I can't keep missing people and experiences. I mean, it's alright to do so, I suppose. But when it's getting in the way of my walk with Christ, it's definitely not alright. Things simply aren't the same here as they were in Salt Lake, so I can't expect to grow in the ways I did when I was at the University of Utah. I just can't.
It's just that I miss talking.
Not talking to people.
Talking with people.
Having those true, deep talks.
Meaningful conversation.
I haven't done so since I've been here.
And to be honest, I haven't even talked with God all that much. I may have talked at Him, sure, but I haven't truly listened to Him. I don't give Him as much time as I should. As a result, I haven't felt very close to Him for the past few weeks... yes, even here at Bible college. Oh, sure, I've felt His presence. But that's different from feeling close to Him, in my opinion.
I was talking with my friend Anthony tonight about the whole issue. He reminded me that I need to fully rely on God. Lean on Him. I can turn to friends and family and whatever all I want, but nobody and nothing matters more than God. Just this past week a professor spoke in chapel about surrendering to God and how you need to consider everything but God as garbage. I know in the past I wrote about how Luke 14:26 says that your love for your parents and your life should look like hate in comparison to your love for God (see Ch. 84). This is just a reiteration of what I said then. I'm also going to go 'back to basics' with Isaiah 40:8, which says ' "The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever." '
I really need to dive into Scripture more. Man. I say that every day, but do I follow through with it? ...... Even if I was more adamant about reading, you can never read enough. As we were talking Anthony told me to read Romans 8. I've probably read Romans a handful of times, but for the life of me, I hadn't the faintest idea of what Romans 8 was about. So I read. Beautiful. It speaks of living life through the Spirit and not letting anything come between you and God. It was exactly what I needed. We spoke about how the enemy will do anything to get you away from God. Just now he told me, "Remember that doubt comes from the enemy, not yourself; don't let him deceive you." That really hit home for me, because right now I am full of doubt. It's a terrible feeling. 'Why am I here? What does He want? What am I supposed to do? Am I here because He truly wants me here, or is it just another step towards where I'm supposed to be? Maybe I haven't given everything over to God like I thought I had. So what now?'
We can think about what God's will for us is all we want. We can mull it over for hours on end and get basically nowhere. That's why we have to take life one day at a time. I know from experience that having a plan of your own doesn't work. You can have a general idea of how you want life to go, I think, but as soon as you have your life planned out to your dying day... that's when God will turn your life upside down. That's why we have to rely on God and trust in Him for everything. Anthony let me in on the fact that God told him that His true will for us is to spend time with Him and become close to Him - and when we do so, He will reveal His plan for us.
But first you need to lean on God for everything. That's where it all begins. If you aren't leaning on Him, you aren't going to be close enough to hear what He's saying. So how will you know where to go and what to do?
'You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you.'
[Romans 8:9]
'Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?'
[Romans 8:35]
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