I'm on such a roller coaster right now. Things are actually going quite well for me at this point in time, for the most part. But when something gets me down, I fall to the ground pretty hard. It can be intense. The thing is, I've recently started praying for brokenness. And God is responding... quickly, and with what seems like no mercy! But I'm glad, because it's something I really need and want - it's simply been difficult to adjust to.
I'm constantly being reminded of how many ways God works and responds. God is God. He is Greater than we can imagine. And yet while I attempt to listen to His voice and I ask for His guidance, I still make a lot of choices on my own accord. For example, even though I had started to look into transferring to Bible college before anything of consequence occurred, my final decision to come to Central was based on guilt. Awful, but true. And it was prayed about initially, but it came down to a quick response. Fortunately for me, God has worked things out in my favor and I believe that regardless of reason for coming to Central, it's where God wants me.
It's interesting, though, to see how my expectations were not met this past year. I've thought about it often and reflected on the months and to this day I am completely unsure about what I did or did not do that affected me in such a way that my relationship with God greatly suffered. Before school ended, I was nowhere near where I wanted to be with God. And while I have started to climb out of the hole I dug myself into, I don't want to start going through the motions again as I draw nearer to God. I don't want to be 'cozy' in my faith. I've come to realize that I often need to go through an extreme before I change or take action. And so I figure that I really need to be broken by God in order to be able to get all the way out of the hole and start down a new path. As I've said before, get back to basics. Make my faith my own once again. And really just be in constant communion with God, learning to completely rely on Him.
Hm. I say so often that I'm going to do that, but I don't. I know I never truly have. But finally... I am.
After all these years, I'm starting to greatly appreciate what He has done for me. A couple days ago someone told me something along the lines of that I seem to be in sync with God's heart. While I appreciated that, I silently disagreed, even though that's something I desire. But I'm unworthy. I'm a sinner. I'm a hypocrite. I don't deserve any of what I have in God and His Son.
Love.
Grace.
Freedom.
[And so on and so forth, a thousand times over.]
Yet God has chosen me and blessed me.
I'll never understand.
But I'm so thankful for the way God is breaking me and molding me and bringing me to my knees day after day. I am drawing so near to God. I feel that I am closer to Him than I've been in... a good year and a half or so. Four weeks. Oh, how far I've come... The only thing is, I think this is occurring partly because I am purposely distancing myself from other people.
Now, most of this has come from a conversation I had with a peer last night. And she brought up a good point. Doing what I am can be dangerous because the only way you can get to know God is through Christ and His Body. I agree. But I've decided that for now, I truly need this separation. It's done a world of good for me. However, I realize that I will need to restructure a balance of alone time with God, fellowship with others, etc. in the near future. God's Church is truly important and we're meant to act upon the knowledge that we can and should be there for one another - whether we need or want help, encouragement, fellowship... it's great to know that after God, we have brothers and sisters we can turn to.
I feel that God is really opening my eyes to a lot of things - both good and bad - and I'm incredibly grateful for this. God is always good and always near, even though we put up blinders and see only what we want to see, or push God away.
Praise God.
Without ceasing.
Accept His blessings.
Even when you feel worthless and sinful and stupid and hated and unloved.
Reach out to God, because He is constantly reaching out to you.
' "O Sovereign Lord, you have begun to show to your servant your greatness and your strong hand. For what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do the deeds and mighty works you do?" '
[Deuteronomy 3:24]
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