a hard time reaching the bar I feel I've set for myself. Is there shame in lowering my expectations? Will I more often be graced with that realization of God's presence because I'll finally be "doing better" as I constantly tell myself? Am I really just not getting it? When will I fully understand the consequences of my decisions and actions?
I'm going to hell.
I joke around about that pretty often.
"Uh-oh, I didn't go to chapel today. I'm going to hell."
"Oops, I flipped Tito off in jest. He laughed, I laughed - but I'm probably going to hell."
I'm not joking around anymore.
I. am. going. to. hell...
... if something doesn't change.
And soon, at that.
'Oh, but Natalie... it just takes believing in Jesus. You're okay.'
NO! I'M NOT OKAY!
And if you honestly think that all it takes is what I just stated above...
... then you're not okay, either.
"Relationship, not religion."
True.
The thing is, I don't even have that relationship right now.
But it's more than that, even.
At one point I finally realized that and took things to the next level.
Guess what? I'm not about to tell you what it entails.
You have to find out for yourself.
How many of us have been spoon-fed everything we believe in?
Yet even though I had taken things to that next level, it wasn't from the heart. I am forgetful. I put what truly matters aside. Two steps forward, one step back, right? Or one step forward, two steps back. Either way, I move backwards at one point and I don't want that. But I let myself anyway. I've done it before, I'll do it again. I know what happens, I know how I'll feel, I know the consequences. And I hate it. So why do I let myself do it over and over again?
Do I care?
DO I CARE?
"I want to kill myself."
"I'm going to hell."
These seem like pretty rough statements. And they are.
But I've found that it often takes extremes to get me to change.
[I know I've said that before.]
I have to learn things the hard way, you know?
' "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven... Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'" '
[Matthew 7:21,23]
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