Ch. 753 - Held

Learning.
Always learning.
Always learning about myself.
Always learning about myself, always learning about God.

And His will for my life.
And what He desires of me.

Let me tell you... having truth spoken into your life is good.
Truly, truly, truly good.
But man oh man can it hurt.

Sometimes I am amazed at how greatly I struggle without even realizing it.
Sometimes I have no idea where to begin, after having been picked up by God.

I am... overwhelmed.
I am... lonely.
But I am not alone.

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 350.

Ch. 217 - A Thorough How-To

Sometimes I just wish that there was a step-by-step guide... manual... map... to my life. I could see where I'm supposed to be going, who I'm supposed to be interacting with, what I'm supposed to think, say and do. I could see how to live my entire life. Wouldn't that be grand?

I have no clue what I'm going to do. I go back and forth, back and forth between options. I can't just not have a plan anymore. I need a goal. An objective. A dream or two, at the very least - and I do. I even spoke of said dreams in a previous post. But I feel like that's not good enough.

And I want more than a gentle nudge in one direction or a faint whisper in my ear. God obviously doesn't understand that I don't operate that way. Oh, wait... He's the one who created me. Oops. I guess He does... hmph. You fooled me, God, that's for sure.

I'm still learning patience. Every time I think I've got it under my belt, I am proven wrong. Not that there's anything wrong with that. If patience is such a virtue (a 'particular moral excellence'), as the saying goes, I suppose there's no way that we can ever have it down pat after a year or two. That would be too easy.

But God knows what He's doing. And that is a comforting thought.


'May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance.'
[2 Thessalonians 3:5]

Ch. 192 - I NEED YOU

My God, my God, where are You?

I'm not doing too well.

I really need some down time with God... for like, a few days.
That's it.
Nothing and no one but God.

I technically have the freedom to do that, but it's so difficult when you're constantly with people who you know will ask questions. Sometimes I wish I could get away with just not talking to people. Ever. Isn't that terrible?

Today was not fun.
I'm dealing with so much at once, it seems.
Lies.
Death.
Oppression, even.
And to top it all off, it's so frustrating that dinner's at 5! Man!

I just feel tired. I'm so tired I want to scream. Strange, I know, but it's me. What can I say? Tonight I was running and I just kept going and going. Running's my tonic. Whenever I'm running, I'm good to go. Nothing can touch me. But I suddenly had to just stop. I cried out to God and prayed and tried to listen for Him, but I felt so alone.

Right now I feel as if having a relationship with God is really easy... but I'm making it really difficult for myself. Ridiculous.


'Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.'
[2 Corinthians 1:3-5]

Ch. 185 - A Little Help

James. My new favorite book of the Bible.

'Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.'
[James 1:2-4]

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Ch. 185, Part Two:

I just read through some of my previous posts and realized that I've actually been using Scripture verses from James quite a bit recently. I just hadn't realized it until now. And the reason I said that James is my new favorite book of the Bible is because a couple days ago somebody had told me to read it and God spoke to me through basically the entire book. It was really uplifting and is currently helping me deal with some rough patches I'm going through. God is good. He knows exactly what we need and when we need it.

Ch. 154 - Words to Live By

I've finally finished a book I've been reading since maybe... March? I think that's about right. Well. More like February, I think. I've been reading a few pages here and there. Usually when I start to read a book, I finish that day or the next - no matter how many chapters or pages it contains (I'm a quick reader, but able to comprehend everything very well.). But for some reason, this has been a 'pick up-set down' kind of book. But it's been very interesting how that has worked out for me. It seems that each time I read anything from this book God directly spoke to me through the writing. If I was ever bothered by anything, I was calmed. If I was ever wondering about something, my questions were answered. Really cool.

The book is titled Essential Writings. It is made up of selections from over a dozen books by Carlo Carretto. He was a member of the Little Brothers of Jesus, the order inspired by the spirituality of Charles de Foucauld.

One of my favorite parts was near the end of the book. The chapter is titled 'Last Things'. The quote I am about to post comes from Carretto's book And God Saw That It Was Good, but the section is titled 'The Face of Crucified Love'.

'Jesus gave the example by living as he lived, by dying as he died; he explained to us how we should act in order to conquer evil and destroy death.

Human beings, do you want to free yourselves from the evil oppressing you?
Act as Jesus did.

Human beings, do you want to destroy death, which is ever clutching at you?
Die of love, as Jesus did.

To overcome the evil seeking to master us, to transform our death into an act of love, is to achieve that conquest necessary for entering the kingdom, I mean the kingdom of peace and freedom, the kingdom of justice and love.

No one can discharge this task for us.

It's true, Jesus has saved us, but he's left the hard work of saving ourselves to us.'

I really appreciate what Carretto said about conquering evil and destroying death. It's so uplifting to know that we can do just that thanks to Jesus Christ. It's difficult - there's no doubt about that. There will be a lot of battles, but it's kind of like we already know that no matter what happens we will win the war.


'Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession...'
[1 Timothy 6:12]

Ch. 146 - Like Water on a Duck

'When peace like a river, attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul.'

Horatio Spafford's It Is Well with My Soul is my favorite hymn. It provides a lot of comfort and, in a sense, gives me strength when I've fallen and am not doing too well. The past couple of weeks haven't been so great, but I've tried not to let that show. I had had a lot of anxious thoughts running through my mind and was really worrying about a few things. I'm not an anxious person by nature. Or a worrywart. I don't get nervous. I don't get stressed. But sometimes 'stuff' just starts to pile up on your shoulders and the weight can bend you over, transforming you into something or someone you're not. And that's not a good thing. Thankfully, by just realizing that you can give it all to God, you can straighten up and let it roll off your shoulders. So that's exactly what I did. And it is well with my soul.


'And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.'
[Philippians 4:7]

Ch. 44 - Don't Give Up

Today was magnificent. I attribute it to running and working out at four in the morning - as has been the pattern for the pasts two weeks, but for some reason it was really super today - a really fun swing class, the warm weather, hanging out with the ever-lovely Kastin Frostl, receiving the box my parents sent me, and finally feeling close to God again. I simply felt happy all day. For the past few weeks I had felt like I had tripped and fallen, not able to pick myself back up. But today I did just that.

God reveals Himself to me at the most unexpected of times.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I had just sat down to read for a bit and let my Bible fall open; this psalm was the first entire psalm of the pages it fell to:


'The heavens declare the Glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his
hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display
knowledge.
There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.

In the heavens he has pitched a tent for
the sun,
which is like a bridegroom coming
forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his
course.
It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.

The law of the Lord is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the Lord are
trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
The precepts of the Lord are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.
The fear of the Lord is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the Lord are sure
and altogether righteous.
They are much more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the comb.
By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great
reward.

Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
Keep our servant also from willful
sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.

May the words of my mouth and the
meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.'
[Psalm 19]

Perfect.