About a week ago I had a five-hour phone conversation with a friend. I hadn't had one of those in a very long time. I mean, I've probably only had a handful of [phone] conversations that lasted that amount of time in my life. I've talked longer than that with people in person, for sure. Either way, I love those conversations. You know. The conversations that feel like they could last forever. The conversations where seemingly no topic is left untouched... and each topic is then related by one person, then the other, to God or faith or 'life'. The conversations where everything just fits. The conversations where you sometimes don't know what the heck you're saying, but suddenly it's out in the open and the other person plays right off of it and you just go back and forth. The conversations that have a fair amount of silence - and the silence is never awkward. It works.
This conversation with that friend entailed all this and more. It was an answer to prayer, honestly, and it was a great conversation. Beautiful. Brilliant. Witty. Deep. It was a learning conversation. We learned about one another. I learned about myself, even.
Certain things became more apparent to me as I talked my way through answering a question or explaining my side to a certain issue. I also picked up on habits I have while talking to people. For one thing, when I talk I like to use my hands. I don't always do this, but I do like to do so. And when other people talk with their hands, I always pick up on it and do the same. When I'm talking on the phone, I doodle. But I didn't realize how much and how monotonously until I tore more than one hole in my paper. I can't help it, I just always have to be doing something with my hands - even when I'm not talking. I have to tap my fingers, or play air-saxophone scales, or push back my cuticles, or twist my hair into knots. My hands are simply restless, I suppose.
Something else I learned is that I like to play devil's advocate. I honestly never realized that until this conversation. But it's true. I think I picked that up from my friend Matt in Utah. Maybe Spencer, too. Anyway, it's fun. I like to look at things from more than one side. I mean, I am basically wanting to live my life for Jesus Christ and wanting to go into a certain field because I have lived on both sides of a spectrum. That's one way I learn really well. I look at both sides, take into consideration the pros and cons of each and analyze the entire situation and its context. I think you have to be thoroughly learned on both sides of a topic in order to be fully knowledgeable of it. You can't be a Christian apologist, for example, without knowing about other religions. You can know Christianity inside and out, but you need to be well-informed of the faiths you are defending Christianity unto.
I brought up apologetics because it is something I am very much interested in. You could say that it is actually a passion of mine. I am constantly striving to equip myself with knowledge that is necessary to defend Christianity through gentle reverence and in a way that is Scripturally-sound. I have come to know myself pretty well over the years and while I am learning more daily, I fully understand that I am a very passionate person. Once I set my mind and heart on something, look out. I pour everything I have into whatever that something may be. I get so excited about it that I can barely stand it. When I talk to people about something I am passionate about, it takes everything I have to think straight and form coherent sentences. I often find myself breathless when I'm talking to others about my passions. I literally have to remind myself to breathe. I get shivers up and down my spine and my heart sets to pounding so hard that sometimes I think it may just jump straight out of my chest into the hands of the person I'm talking to. I say this in a literal and metaphorical sense. I feel that once someone knows a bit about my passions, they know a bit about my heart. And once someone knows my passions inside and out, they will also know of my dreams and aspirations and desires and ideals, because for me all of these things are connected and all of these things come from my heart and are based on love. I can have all of these things because of God's love for me in His creating me - just as I can love because He loved me first.
I am so thankful that God created me the way He did. I will never stop learning about what He has put in my heart and mind and soul and I am glad for this. No one knows me better than He - not even myself - and that gives me great comfort. It's humbling and is a constant reminder of God's love for all of us. And that is yet another thing that leaves me breathless.
'The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.'
[1 Timothy 1:14]
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