Ch. 682 - Provoked

' "But you did not listen to me," declares the Lord, "and you have provoked me with what your hands have made, and you have brought harm to yourselves." '
[Jeremiah 25:7]

... I do not even want to begin to imagine what provoking the Lord could possibly bring. Just sayin'.

Ch. 682 - Provoked

' "But you did not listen to me," declares the Lord, "and you have provoked me with what your hands have made, and you have brought harm to yourselves." '
[Jeremiah 25:7]

Okay, in all honesty... I don't think I even want to attempt to imagine what a provoking of the Lord would bring upon me. Frightening.

Ch. 655 - Vessels

God and man.
Potter and clay.

I like this.
A lot.

Overused?
Not to me.

We truly are like clay.
The transformation of clay into pots is involved.

The clay needs to be refined.
The removal of impurities takes time.
Water gives life to clay. Makes it pliable.
A solid base is given to each pot. Stability to build upon.
The clay is molded by hands into the form the potter desires.
No pot is the same, even though they all come from the ground.
If the pot is not coming along the way the potter imagined, the potter will break it down and start anew. There is no hurry. Even though no pot turns out to be perfect, each is perfect in the eyes of the potter.

Each pot is unique.
Traits.
Character.

But they are made to be used.
Filled.
Poured out.
Filled.
Poured out.

Be thankful that you do not sit on a shelf as a dry, decorated vessel.
For what good is a pot that remains empty and still all of its days?


' "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?" declares the Lord. "Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel." '
[Jeremiah 18:6]

Ch. 244 - Small Answers Matter

I've had a great day - and it all started with a text message at 5:47 this morning. It's strange to think how a simple text message can put your day into motion with happiness and excitement. This message was from someone whom I care about greatly and love very much. Unfortunately, we've both been kind of cut out from each other's lives. It's really sad, honestly. Now, I can't say I know this friend's heart; I don't know where he is with God. But I've been praying for him for a good year now about his relationship with Christ... and more recently about our friendship and contact. So this text message was, in a way, an answer to prayer. It was a small answer - but it was a small answer to an awfully big prayer. It just goes to show how greatly God works in our lives and how small, simple things can build up our faith in Him.


'I will turn their mourning into gladness, I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.'
[Jeremiah 31:13]

Awww yeah. Taking the Bible out of context, one verse at a time.
It's how I do.

Ch. 164 - And So It Begins

I'm writing this from my room at Central Christian College of the Bible in Moberly, MO. I've settled in nicely and everything is pretty much a go. I don't start classes until Thursday. Central has a lot of things planned for the students before then, mostly for the benefit of getting to know our peers - as well as the faculty and staff - which is really nice.

Honestly though, I'm most excited for classes to begin. I mean, yes, I love meeting new people and making friends, but if that's what life is all about I wouldn't have left some of the best friends I've ever had in Salt Lake so that I could go to school here. I've decided that having friends while going to school is a benefit... however, a necessary benefit. Without friends you will not grow and flourish as nicely as you would if you have friends. They can definitely become like family and be a great support system. Besides, you never know which one of your friends will become your future husband or wife - which, yes, was mentioned last night at dinner by the president of Central.

Anyway.

I feel really comfortable here. This should be a great year. I know that God has some amazing things in store for not just myself, but all of the students at Central. I know I'm going to grow in so many ways, but I have no idea how that growth will occur... which makes it all the more exciting!


' "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." '
[Jeremiah 29:11-13]

That makes four.

Ch. 149 - Getting Over 'It'

Time to be tough.
Suck it up.
Get over it.
It's not a big deal.

I keep saying these things to myself, in regards to not being in Salt Lake. I'm homesick for Utah. How crazy is that? I was there for ten months and I miss it like no other. I said it in my other blog, too, but I'm not too proud to say it again and again and again. Because never before had I experienced LIFE the way I did when I lived in SLC.

And you know, sometimes you just have to say what you're thinking.

I miss walking around campus. I miss reading on the city library's roof. I miss riding TRAX. I miss leaving notes on the boys' apartment door. I miss walking the Red Butte trails. I miss seeing snow on the mountains surrounding the valley. I miss crossing the Legacy Bridge on winter mornings on the way to weightlifting. I miss sipping piping hot Americano in CoffeeBreak.

But most of all, I miss the people I met.

I miss listening to Darcy's hilarious stories.
I miss God-talks with Matt.
I miss Shawn's dancing and prancing around.
I miss hearing Spencer make fun of Brittany.
I miss hearing Tiffany make fun of Spencer.
I miss Zach's quiet nonchalance.
I miss Katie's humorous quips.
I miss learning about Ross' reckless ideas.
I miss Kastin's amazing hugs.
I miss random talks with Landon about nothing and everything.
I miss Ricky's quiet enthusiasm.
I miss Jackie's passionate outbursts.
I miss listening to Ben leading praise at Ute-Nited.
I miss Katie C's contagious laughter.
I miss thinking and thinking and thinking about David's questions.
I miss experiencing Jess' excitement about small group.

I could go on forever with these 'I miss' statements - especially about specific people - but I'm not going to waste my time grieving over the fact that I'm not in Salt Lake City at this point in time and that there are people, places and things that I miss.

My dad has kept on asking me if I'm sure I want to go to school in Missouri, or if I want to go back to Utah. Of course I want to go back to Utah! Now that I've been and know what it's like out there and have developed relationships with some incredibly special people, I think if I don't go back eventually that I will go crazy. Whether I go for a long weekend visit once in awhile... for summer work... for two years of school at Salt Lake Theological Seminary... for inner-city mission work for the rest of my life... I will go back. But for now, I know that I need to be elsewhere. It killed me to realize that and let God take over, but at the same time it's giving me life. And that's where I find rest. Knowing that it's God's will and that His plan for me is the best plan for me.


' "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." '
[Jeremiah 29:11-13]

Hm. How many times have I used these verses so far? Three?
I think I'm starting to see a theme here.

Ch. 86 - Weighted Down

I want to transfer.
Again.

To the same school I wanted to transfer to a few months ago, Central Christian College of the Bible (which is in Moberly, Missouri).

I don't know what's wrong with me! Even when I took that... ummm, hiatus... I kept thinking about it. I was so sure that I wanted to stay here. And my parents are going to kill me, I'm pretty sure. But I don't think I'd mind, because then I wouldn't have to feel guilty anymore and there would be no more making billions of decisions (see my 'Side Notes' blog...). Plus I'd get to be with Jesus. Always a good thing.

If I was so sure that I'm supposed to be here, why does this come up again? Why do I feel so torn? I don't usually like to even joke around with saying things like, "Why does God torture me like this?!" but I'm at that point, currently, and I think I can afford to be pessimistic once in a while.

I don't think this is for me, after all. I don't want to work for the government. Neither do I want to teach English or Arabic. Or work in hospitals or other private sector areas. I want to know the Bible inside and out. I want to know everything there is to know about God and His qualities, Jesus, His life, His disciples, His teachings. I want to learn theology, Christian principles and history. I could try to teach myself as much as I could, but I know myself better than that. I need structure. I need discipline. Why not go to school to learn what I want to learn, have that structure and discipline, truly, truly, truly love what I'm doing and get a degree out of it? I want to focus all of my attention on this. It's like I need to or else I'll go crazy.

I need to answer this call.
I kept saying "I'm staying, I'm home."
I kept saying "I'm at peace with my decision."
But was I really?
I think that by saying I was I was trying to get myself to think that I was.
If I don't go now, I may regret not doing so in the future.
So I'm going to say it again.
I need to answer this call.

I want to fully serve God.
I want to share His Word.
I want to share His Love.
I want to help people.
I want to share my faith.
I want to build up His Kingdom.
I want to go on missions.

Biblical Studies and Cross-Cultural Ministry at CCCB.
It's perfect.

I've used this Bible verse before, but I will never hesitate to use it again:


' "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." '
[Jeremiah 29:11-13]

(Context, schmontext.)

Ch. 70 - The Confession

I am broken.

My heart's still beating.

But it hurts.


'But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.'
[Jeremiah 17:7-8]

Ch. 8 - Father Knows Best

I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm an incredibly anal person. I also believe I have OCD to a very small extent - you know, not where it gets in the way of living life 'normally,' but where you will hear me say 'I'm so OCD!' often enough that it makes you wonder. I like organization. I like to plan.

At one point, I had a plan. I had a plan and nothing was going to stop me from following through with it. I knew exactly how I wanted my life to pan out. I worked on this plan all last summer, and I thought it was brilliant. Just brilliant. Here's what would happen.

I'd move out of Iowa, go to the University of Utah. I would major in Middle Eastern Studies, continuing with the Arabic from high school. The summer after freshman year, I'd most likely study in the Middle East through the State Department Critical Language Scholarship Program. If I wasn't accepted, I'd go on my own to Cairo to CASA, or the Center for Arabic Study Abroad. I'd come back to Utah. The summers after sophomore and junior years, I'd intern for the FSO or CIA through their two-year programs, so that I could establish some connections and start to make a name for myself - and so that they would pay for my last two years of school. After I graduated, I would work for the FSO or CIA, because of loyalty commitments for when they paid for my schooling. After I was no longer required to work for them, I would work for an NGO, making approximately $200,000 a year, right off the bat, to translate for the NGO somewhere in the Middle East; sure, it'd be dangerous, but I'd work for the NGO just long enough to be able to pay off any loans, give some money to my parents as a 'thank you' for all they had done, and have enough in the bank to not have to worry for awhile. I'd then attend the Walsh School of Foreign Service at Georgetown University and go back to the State Department as a Foreign Service Officer, working my way up to be Deputy Chief of Missions in an embassy in the Middle East - preferably in Damascus, Syria. I'd live the good life. I was going to buy my parents a villa in Damascus (yes, there are Damascan villas), buy my brother the best trumpet money can buy, and give my sister and her husband money to go on the biggest shopping spree of their lives. Somewhere in there I'd marry and have one child; if I had a boy, I would then adopt a girl - and if I had a girl, I would then adopt a boy. I'd also sponsor at least three children from a third world country. I'd live in the Middle East for the rest of my life, and my children would be raised to speak both Arabic and English. I would also have a home in a southeastern state in America, because I've missed the South ever since my family moved to Iowa.

That was the plan, and I was going to stick with it until I had checked off every single item on the to-do list.

But God has something else in mind for me... even though I had concocted that plan, I've come to believe it's not His plan for me.

It took a few months here in Utah to happen, but God turned my life upside-down. He wrapped His arms around me and He's not letting go. In a very short amount of time, I experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly - only to have it return to not just the good, but the great. I had weeks on end of those infamous 'God highs'... I experienced absolute confusion and mystery (and still do, but that's another chapter for another day)... and I faced serious problems in regards to spiritual discernment. But in the end, I grew closer to God, matured in my faith, and learned a lot about myself because of the people I've met and the things I've experienced here.

So right now I don't have a real plan. I don't know what's going to happen, because I've given everything over to God and I'm putting my full trust in Him. I do know God has changed my heart. I know He's called me to serve Him. I know I won't be at the University of Utah next year. I know I'll either be on a summer project through Campus Crusade for Christ, or back in Cedar Rapids, Iowa this summer. But that's where it ends. And for the first time since I can remember, I'm ok with not having a plan.


' "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." '
[Jeremiah 29:11-13]