Ch. 320 - Getting it Right

I think I've got a case of the mid-winter blues, if you know what I mean. When this happens, I pick up on every little, negative thing - and attach to it. I nurture it. Develop it. And soon it becomes part of me.

It's not good.
Or fun.

But I do it anyway - yet not consciously. I do this to the point where I am tense, nervous, irritable, and simply upset. Emotional, really. There are things that I may be unhappy about and that unhappiness intensifies until I am an absolute mess... even though I do not realize it until after that beautiful release.

And that was what happened tonight. A few things had been irking me (and technically still are), and because of some negativity I had picked up on the past couple days, it all became worse in my eyes. I wanted to call my mom and simply say, "I love you." So I did. Then she started talking about her new job and I, disrespectfully, only half-listened as I doodled on a sheet of paper the same word over and over and over. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. That's what I was. Am. One thing led to another, however, and I was able to get a few words in on what I was feeling. Then it happened. The floodgates opened and tear after tear rolled down my face. My mom and I talked a bit more. Advice. Encouragement. "I love you." But I was left unfilled. I was not satisfied and I continued to silently weep in the corner I had crawled into in Pelfrey Hall's lobby. I needed to talk to someone else. Anyone. I needed a friend's perspective. Help. And I wanted a hug.

I contacted someone who always responds.
No reply.

I tried someone else.
No reply.

And another.
No reply.

And yet another.
No reply.

"Last one," I thought.
No reply.

Each of these people are always there for me.
They are good friends. Great people.

No reply.

I started to get upset. All I wanted was five - no, two! - minutes of someone's time. Was that too much to ask for? Why was nobody answering?

It took about an hour sitting silently in my self-pity for the reason to appear in my mind.

......

Jesus.
[Bet you didn't see that one coming.]

Typical. All I had to do was turn my heart and mind to God. So I did.
You're not going to believe this, but I felt so much better after I talked to Him.

He wanted me to call on Him.
He is always there.
He wants me to rely and trust in Him.
He has all the answers.
He has my life in His hands.

I am a fool.


'"Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever; wisdom and power are his. He changes times and seasons; he sets up kings and deposes them. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him." '
[Daniel 2:20-22]