Ch. 362 - Moving Forward

Alright. Here’s the update chapter I’ve been promising for awhile now…
Like I said in my last post, things are looking up. I’m feeling God’s joy again. I’m at peace with myself again. I honestly haven’t felt like this since a couple days before winter break.

So here are two thoughts [and all the goodies that go with those thoughts] that have been going through my mind the past few months. They have been the most prevalent in my mind and thus are what I will elaborate on.

I) Wow… I don’t know what the heck I want to do, after all. I originally wanted to transfer from Utah to [any] Bible college to learn more about God and the Bible. Decided I’d major in Youth Ministry. Well, that changed to Cross-Cultural Ministry before it was all said and done. I simply wanted to tell people around the world about Jesus. I wanted people to be saved. So I get to Central, right? And things are really great. I enjoy the classes, my coursework is interesting. Meet some pretty cool people. Really start to learn more about what my years at Central would look like. See the focus on East Asia, however, for missions. Huge turn-off. I kept thinking, ‘Psh. I don’t want to go to China. I have no interest whatsoever. I want to go to the Middle East, and that’s that.’ Over the past few weeks some light has been shone on the whole issue, and although my thoughts are technically the same, I have a more positive view of the missions department. But missions in general… do I really need a Cross-Cultural Ministry degree to do missions? No. So I start thinking about going back to Youth… I’d focus on Children’s Ministry. Yeah, sounds great. Okay, I really don’t want to work in a church and don’t know what else I’d do. Counseling is a simply out of the question. Biblical Research? Eeeyeah… about that… Preaching – yeah, well, not at this school… Anyway! My thoughts turn to education. I’ve always liked the idea of being a teacher; I’ve thought being a kindergarten or first-grade teacher would be really great. Exhausting. Challenging. Hectic. But great. And with education, I think I’d have a better chance of not boxing myself in. I could do missions overseas through education, which I think would be way neat. Or even teach here in the states, and then do missions in the summer. So that’s what I’m going to do.

II) Sooo I’m not really sure where You are, God. Yes, that’s right. Here at Bible college, I have felt so far from God these past few months that it’s basically ridiculous. I have no one to blame but myself. I wasn’t proactive whatsoever in extending my relationship with Him to new levels. I was very focused on schoolwork – which, in my opinion, is really a great thing… and I ended up doing incredibly well last semester. Yet that’s all that I focused on. Sure, I’d read my Bible for my own benefit [and not for class] now and then. But not enough. And I know I’ve mentioned that before. Now it seems that I’m simply realizing the absolute importance of doing so. I have to stay in God’s word. It is truth, knowledge, and a weapon. I will need it as all these things. If I want to be able to relate it to others in an effective manner, I can’t just know the gist of it. I need to know it through and through, especially for apologetics and in speaking with people who are of different faiths. I mean, the Bible is God’s word. Why wouldn’t I want to immerse myself in it? Beats me… Fortunately, I’ve really started to crack down and train myself to put more time aside for God. I need structure, but I’m the only one that’s going to be able to accomplish that. I don’t have an authoritative figure breathing down my neck saying, “Alright Natalie, time to read the Bible! Time to talk to God! Time to pray for people, time to reflect, time to meditate, time to sing praise!” I have to be disciplined. And I also have to strengthen the spiritual disciplines that are important to growth. No one said it would be easy. I think there are definitely growing pains in faith. But that’s good, because it means that you are, indeed, growing and maturing. I’m right there, I feel. I’m close. A friend once described it as having a strong desire… but a weak will. I think this describes my current situation pretty well. But I truly am working on strengthening my will.

I have a lot to work on in my life. I also have a bit of planning to do [in regards to my course of study]. I’m simply glad, however, that I am definitely just… well… feeling good again. It truly seemed like an overnight-type deal. I woke up a few days ago and I thought to myself, ‘Hm… something’s different. I don’t know what. But I like it!’

To be honest, I believe that I am learning more than I think I am here at school.
And I couldn’t be happier about that if I tried.

My life is for God.
That’s what matters.

So in all reality, I needn’t worry about ‘what the heck I want to do’ or “finding” God.
It’s not like He doesn’t have a plan for me...
It's not like He’s hiding from me...

' "I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me – the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." '
[Acts 20:24]