Ch. 14 - Uh-oh? Maybe not.

Houston, we have a problem.

Here's a general idea of what has been going through my mind over and over the past few days: 'What if this isn't really what God wants, but what I want?'

I don't know how or when this thought came to be, and I don't really care... but I'll tell you one thing: I don't like it. I mean, if it is truly God saying, "Hey - listen up. I want you here, doing this," then I'm basically not showing any faith and it becomes an issue of trusting God. But if it is me, then I'm basically saying that God is telling me to do something when He's really not, which is definitely not a good thing (trust me, I would know) and it becomes an issue of discernment.

I have no peace whatsoever about the entire situation. I'm at the point where I simply don't know what to do. I can't turn to my parents, they've made their point loud and clear in that I'm the only one who will make this decision. I completely understand and really appreciate their saying that, actually, but I wish I had a little non-Divine help on this one. Yet nobody can direct me but God. I've been praying for a lot of guidance lately (although when do I not?), and affirmation in my doing the right thing. The only thing is, I haven't received any answers from God. Could it be that I'm praying for the wrong thing?

I think it's important to let you know that I am a huge advocate of prayer. I spend a lot of time in prayer and intercession. If I'm not talking with people or doing something that requires a lot of focus, I'm usually praying. You hear it often - 'God answers prayers.' I believe this entirely. I'll let you in on something: God answers my prayers every day (I love my life). It's truly an amazing experience when you realize that God has just answered a prayer. It's one of those things, too - I know it's not me just wanting to think something is an affirmation or answer, but that it's truly from God. I write down each of these 'experiences' and sometimes when I feel that God isn't listening (even though I know He always is) or I feel distant from God I'll open that notebook and read what I've written. They give me hope, in a sense.

Now, I don't know if God answers my prayers as often as He does because I have a beautiful prayer life with Him, or if it's a bonus, if you will, of intercession. But it gets to me when I ask for one thing above all else right now, and don't receive the tiniest hint of... anything. Sure, I pray about other things along with guidance and affirmation, and I've received answers in regards to those other things, but they don't matter to me as much as what I've been asking for continuously the past few weeks.

......

Ch. 14, Part Two:

Today I prayed for a reason as to why God isn't throwing me a bone here.

I think I understand.

I'm putting myself in front of others. That's it. It's so obvious to me now! Here I am, wanting to make a difference in the lives of people through and for God and do great things for others, but all I'm doing is focusing on me, me, me. That will get me nowhere.

I've been doing a study on the gospel of Mark recently and at one point in chapter nine the disciples argue among themselves about which of them is the greatest disciple. Mark says Jesus knew they had been arguing, but He asked them what it had been about. Yet they were silent because they were ashamed of what they had been arguing about. Of course, Jesus already knew...


' "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all." '
[Mark 9:35]

I want to be the very last. By being the very last, I think, I will draw all the closer to God. And that's been my greatest prayer of all since... I don't know when.