I'm home.
My heart is here. It's with the people I've met and have become friends with. It's with Cru. It's with The Mount. It's with my small groups and leaders. I've put in quite a bit of time, effort, and love into all I've done. I'm establishing connections and have already started to grow roots here and there.
I'm staying.
Until God entirely tells me differently, Salt Lake City will have to put up with me.
I need to mature a bit before I go off on another adventure. I can't just pick up my things, move back halfway across the country, and start a new life all over again.
I want to grow in my faith more before I see whether a 'religious vocation' is what God wants of me. It's what I want, yes. But God? That's quite iffy, I've decided. Even if it is, I'd rather go into it all more prepared than I would be if I were to start next year.
I praise God for teaching me patience and decisiveness.
'Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.'
[Romans 12:12]
January 31, 2008
January 30, 2008
Ch. 14 - Uh-oh? Maybe not.
Houston, we have a problem.
Here's a general idea of what has been going through my mind over and over the past few days: 'What if this isn't really what God wants, but what I want?'
I don't know how or when this thought came to be, and I don't really care... but I'll tell you one thing: I don't like it. I mean, if it is truly God saying, "Hey - listen up. I want you here, doing this," then I'm basically not showing any faith and it becomes an issue of trusting God. But if it is me, then I'm basically saying that God is telling me to do something when He's really not, which is definitely not a good thing (trust me, I would know) and it becomes an issue of discernment.
I have no peace whatsoever about the entire situation. I'm at the point where I simply don't know what to do. I can't turn to my parents, they've made their point loud and clear in that I'm the only one who will make this decision. I completely understand and really appreciate their saying that, actually, but I wish I had a little non-Divine help on this one. Yet nobody can direct me but God. I've been praying for a lot of guidance lately (although when do I not?), and affirmation in my doing the right thing. The only thing is, I haven't received any answers from God. Could it be that I'm praying for the wrong thing?
I think it's important to let you know that I am a huge advocate of prayer. I spend a lot of time in prayer and intercession. If I'm not talking with people or doing something that requires a lot of focus, I'm usually praying. You hear it often - 'God answers prayers.' I believe this entirely. I'll let you in on something: God answers my prayers every day (I love my life). It's truly an amazing experience when you realize that God has just answered a prayer. It's one of those things, too - I know it's not me just wanting to think something is an affirmation or answer, but that it's truly from God. I write down each of these 'experiences' and sometimes when I feel that God isn't listening (even though I know He always is) or I feel distant from God I'll open that notebook and read what I've written. They give me hope, in a sense.
Now, I don't know if God answers my prayers as often as He does because I have a beautiful prayer life with Him, or if it's a bonus, if you will, of intercession. But it gets to me when I ask for one thing above all else right now, and don't receive the tiniest hint of... anything. Sure, I pray about other things along with guidance and affirmation, and I've received answers in regards to those other things, but they don't matter to me as much as what I've been asking for continuously the past few weeks.
......
Ch. 14, Part Two:
Today I prayed for a reason as to why God isn't throwing me a bone here.
I think I understand.
I'm putting myself in front of others. That's it. It's so obvious to me now! Here I am, wanting to make a difference in the lives of people through and for God and do great things for others, but all I'm doing is focusing on me, me, me. That will get me nowhere.
I've been doing a study on the gospel of Mark recently and at one point in chapter nine the disciples argue among themselves about which of them is the greatest disciple. Mark says Jesus knew they had been arguing, but He asked them what it had been about. Yet they were silent because they were ashamed of what they had been arguing about. Of course, Jesus already knew...
' "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all." '
[Mark 9:35]
I want to be the very last. By being the very last, I think, I will draw all the closer to God. And that's been my greatest prayer of all since... I don't know when.
Here's a general idea of what has been going through my mind over and over the past few days: 'What if this isn't really what God wants, but what I want?'
I don't know how or when this thought came to be, and I don't really care... but I'll tell you one thing: I don't like it. I mean, if it is truly God saying, "Hey - listen up. I want you here, doing this," then I'm basically not showing any faith and it becomes an issue of trusting God. But if it is me, then I'm basically saying that God is telling me to do something when He's really not, which is definitely not a good thing (trust me, I would know) and it becomes an issue of discernment.
I have no peace whatsoever about the entire situation. I'm at the point where I simply don't know what to do. I can't turn to my parents, they've made their point loud and clear in that I'm the only one who will make this decision. I completely understand and really appreciate their saying that, actually, but I wish I had a little non-Divine help on this one. Yet nobody can direct me but God. I've been praying for a lot of guidance lately (although when do I not?), and affirmation in my doing the right thing. The only thing is, I haven't received any answers from God. Could it be that I'm praying for the wrong thing?
I think it's important to let you know that I am a huge advocate of prayer. I spend a lot of time in prayer and intercession. If I'm not talking with people or doing something that requires a lot of focus, I'm usually praying. You hear it often - 'God answers prayers.' I believe this entirely. I'll let you in on something: God answers my prayers every day (I love my life). It's truly an amazing experience when you realize that God has just answered a prayer. It's one of those things, too - I know it's not me just wanting to think something is an affirmation or answer, but that it's truly from God. I write down each of these 'experiences' and sometimes when I feel that God isn't listening (even though I know He always is) or I feel distant from God I'll open that notebook and read what I've written. They give me hope, in a sense.
Now, I don't know if God answers my prayers as often as He does because I have a beautiful prayer life with Him, or if it's a bonus, if you will, of intercession. But it gets to me when I ask for one thing above all else right now, and don't receive the tiniest hint of... anything. Sure, I pray about other things along with guidance and affirmation, and I've received answers in regards to those other things, but they don't matter to me as much as what I've been asking for continuously the past few weeks.
......
Ch. 14, Part Two:
Today I prayed for a reason as to why God isn't throwing me a bone here.
I think I understand.
I'm putting myself in front of others. That's it. It's so obvious to me now! Here I am, wanting to make a difference in the lives of people through and for God and do great things for others, but all I'm doing is focusing on me, me, me. That will get me nowhere.
I've been doing a study on the gospel of Mark recently and at one point in chapter nine the disciples argue among themselves about which of them is the greatest disciple. Mark says Jesus knew they had been arguing, but He asked them what it had been about. Yet they were silent because they were ashamed of what they had been arguing about. Of course, Jesus already knew...
' "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all." '
[Mark 9:35]
I want to be the very last. By being the very last, I think, I will draw all the closer to God. And that's been my greatest prayer of all since... I don't know when.
January 29, 2008
Ch. 13 - Removing Darkness
'After night
Comes a light
Dawn is here, dawn is here
It's a new day, a new day
Oh, everything will change
Things will never be the same
We will never be the same'
[The Glory of It All]
After night comes a light. Everything will change. We will never be the same.
Jesus is often referred to as a Light. What is the purpose of light? To remove darkness. Where light exists, darkness cannot. Because of what Jesus did for us, we are changed forever.
In Paul's letter to Ephesus, he speaks of how their [the Ephesians'] works were done in the ruler of the kingdom of the air - Satan. They were sinners and dead in their transgressions, but were made alive in Christ. Paul goes on to remind them that they are saved by grace and through faith alone - not works. Yet they were made in God's workmanship to do good works - that were prepared for them by God in advance.
John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, said that by humbly letting others see your good works, they may be moved to love and serve God likewise.
To do good works. To be a light unto the world. That is what we are called to do.
Fact:
Believers are outnumbered by non-believers at least five-to-one.
Fact:
In total darkness, the flicker of a match can be seen twenty miles away.
We may be a minority, we may seem small and insignificant, yet we can and should have a powerful influence on our world. This is so, of course, only because of God's grace and strength at work within us - for on our own we are nothing and can do nothing [Philippians 4:13].
There is so much darkness in the world. Be a light. Change things. Remove that darkness.
' "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." '
[Matthew 5:14-16]
Comes a light
Dawn is here, dawn is here
It's a new day, a new day
Oh, everything will change
Things will never be the same
We will never be the same'
[The Glory of It All]
After night comes a light. Everything will change. We will never be the same.
Jesus is often referred to as a Light. What is the purpose of light? To remove darkness. Where light exists, darkness cannot. Because of what Jesus did for us, we are changed forever.
In Paul's letter to Ephesus, he speaks of how their [the Ephesians'] works were done in the ruler of the kingdom of the air - Satan. They were sinners and dead in their transgressions, but were made alive in Christ. Paul goes on to remind them that they are saved by grace and through faith alone - not works. Yet they were made in God's workmanship to do good works - that were prepared for them by God in advance.
John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, said that by humbly letting others see your good works, they may be moved to love and serve God likewise.
To do good works. To be a light unto the world. That is what we are called to do.
Fact:
Believers are outnumbered by non-believers at least five-to-one.
Fact:
In total darkness, the flicker of a match can be seen twenty miles away.
We may be a minority, we may seem small and insignificant, yet we can and should have a powerful influence on our world. This is so, of course, only because of God's grace and strength at work within us - for on our own we are nothing and can do nothing [Philippians 4:13].
There is so much darkness in the world. Be a light. Change things. Remove that darkness.
' "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." '
[Matthew 5:14-16]
January 28, 2008
Ch. 12 - The Surrender
'Please take from me my life
when I don't have the strength
to give it away to you, Jesus'
[Take My Life]
Well first of all, let's go back to the first two lines of the song:
'How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the sand on the shore'
I think those lines have me summed up pretty dang well. I don't know how many times I've fallen away from God - and even if I did, I think I'd try quite hard to forget the number. The sad part is, I know it will continue to happen in the future!
'But why would God let that happen continuously? And why don't you try and prevent it from happening, if you say that you know it will?'
You know, those are mighty fine questions. The thing is, I think God lets it happen intentionally. In the end, He will bring us back to Him. It's all for His glory. We learn from our mistakes each time and realize that not only were we wrong in our ways, but that we need Him in our lives.
That's what I've finally realized. I am nothing without Him. He is everything, and in Him all things are possible.
I'm handing the reins over to God.
Returning to the three-line chorus... I have decided to fully let Him take my life. After The Mount last night I finally surrendered to Jesus. It was beautiful. A calm peace like I've never felt before swept over me. I decided I want to be like Paul. He had discovered that strength was found in weaknesses. Instead of trying to carry his cross up a hill, he decided it was best to turn it over to God. When Paul's strength was insufficient, he turned to God. In doing so, Paul walked humbly through life's ups and downs with a perspective that kept his eyes focused on Jesus. He had surrendered to the Lord.
'That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.'
[2 Corinthians 12:10]
when I don't have the strength
to give it away to you, Jesus'
[Take My Life]
Well first of all, let's go back to the first two lines of the song:
'How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the sand on the shore'
I think those lines have me summed up pretty dang well. I don't know how many times I've fallen away from God - and even if I did, I think I'd try quite hard to forget the number. The sad part is, I know it will continue to happen in the future!
'But why would God let that happen continuously? And why don't you try and prevent it from happening, if you say that you know it will?'
You know, those are mighty fine questions. The thing is, I think God lets it happen intentionally. In the end, He will bring us back to Him. It's all for His glory. We learn from our mistakes each time and realize that not only were we wrong in our ways, but that we need Him in our lives.
That's what I've finally realized. I am nothing without Him. He is everything, and in Him all things are possible.
I'm handing the reins over to God.
Returning to the three-line chorus... I have decided to fully let Him take my life. After The Mount last night I finally surrendered to Jesus. It was beautiful. A calm peace like I've never felt before swept over me. I decided I want to be like Paul. He had discovered that strength was found in weaknesses. Instead of trying to carry his cross up a hill, he decided it was best to turn it over to God. When Paul's strength was insufficient, he turned to God. In doing so, Paul walked humbly through life's ups and downs with a perspective that kept his eyes focused on Jesus. He had surrendered to the Lord.
'That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.'
[2 Corinthians 12:10]
January 27, 2008
Ch. 11 - Forgiven
The next few chapters will be based on music. Specific lyrics, actually, that have really spoken to me over the past couple of days.
'Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain.
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus, and live!'
[Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus)]
In believing Christ is our Savior, we are given the most wonderful gifts in the world - eternal salvation and the forgiveness of our sins.
Nothing can top that. God has you beat in every way, hands down. Yeah, that cashmere sweater and set of pearls that you just spent $700 on for your wife's birthday isn't looking too hot anymore, is it?
Usually I save a Bible verse for the end of the post, but I want to put it in now.
'... they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.'
[Revelation 7:14]
This is one of my favorite verses in the book of Revelation. Every time I read it I stop and reflect upon it. I mean, you'd think that if you dipped something in blood, it'd stain and turn that horrid reddish-brown color. But no, not in the blood of the Lamb. His blood made the robes of those who came out of great tribulation white. Not just any shade of white, either - but a dazzling, blinding white. And because they washed their robes in His blood, they get to eternally serve God. They are never hungry. They are never thirsty. The sun does not burn them. The Lamb is their shepherd, leading them to living water. And God takes away all their sadness [based on Revelation 7:15-17].
I have turned to God and laid everything at the foot of the cross... my pride... my insufficiencies... I am no longer bound to, well, anything. I am strong in Him, because He has shown me love, grace and mercy - among other things. I have done a lot of wrong in my life, I mean a lot - and I'm only 18. Yet it's alright, because I know I'm forgiven. That's how I am able to live each day the way I do - to the fullest, with no regrets. I sing to Jesus, and live.
'Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain.
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus, and live!'
[Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus)]
In believing Christ is our Savior, we are given the most wonderful gifts in the world - eternal salvation and the forgiveness of our sins.
Nothing can top that. God has you beat in every way, hands down. Yeah, that cashmere sweater and set of pearls that you just spent $700 on for your wife's birthday isn't looking too hot anymore, is it?
Usually I save a Bible verse for the end of the post, but I want to put it in now.
'... they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.'
[Revelation 7:14]
This is one of my favorite verses in the book of Revelation. Every time I read it I stop and reflect upon it. I mean, you'd think that if you dipped something in blood, it'd stain and turn that horrid reddish-brown color. But no, not in the blood of the Lamb. His blood made the robes of those who came out of great tribulation white. Not just any shade of white, either - but a dazzling, blinding white. And because they washed their robes in His blood, they get to eternally serve God. They are never hungry. They are never thirsty. The sun does not burn them. The Lamb is their shepherd, leading them to living water. And God takes away all their sadness [based on Revelation 7:15-17].
I have turned to God and laid everything at the foot of the cross... my pride... my insufficiencies... I am no longer bound to, well, anything. I am strong in Him, because He has shown me love, grace and mercy - among other things. I have done a lot of wrong in my life, I mean a lot - and I'm only 18. Yet it's alright, because I know I'm forgiven. That's how I am able to live each day the way I do - to the fullest, with no regrets. I sing to Jesus, and live.
January 26, 2008
Ch. 10 - Forever Changed
As I was praying this afternoon, I took time to thank God for my family here in Utah. When I say family, I mean my friends, because they truly are my family here. For example, when I can't reach my mom to ask her a question that came up as I was reading my Bible, I'll call Matt. When I can't reach my dad to simply have a nice, serious conversation, I'll take a trip down the hall to see Shawn. When something is bothering me and I can't reach my sister, I'll talk to Darcy. I really don't talk to my sister often enough, though... Anyway, I'm reminded of my brother when I'm around Kastin - nobody can make me laugh like they can, they are such goofballs.
When I came to Utah, I didn't exactly care about leaving my friends. Honestly, the only people I was sad about saying good-bye to were Tyler, Abbie, Tim, and Amy. I was just so ready to leave everyone behind and start a new chapter in my life. I get to Utah and find myself transitioning to 'college life' pretty well - but I don't make many friends. I was so blessed to have Darcy and Ariel as my suitemates. They were basically my only friends. Anyway, fall break comes and goes, and that is when God reeled me back in. The very first week after break, Darcy and I went to Cru. After that, it was as if we had always been friends with 'the group' - they accepted us completely and I suddenly had the best friends anybody could ever ask for.
I've learned so much from all of them. Each and every person has something amazing to offer and it's one of those things... as cheesy as it may sound... I can't imagine my life without any of them. That's why I'm having such a hard time with Ross being upset with me. I messed up and am reaping the consequences, I know. It just breaks my heart when I extend my love as a sister in Christ and he won't accept it.
Never before have I had such a God-loving group of friends. As Shawn likes to say, they are all Hot-God-Men and Women. I would do anything for them... anytime, anywhere. I don't think I've ever felt like that before, other than with my 'real' family.
This is what makes the decision of transferring difficult. Friends. My family. I have no doubt that I'll be able to keep in touch with them over the years. They've all had such an influence on my life the past few months. It is partly because of them that I have grown so close to God lately and as I have, God has taught me so much and wrapped His arms around me so tightly.
But you know, I was thinking the other day... I would love to spend summers here. I definitely would like to come back to Salt Lake to work and live, raise a family - if it's God's will, that is. Granted, all my friends may not still be here, but that's ok. I really think I belong here. It's simply unfortunate that there aren't any programs for ministry and such at any schools in the area. Shawn and I decided there's such a ministry in working with kids, especially because of the dominant LDS presence. I was looking at the website of a Methodist church here in Salt Lake just yesterday, and they have no youth program whatsoever. I would love nothing more than to start one for them and help kids advance in their walks with Christ and develop deep, meaningful relationships with God. It makes my heart pound just thinking about it.
God brought me here and put these people in my life for a reason. I have no trouble believing that He'll bring me back. After all, there's an unsolved mystery here that I want to get to the bottom of. I've come to accept that maybe it's not God's plan for me to solve it before I leave, as much as I would like to. It could be years before it's solved. That's alright. It keeps things exciting.
God is so good.
'Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed -'
[1 Corinthians 15:51]
When I came to Utah, I didn't exactly care about leaving my friends. Honestly, the only people I was sad about saying good-bye to were Tyler, Abbie, Tim, and Amy. I was just so ready to leave everyone behind and start a new chapter in my life. I get to Utah and find myself transitioning to 'college life' pretty well - but I don't make many friends. I was so blessed to have Darcy and Ariel as my suitemates. They were basically my only friends. Anyway, fall break comes and goes, and that is when God reeled me back in. The very first week after break, Darcy and I went to Cru. After that, it was as if we had always been friends with 'the group' - they accepted us completely and I suddenly had the best friends anybody could ever ask for.
I've learned so much from all of them. Each and every person has something amazing to offer and it's one of those things... as cheesy as it may sound... I can't imagine my life without any of them. That's why I'm having such a hard time with Ross being upset with me. I messed up and am reaping the consequences, I know. It just breaks my heart when I extend my love as a sister in Christ and he won't accept it.
Never before have I had such a God-loving group of friends. As Shawn likes to say, they are all Hot-God-Men and Women. I would do anything for them... anytime, anywhere. I don't think I've ever felt like that before, other than with my 'real' family.
This is what makes the decision of transferring difficult. Friends. My family. I have no doubt that I'll be able to keep in touch with them over the years. They've all had such an influence on my life the past few months. It is partly because of them that I have grown so close to God lately and as I have, God has taught me so much and wrapped His arms around me so tightly.
But you know, I was thinking the other day... I would love to spend summers here. I definitely would like to come back to Salt Lake to work and live, raise a family - if it's God's will, that is. Granted, all my friends may not still be here, but that's ok. I really think I belong here. It's simply unfortunate that there aren't any programs for ministry and such at any schools in the area. Shawn and I decided there's such a ministry in working with kids, especially because of the dominant LDS presence. I was looking at the website of a Methodist church here in Salt Lake just yesterday, and they have no youth program whatsoever. I would love nothing more than to start one for them and help kids advance in their walks with Christ and develop deep, meaningful relationships with God. It makes my heart pound just thinking about it.
God brought me here and put these people in my life for a reason. I have no trouble believing that He'll bring me back. After all, there's an unsolved mystery here that I want to get to the bottom of. I've come to accept that maybe it's not God's plan for me to solve it before I leave, as much as I would like to. It could be years before it's solved. That's alright. It keeps things exciting.
God is so good.
'Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed -'
[1 Corinthians 15:51]
January 25, 2008
Ch. 9 - Silence
God is everywhere. He surrounds us. God is in the silence. Frankly speaking, He is silence. And that is why the sound of what may seem like nothing to you... is the most beautiful sound in the world to me.
Over winter break I wrote a blurb after a run. It had been a lovely morning and God romanced me in a way He never had. Usually when I run I talk to God, but this time I didn't. I just... ran.
Out and under, over and over my legs turn as I glide down the familiar trail. I see each breath in the air, which bites at my nose, cold and sharp. Running through the icy snow, I miss the reassuring crunch of fall’s leaves beneath my feet, and the resounding beat of my footsteps on the rocks during the summer.
I slow to tiptoe through the muck of a bend, the path untouched by snow. Head down, I look for dry spots or rocks to place my anxious feet. The crackling snap of a dry branch behind me brings my head up and I look over my shoulder, only to see a ten-point buck crossing the path, oblivious to my presence. He is a regal creature, strong and proud. Having completely stopped picking my way through the mud, I watch as he nimbly springs up a snow covered hill. He walks out of my sight, but I don’t continue on my way.
A fiery red cardinal flies in undulations in front of my path before settling on a branch of an oak; his feathers are a stark contrast to the dry, brown bark of the tree and the bleak, gray skies above. His clear, bright song echoes throughout the bend, and it’s as if he’s saying, “Here I am, look at me. Am I not beautiful?” He then flies away, but still I do not move on.
Listen.
Can you hear that?
Silence.
Under the canopy of trees I close my eyes, letting the silence wash over me. I thank God for this moment and open my eyes, refreshed, ready to continue forward. No thoughts run through my mind. Out and under, over and over my legs turn once more.
I turn sharply onto a deer trail and ascend an inclination, taking me behind the farm, still in the woods, but soon the trail empties out onto cougar’s hill. As I walk down the hill, so as to not slip on the ice covered snow, I realize how much I’ve missed the park. It’s been a locus of refuge, a gateway to many adventures, and a place of much growth.
A ray of sunshine peeks through the clouds, testing the waters, then disappears behind the blanket of clouds before pushing them aside completely, allowing the sun to emerge. I reach the bottom of the hill and run across the deserted road towards the brick hill and make my way up to the tennis courts, soaking up the newfound warmth of the sun’s rays. It’s slight, but makes all the difference on a cold, January morning. I pick up speed along the winding road as I make my way towards the curve in the road that sits kitty-corner behind my house. I spring through the woods towards our barn, jumping over fallen tree trunks and weaving around prickly bushes that have lost their leaves to winter.
I slow to a walk as I pass the leaning, mossy barn and naked trampoline, trudging my way across our snowy yard. Home again, home again, having reveled in the glory of God’s new day with a clear mind and a prayerful heart.
Silence is considered the absence of sound or noise, right? Yet couldn’t silence itself be a sound? I consider silence my ‘favorite sound’. This is the only reason I question. I explained it to a friend once. My love of it, I mean. I don’t think I could ever explain it as well as I did that night. It was, by no means, eloquent or well thought out (or thought out at all, for that matter). I mean my gosh, I can’t even fully remember what I said… but it came from my heart. I don’t know why I feel so strongly about silence, I truly don’t. As I think about it now, though, I realize I don’t want to try and explain why I love it as much as I do – ever again, honestly. Silence. It’s beautiful. And that’s good enough for me.
'There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: ... a time to be silent and a time to speak...'
[Ecclesiastes 3:1,7]
Over winter break I wrote a blurb after a run. It had been a lovely morning and God romanced me in a way He never had. Usually when I run I talk to God, but this time I didn't. I just... ran.
Out and under, over and over my legs turn as I glide down the familiar trail. I see each breath in the air, which bites at my nose, cold and sharp. Running through the icy snow, I miss the reassuring crunch of fall’s leaves beneath my feet, and the resounding beat of my footsteps on the rocks during the summer.
I slow to tiptoe through the muck of a bend, the path untouched by snow. Head down, I look for dry spots or rocks to place my anxious feet. The crackling snap of a dry branch behind me brings my head up and I look over my shoulder, only to see a ten-point buck crossing the path, oblivious to my presence. He is a regal creature, strong and proud. Having completely stopped picking my way through the mud, I watch as he nimbly springs up a snow covered hill. He walks out of my sight, but I don’t continue on my way.
A fiery red cardinal flies in undulations in front of my path before settling on a branch of an oak; his feathers are a stark contrast to the dry, brown bark of the tree and the bleak, gray skies above. His clear, bright song echoes throughout the bend, and it’s as if he’s saying, “Here I am, look at me. Am I not beautiful?” He then flies away, but still I do not move on.
Listen.
Can you hear that?
Silence.
Under the canopy of trees I close my eyes, letting the silence wash over me. I thank God for this moment and open my eyes, refreshed, ready to continue forward. No thoughts run through my mind. Out and under, over and over my legs turn once more.
I turn sharply onto a deer trail and ascend an inclination, taking me behind the farm, still in the woods, but soon the trail empties out onto cougar’s hill. As I walk down the hill, so as to not slip on the ice covered snow, I realize how much I’ve missed the park. It’s been a locus of refuge, a gateway to many adventures, and a place of much growth.
A ray of sunshine peeks through the clouds, testing the waters, then disappears behind the blanket of clouds before pushing them aside completely, allowing the sun to emerge. I reach the bottom of the hill and run across the deserted road towards the brick hill and make my way up to the tennis courts, soaking up the newfound warmth of the sun’s rays. It’s slight, but makes all the difference on a cold, January morning. I pick up speed along the winding road as I make my way towards the curve in the road that sits kitty-corner behind my house. I spring through the woods towards our barn, jumping over fallen tree trunks and weaving around prickly bushes that have lost their leaves to winter.
I slow to a walk as I pass the leaning, mossy barn and naked trampoline, trudging my way across our snowy yard. Home again, home again, having reveled in the glory of God’s new day with a clear mind and a prayerful heart.
Silence is considered the absence of sound or noise, right? Yet couldn’t silence itself be a sound? I consider silence my ‘favorite sound’. This is the only reason I question. I explained it to a friend once. My love of it, I mean. I don’t think I could ever explain it as well as I did that night. It was, by no means, eloquent or well thought out (or thought out at all, for that matter). I mean my gosh, I can’t even fully remember what I said… but it came from my heart. I don’t know why I feel so strongly about silence, I truly don’t. As I think about it now, though, I realize I don’t want to try and explain why I love it as much as I do – ever again, honestly. Silence. It’s beautiful. And that’s good enough for me.
'There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: ... a time to be silent and a time to speak...'
[Ecclesiastes 3:1,7]
January 24, 2008
Ch. 8 - Father Knows Best
I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm an incredibly anal person. I also believe I have OCD to a very small extent - you know, not where it gets in the way of living life 'normally,' but where you will hear me say 'I'm so OCD!' often enough that it makes you wonder. I like organization. I like to plan.
At one point, I had a plan. I had a plan and nothing was going to stop me from following through with it. I knew exactly how I wanted my life to pan out. I worked on this plan all last summer, and I thought it was brilliant. Just brilliant. Here's what would happen.
I'd move out of Iowa, go to the University of Utah. I would major in Middle Eastern Studies, continuing with the Arabic from high school. The summer after freshman year, I'd most likely study in the Middle East through the State Department Critical Language Scholarship Program. If I wasn't accepted, I'd go on my own to Cairo to CASA, or the Center for Arabic Study Abroad. I'd come back to Utah. The summers after sophomore and junior years, I'd intern for the FSO or CIA through their two-year programs, so that I could establish some connections and start to make a name for myself - and so that they would pay for my last two years of school. After I graduated, I would work for the FSO or CIA, because of loyalty commitments for when they paid for my schooling. After I was no longer required to work for them, I would work for an NGO, making approximately $200,000 a year, right off the bat, to translate for the NGO somewhere in the Middle East; sure, it'd be dangerous, but I'd work for the NGO just long enough to be able to pay off any loans, give some money to my parents as a 'thank you' for all they had done, and have enough in the bank to not have to worry for awhile. I'd then attend the Walsh School of Foreign Service at Georgetown University and go back to the State Department as a Foreign Service Officer, working my way up to be Deputy Chief of Missions in an embassy in the Middle East - preferably in Damascus, Syria. I'd live the good life. I was going to buy my parents a villa in Damascus (yes, there are Damascan villas), buy my brother the best trumpet money can buy, and give my sister and her husband money to go on the biggest shopping spree of their lives. Somewhere in there I'd marry and have one child; if I had a boy, I would then adopt a girl - and if I had a girl, I would then adopt a boy. I'd also sponsor at least three children from a third world country. I'd live in the Middle East for the rest of my life, and my children would be raised to speak both Arabic and English. I would also have a home in a southeastern state in America, because I've missed the South ever since my family moved to Iowa.
That was the plan, and I was going to stick with it until I had checked off every single item on the to-do list.
But God has something else in mind for me... even though I had concocted that plan, I've come to believe it's not His plan for me.
It took a few months here in Utah to happen, but God turned my life upside-down. He wrapped His arms around me and He's not letting go. In a very short amount of time, I experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly - only to have it return to not just the good, but the great. I had weeks on end of those infamous 'God highs'... I experienced absolute confusion and mystery (and still do, but that's another chapter for another day)... and I faced serious problems in regards to spiritual discernment. But in the end, I grew closer to God, matured in my faith, and learned a lot about myself because of the people I've met and the things I've experienced here.
So right now I don't have a real plan. I don't know what's going to happen, because I've given everything over to God and I'm putting my full trust in Him. I do know God has changed my heart. I know He's called me to serve Him. I know I won't be at the University of Utah next year. I know I'll either be on a summer project through Campus Crusade for Christ, or back in Cedar Rapids, Iowa this summer. But that's where it ends. And for the first time since I can remember, I'm ok with not having a plan.
' "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." '
[Jeremiah 29:11-13]
At one point, I had a plan. I had a plan and nothing was going to stop me from following through with it. I knew exactly how I wanted my life to pan out. I worked on this plan all last summer, and I thought it was brilliant. Just brilliant. Here's what would happen.
I'd move out of Iowa, go to the University of Utah. I would major in Middle Eastern Studies, continuing with the Arabic from high school. The summer after freshman year, I'd most likely study in the Middle East through the State Department Critical Language Scholarship Program. If I wasn't accepted, I'd go on my own to Cairo to CASA, or the Center for Arabic Study Abroad. I'd come back to Utah. The summers after sophomore and junior years, I'd intern for the FSO or CIA through their two-year programs, so that I could establish some connections and start to make a name for myself - and so that they would pay for my last two years of school. After I graduated, I would work for the FSO or CIA, because of loyalty commitments for when they paid for my schooling. After I was no longer required to work for them, I would work for an NGO, making approximately $200,000 a year, right off the bat, to translate for the NGO somewhere in the Middle East; sure, it'd be dangerous, but I'd work for the NGO just long enough to be able to pay off any loans, give some money to my parents as a 'thank you' for all they had done, and have enough in the bank to not have to worry for awhile. I'd then attend the Walsh School of Foreign Service at Georgetown University and go back to the State Department as a Foreign Service Officer, working my way up to be Deputy Chief of Missions in an embassy in the Middle East - preferably in Damascus, Syria. I'd live the good life. I was going to buy my parents a villa in Damascus (yes, there are Damascan villas), buy my brother the best trumpet money can buy, and give my sister and her husband money to go on the biggest shopping spree of their lives. Somewhere in there I'd marry and have one child; if I had a boy, I would then adopt a girl - and if I had a girl, I would then adopt a boy. I'd also sponsor at least three children from a third world country. I'd live in the Middle East for the rest of my life, and my children would be raised to speak both Arabic and English. I would also have a home in a southeastern state in America, because I've missed the South ever since my family moved to Iowa.
That was the plan, and I was going to stick with it until I had checked off every single item on the to-do list.
But God has something else in mind for me... even though I had concocted that plan, I've come to believe it's not His plan for me.
It took a few months here in Utah to happen, but God turned my life upside-down. He wrapped His arms around me and He's not letting go. In a very short amount of time, I experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly - only to have it return to not just the good, but the great. I had weeks on end of those infamous 'God highs'... I experienced absolute confusion and mystery (and still do, but that's another chapter for another day)... and I faced serious problems in regards to spiritual discernment. But in the end, I grew closer to God, matured in my faith, and learned a lot about myself because of the people I've met and the things I've experienced here.
So right now I don't have a real plan. I don't know what's going to happen, because I've given everything over to God and I'm putting my full trust in Him. I do know God has changed my heart. I know He's called me to serve Him. I know I won't be at the University of Utah next year. I know I'll either be on a summer project through Campus Crusade for Christ, or back in Cedar Rapids, Iowa this summer. But that's where it ends. And for the first time since I can remember, I'm ok with not having a plan.
' "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." '
[Jeremiah 29:11-13]
January 23, 2008
Ch. 7 - M² + Transfer = Adventure
On a continuation of the last chapter, I'd like to delve a bit deeper into the fact that I will not be attending the University of Utah next year. As aforementioned, I have felt called by God to serve Him. How?
Ministry and Missions.
More specifically, youth ministry and world missions.
I have done much research lately in regards to transferring, looking into schools with youth ministry programs, deep Biblical study programs, Hebrew courses, and mission/evangelism programs. I've narrowed it down to three schools.
Want to know something funny?
They're all in the Midwest.
How ironic is it that after I so greatly wanted to leave that region of the country, God is now leading me back to it?
The schools I'm going to apply to are as follows: Oak Hills Christian College - Bemidji, Minnesota; Moody Bible Institute - Chicago, Illinois; and Central Christian College of the Bible - Moberly, Missouri. Moody is four hours east of Cedar Rapids, Central is four hours south of Cedar Rapids, while Oak Hills is eight and a half hours north of Cedar Rapids. I'm not going to lie, I'd really like to be close to my family. Being so far away from them has been more difficult than I thought it would be. I actually wasn't even thinking about how close the schools are to Cedar Rapids when I was looking into them - but it's certainly a nice factor.
Each school has something different to offer and they all have their pros and cons. I'm continuing to pray that God will guide my steps as I apply to the schools and, depending on acceptance, decide which is the best for me.
(Between you and me, though, I have this 'feeling' about Central... but we'll see.)
'The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.'
[Isaiah 58:11]
Ministry and Missions.
More specifically, youth ministry and world missions.
I have done much research lately in regards to transferring, looking into schools with youth ministry programs, deep Biblical study programs, Hebrew courses, and mission/evangelism programs. I've narrowed it down to three schools.
Want to know something funny?
They're all in the Midwest.
How ironic is it that after I so greatly wanted to leave that region of the country, God is now leading me back to it?
The schools I'm going to apply to are as follows: Oak Hills Christian College - Bemidji, Minnesota; Moody Bible Institute - Chicago, Illinois; and Central Christian College of the Bible - Moberly, Missouri. Moody is four hours east of Cedar Rapids, Central is four hours south of Cedar Rapids, while Oak Hills is eight and a half hours north of Cedar Rapids. I'm not going to lie, I'd really like to be close to my family. Being so far away from them has been more difficult than I thought it would be. I actually wasn't even thinking about how close the schools are to Cedar Rapids when I was looking into them - but it's certainly a nice factor.
Each school has something different to offer and they all have their pros and cons. I'm continuing to pray that God will guide my steps as I apply to the schools and, depending on acceptance, decide which is the best for me.
(Between you and me, though, I have this 'feeling' about Central... but we'll see.)
'The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.'
[Isaiah 58:11]
January 22, 2008
Ch. 6 - The Copycat; 8. 1. 08
Me: "Hey Wes, wanna play tag?"
Wes: 'Hey Wes, wanna play tag?'
"Heyyy... you're copying me!"
'Heyyy... you're copying me!'
"Stop it!"
'Stop it!'
"You stop or I'm telling mom."
"You stop or I'm telling mom.'
"Moooooom!"
As much as I loved my brother, sometimes he could be a pain in the you-know-where. We have a great relationship, though. We're only eighteen months apart, so we're buddies. We have fun. He's not that annoying 'little brother' and I'm not that mean 'older sister' anymore (Hey, it wasn't my fault that whenever he was around me he magically ended up hurt, come on. The kid was jinxed, alright?).
You know, we continue to play little games like copycat with each other, even now, as seventeen and eighteen year olds. Why not? It's all in good fun, and we know better than to go storming off to mom to tattle.
Something has been on my heart recently, and, in its simplest form, it's copycat. We should strive to be Christlike. Sure, we can't do everything He did, and unlike Him nobody will ever be perfect. But we can try our hardest to be like Christ.
Honestly, I don't think I've ever truly cared, much less even thought about being more Christlike.
There. I said it.
But as I'm changing and God is working in me, I realize now how important it is to do so. Going along with the last chapter and devotionals... I received yet another devotional, this time from crosswalk.com, that really touched my heart. I'd like to share it. It's short and sweet. It touches on imitating God, but focuses on love:
'Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. If we are to sincerely flatter God by being like Him, imitation may be the most costly form of flattery as well. You see, love for God is never something that occurs just in our minds or our hearts. Love is something we do for another - it is action. John said in 1 John 4 that we must love in both our deeds and our words. Love means to give ourselves up - what we want, our rights, our desires - to honor God and serve others. This is a kind of love that can change the world, or a marriage, or a family.
Abba, Father, I will never fully understand how you could love me so much that you would allow your son to die for me as my sacrifice. Please help me love others sacrificially. I know the power to do this is not within me, so please pour out your love into my heart so that I may share that love with others. Through Jesus, my brother and my sacrifice, I pray. Amen.'
'Be imitators of God as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.'
[Ephesians 5:1-2]
Wes: 'Hey Wes, wanna play tag?'
"Heyyy... you're copying me!"
'Heyyy... you're copying me!'
"Stop it!"
'Stop it!'
"You stop or I'm telling mom."
"You stop or I'm telling mom.'
"Moooooom!"
As much as I loved my brother, sometimes he could be a pain in the you-know-where. We have a great relationship, though. We're only eighteen months apart, so we're buddies. We have fun. He's not that annoying 'little brother' and I'm not that mean 'older sister' anymore (Hey, it wasn't my fault that whenever he was around me he magically ended up hurt, come on. The kid was jinxed, alright?).
You know, we continue to play little games like copycat with each other, even now, as seventeen and eighteen year olds. Why not? It's all in good fun, and we know better than to go storming off to mom to tattle.
Something has been on my heart recently, and, in its simplest form, it's copycat. We should strive to be Christlike. Sure, we can't do everything He did, and unlike Him nobody will ever be perfect. But we can try our hardest to be like Christ.
Honestly, I don't think I've ever truly cared, much less even thought about being more Christlike.
There. I said it.
But as I'm changing and God is working in me, I realize now how important it is to do so. Going along with the last chapter and devotionals... I received yet another devotional, this time from crosswalk.com, that really touched my heart. I'd like to share it. It's short and sweet. It touches on imitating God, but focuses on love:
'Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. If we are to sincerely flatter God by being like Him, imitation may be the most costly form of flattery as well. You see, love for God is never something that occurs just in our minds or our hearts. Love is something we do for another - it is action. John said in 1 John 4 that we must love in both our deeds and our words. Love means to give ourselves up - what we want, our rights, our desires - to honor God and serve others. This is a kind of love that can change the world, or a marriage, or a family.
Abba, Father, I will never fully understand how you could love me so much that you would allow your son to die for me as my sacrifice. Please help me love others sacrificially. I know the power to do this is not within me, so please pour out your love into my heart so that I may share that love with others. Through Jesus, my brother and my sacrifice, I pray. Amen.'
'Be imitators of God as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.'
[Ephesians 5:1-2]
January 21, 2008
Ch. 5 - The Commitment; 7. 1. 08
Have you ever 'walked on Cloud Nine' before? You know, been sort of... out of it... because you're in a state of pure happiness?
I have.
It's a wondrous experience. The best part is, my walking on Cloud Nine was a product of the Spirit moving in my heart like never before. And that, folks, is a double whammy if I've ever known one. The Spirit... Cloud Nine... beautiful.
When I say the Spirit moved in my heart like never before, I mean it. I'll tell you a secret: I thought I was having a heart attack - when I suddenly thought, "Oh wait. Just kidding. That's God... thanks, Big Guy!"
Let me break it down a bit. I've been thinking for the past couple months or so that I simply want to serve the Lord for the rest of my life. Yet it never really seemed as if it was something I had to do, if that makes sense. I believe we are called to be sacrificial servants, but it's truly up to you how far you will go in doing so. I had been reading a devotional sent to me through Purpose Driven Life; I had sort of already read it, because it was sent on December 31, but I had skimmed through it more than anything. It was basically a call to commitment to God - to serving Him and doing His will. The second paragraph was what made the Spirit move in my heart - it was as if the Spirit was jumping for joy, really. Anyway, it says this:
'I will live the rest of my life serving God's purposes with God's people on God's planet for God's glory. I will use my life to celebrate His presence, cultivate His character, participate in His family, demonstrate His love, and communicate His word.'
I feel God was saying, "Hey - pay attention, here. This is what I want from you."
I know those are things He wants from all of us, but to me it has a deeper sense of meaning. I say this because recently I've been thinking and praying about exactly that - what God wants of me. I think it's safer than ever to say that God answers prayers.
'But your hearts must be fully committed to the Lord our God, to live by his decrees and obey his commands, as at this time.'
[1 Kings 8:61]
I have.
It's a wondrous experience. The best part is, my walking on Cloud Nine was a product of the Spirit moving in my heart like never before. And that, folks, is a double whammy if I've ever known one. The Spirit... Cloud Nine... beautiful.
When I say the Spirit moved in my heart like never before, I mean it. I'll tell you a secret: I thought I was having a heart attack - when I suddenly thought, "Oh wait. Just kidding. That's God... thanks, Big Guy!"
Let me break it down a bit. I've been thinking for the past couple months or so that I simply want to serve the Lord for the rest of my life. Yet it never really seemed as if it was something I had to do, if that makes sense. I believe we are called to be sacrificial servants, but it's truly up to you how far you will go in doing so. I had been reading a devotional sent to me through Purpose Driven Life; I had sort of already read it, because it was sent on December 31, but I had skimmed through it more than anything. It was basically a call to commitment to God - to serving Him and doing His will. The second paragraph was what made the Spirit move in my heart - it was as if the Spirit was jumping for joy, really. Anyway, it says this:
'I will live the rest of my life serving God's purposes with God's people on God's planet for God's glory. I will use my life to celebrate His presence, cultivate His character, participate in His family, demonstrate His love, and communicate His word.'
I feel God was saying, "Hey - pay attention, here. This is what I want from you."
I know those are things He wants from all of us, but to me it has a deeper sense of meaning. I say this because recently I've been thinking and praying about exactly that - what God wants of me. I think it's safer than ever to say that God answers prayers.
'But your hearts must be fully committed to the Lord our God, to live by his decrees and obey his commands, as at this time.'
[1 Kings 8:61]
January 20, 2008
Ch. 4 - Time to Trust; 1. 1. 08
My new year didn't really start on January 1 this time. It started December 22, which is why the chapters of my story have been titled with dates; they're based on writings in my spiritual journal. I figured I'd start with those and play catch-up over the next few days.
The story continues...
Indeed, it is a new year. A fresh start. Usually the 'new year' doesn't have a lot of meaning for me. This year, it's different. And I know it's because of the fact that I am focusing more on God and my faith, growing and learning every day. I don't know why - and I certainly don't know how to explain - but I have this feeling that my life has new meaning and that this lifetime's purpose will be revealed to me this year. What it will entail, I don't know. But I'm finally handing the reins over to God and putting my full trust in Him.
It's not about me.
It's what God has in store for me - and how He will use me to glorify Him.
'Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.'
[Proverbs 3:5-6]
......
Ch. Four, Part Two:
I have a resolution, by the way. I am going to become more comfortable and confident in sharing my faith, my God, my Jesus, and God's love with fellow believers. I think it's important to offer up my beliefs, thoughts and ideas, as well as prayers to my brothers and sisters in Christ. I find it's easy to do so with non-believers. Anyway, I'm really going to try and step out of my comfort zone faith-wise... and see where God leads me in doing so.
The story continues...
Indeed, it is a new year. A fresh start. Usually the 'new year' doesn't have a lot of meaning for me. This year, it's different. And I know it's because of the fact that I am focusing more on God and my faith, growing and learning every day. I don't know why - and I certainly don't know how to explain - but I have this feeling that my life has new meaning and that this lifetime's purpose will be revealed to me this year. What it will entail, I don't know. But I'm finally handing the reins over to God and putting my full trust in Him.
It's not about me.
It's what God has in store for me - and how He will use me to glorify Him.
'Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.'
[Proverbs 3:5-6]
......
Ch. Four, Part Two:
I have a resolution, by the way. I am going to become more comfortable and confident in sharing my faith, my God, my Jesus, and God's love with fellow believers. I think it's important to offer up my beliefs, thoughts and ideas, as well as prayers to my brothers and sisters in Christ. I find it's easy to do so with non-believers. Anyway, I'm really going to try and step out of my comfort zone faith-wise... and see where God leads me in doing so.
January 19, 2008
Ch. 3 - What She Saw; 30. 12. 07
'God is working on your heart - He's softening you, isn't He? You're seeing things for the first time... He's changing you.'
That's something my mom said to me. Paraphrased, of course. And I probably added something in there that I believe to be true, or something that I wish had been said. Anyway, I don't know if anyone would be able to comprehend the joy I felt in my heart when I heard those words come from the mouth of my beautiful mother. I had spent the past couple years being an insensitive, stubborn-headed fool. I realized awhile ago how cruel... truly cruel... I had been to my family. So to hear those words... it was magical. To hear from my mom - who's known me since before I was born, technically - that she can see the way God is working in me, was, quite possibly, the greatest gift I've ever received from her.
It's funny. I don't think I truly realized what was happening until she pointed it out.
'Circumcise your hearts, therefore, and do not be stiff-necked any longer.'
[Deuteronomy 10:16]
That's something my mom said to me. Paraphrased, of course. And I probably added something in there that I believe to be true, or something that I wish had been said. Anyway, I don't know if anyone would be able to comprehend the joy I felt in my heart when I heard those words come from the mouth of my beautiful mother. I had spent the past couple years being an insensitive, stubborn-headed fool. I realized awhile ago how cruel... truly cruel... I had been to my family. So to hear those words... it was magical. To hear from my mom - who's known me since before I was born, technically - that she can see the way God is working in me, was, quite possibly, the greatest gift I've ever received from her.
It's funny. I don't think I truly realized what was happening until she pointed it out.
'Circumcise your hearts, therefore, and do not be stiff-necked any longer.'
[Deuteronomy 10:16]
January 18, 2008
Ch. 2 - Seul Choix; 24. 12. 07
Seul choix. Only choice.
This was the phrase peppered throughout Pastor Harlan's Christmas Eve sermon. Jesus is our only choice - that's the bottom line, whether we like it or not. God gave us His only Son as our only choice.
What a sublime thought.
For the longest time I liked to pretend that I had options. You know, 'explore' a bit. Sure, I had been semi-raised in the [Methodist] church, but as I grew older I did some... research... on other religions. Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, the Ba'hai faith... the list went on and on. I don't think my parents ever knew. I did so when my family was on a church hiatus; when I was eight my mom's mother died and we stopped going to church until the middle of eighth grade, after we had moved to Iowa. The time when I looked into religions other than Christianity was in the later years of that hiatus. Some religions sounded pretty neat. I never expressed any interest(s) to my parents, though. My 'switching religions' - even though I had never remotely come close to doing so - didn't seem feasible. I'm glad that wasn't God's plan for me. He chose me long before I chose Him and accepted His son as my Savior.
We are so lucky to have salvation through that seul choix. We are undeserving. Thankfully, we have God's love as the baseline for... everything. His love is the foundation of all that was, is, and is to come. Then again, that's what it's all about, right?
'For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.'
[John 3:16]
Beautiful.
This was the phrase peppered throughout Pastor Harlan's Christmas Eve sermon. Jesus is our only choice - that's the bottom line, whether we like it or not. God gave us His only Son as our only choice.
What a sublime thought.
For the longest time I liked to pretend that I had options. You know, 'explore' a bit. Sure, I had been semi-raised in the [Methodist] church, but as I grew older I did some... research... on other religions. Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, the Ba'hai faith... the list went on and on. I don't think my parents ever knew. I did so when my family was on a church hiatus; when I was eight my mom's mother died and we stopped going to church until the middle of eighth grade, after we had moved to Iowa. The time when I looked into religions other than Christianity was in the later years of that hiatus. Some religions sounded pretty neat. I never expressed any interest(s) to my parents, though. My 'switching religions' - even though I had never remotely come close to doing so - didn't seem feasible. I'm glad that wasn't God's plan for me. He chose me long before I chose Him and accepted His son as my Savior.
We are so lucky to have salvation through that seul choix. We are undeserving. Thankfully, we have God's love as the baseline for... everything. His love is the foundation of all that was, is, and is to come. Then again, that's what it's all about, right?
'For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.'
[John 3:16]
Beautiful.
January 17, 2008
Ch. 1 - The Realization; 22. 12. 07
I'm starting anew once again. These past few weeks... these past couple of months, actually... have built me up and torn me down. Now I stand on level ground, humbled.
I've grown.
My goodness, how I have grown. I love how now no matter what, as life goes on, I will never stop learning. I will make more mistakes. I will cry. I will laugh. I will distance myself from Him. I will grow closer to Him. I will see the good in what has been deemed bad, and I will see the bad in what has been deemed good. I will have peace. I will have struggle.
But I am ready.
He is with me every step of the way. I want to live my life for Him. My actions, my words, my choices... may they please and glorify Him.
At this point in my life, I've come to realize that all I want is to serve Him. I can't explain it; I simply feel this beautiful, deep desire within my heart to do so. I believe it's what He wants - not only of me, but also for me.
It's as if I need to - for both of us. That's the best way I can put it.
'Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.'
[Romans 12:11]
I've grown.
My goodness, how I have grown. I love how now no matter what, as life goes on, I will never stop learning. I will make more mistakes. I will cry. I will laugh. I will distance myself from Him. I will grow closer to Him. I will see the good in what has been deemed bad, and I will see the bad in what has been deemed good. I will have peace. I will have struggle.
But I am ready.
He is with me every step of the way. I want to live my life for Him. My actions, my words, my choices... may they please and glorify Him.
At this point in my life, I've come to realize that all I want is to serve Him. I can't explain it; I simply feel this beautiful, deep desire within my heart to do so. I believe it's what He wants - not only of me, but also for me.
It's as if I need to - for both of us. That's the best way I can put it.
'Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.'
[Romans 12:11]
January 16, 2008
Preface
Alright, this is how it's going to be. My life, my way. No rules. I'm going to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and there's nothing in the universe that can get in my way. Lookout world, here I come!
... These were among my thoughts when I headed to Utah last August. Man oh man, was I glad to be getting out of Iowa. I wasn't leaving home, I was leaving a house, a handful of family members who happened to also be living in Iowa with me, and corn. Lots and lots of corn. Friends? Well, to be honest, I had been growing farther and farther away from them as last summer progressed, and I wasn't exactly in tears over leaving any of them. I say I wasn't leaving home because I never felt like Iowa was my home. I had moved from Alabama when I was ten and to be frank, never wanted to give Iowa a chance. Long story short, I actually did give it a chance, but felt like it didn't give me one in return. I felt restricted in Cedar Rapids, like I couldn't spread my wings. I also felt like I had come to be someone other than my true self.
Here in Utah, it's an entirely different story. I'm home. Granted, I have no family to turn to (physically, at least) and I'm living in a dorm, but that doesn't matter. My friends are my family and my home is Salt Lake, not a house in the woods on Indian Road. Sure, I miss exploring the woods and running the trails of Bever, using our woodchuck-infested barn as a 'secret passage' while playing capture the flag and kick the can at night, and playing 'crack the egg' on our feet-blackening trampoline with my 'big' little brother (who could be an amazing Olympic trampolinist or a fantastic diver if he really wanted to). But I'm ready to explore the Valley and run the mountainous trails, use south campus as my playground and find new 'secret passages,' and play 'promiscuous ninja' games with Darcy and Co.
But you know, what I really wanted to say is this: my thoughts from the beginning of the school year have changed. Remember how I thought nothing in the universe could get in my way of living life how I wanted to live it? I was wrong. Yeah, in case you didn't know, there's this... "Guy"... named God. He's kind of important. He will stop you in your tracks and turn you around a beautiful 180˚. Then, He will make you realize you can't live life your way, by your rules. You see, our God is a selfish God. He wants things done His way... by His rules. But our God is a loving and merciful God as well. He loves us more than our parents do, more than our friends do, and definitely more than we love ourselves. Our God is a generous God. He provides for all of our needs. He gives us gifts through the Holy Spirit, that, when used, glorify Him and help bring the Church together. He gives us answers to our prayers. And, as mentioned afore, He gives us Love. He pours out so much love onto us that we are to return it not only to Him, but to our neighbors as well. These are the two greatest commandments, and even if I could change them to be anything else, I wouldn't.
God is putting a new song in my heart and for this I am more grateful than I am for life itself. I had 'found' God again and things were going really well - or so I thought. I realize now that I was living a lie. I needed Him more than anything, but had pushed Him so far away... yet at the time I thought I had never been closer to Him. I thought everything was fine. It took a difficult confrontation and brutal honesty to wake me up from the daydream I was living in. I think you can be saved in a number of ways. Obviously, saved by Christ's blood is one of them. Another, saved literally - perhaps from a treacherous storm at sea, or from a burning house. You can be saved from an abusive situation. And you can be saved from yourself. I believe I was, indeed, saved from myself by two of my friends.
Since then, my relationship with God has been truly, entirely and beautifully real. I'm growing and learning. I've learned truths about myself. I've had prayers answered. I'm coming to believe that I know what God has in store for me and what He wants of me - for Him and others, perhaps around the world. I owe Him everything. He gave His only Son for us... who in turn gave His life for me. Me. A sinner. A girl who just the other day finally understood what John the Baptist was saying when he said, '... But one more powerful than I will come, the thongs of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie.' [Luke 3:16] Strange, right? I mean, it's a nice, simple verse - and its meaning is pretty straightforward. It was just one of those things... it... clicked. It sent a shiver up my spine. It's more meaningful to me than before.
A new start, that's what I've been given. A new start that is fresh and beautiful and good. This is my story.
'I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.'
[Ezekiel 36:26]
... These were among my thoughts when I headed to Utah last August. Man oh man, was I glad to be getting out of Iowa. I wasn't leaving home, I was leaving a house, a handful of family members who happened to also be living in Iowa with me, and corn. Lots and lots of corn. Friends? Well, to be honest, I had been growing farther and farther away from them as last summer progressed, and I wasn't exactly in tears over leaving any of them. I say I wasn't leaving home because I never felt like Iowa was my home. I had moved from Alabama when I was ten and to be frank, never wanted to give Iowa a chance. Long story short, I actually did give it a chance, but felt like it didn't give me one in return. I felt restricted in Cedar Rapids, like I couldn't spread my wings. I also felt like I had come to be someone other than my true self.
Here in Utah, it's an entirely different story. I'm home. Granted, I have no family to turn to (physically, at least) and I'm living in a dorm, but that doesn't matter. My friends are my family and my home is Salt Lake, not a house in the woods on Indian Road. Sure, I miss exploring the woods and running the trails of Bever, using our woodchuck-infested barn as a 'secret passage' while playing capture the flag and kick the can at night, and playing 'crack the egg' on our feet-blackening trampoline with my 'big' little brother (who could be an amazing Olympic trampolinist or a fantastic diver if he really wanted to). But I'm ready to explore the Valley and run the mountainous trails, use south campus as my playground and find new 'secret passages,' and play 'promiscuous ninja' games with Darcy and Co.
But you know, what I really wanted to say is this: my thoughts from the beginning of the school year have changed. Remember how I thought nothing in the universe could get in my way of living life how I wanted to live it? I was wrong. Yeah, in case you didn't know, there's this... "Guy"... named God. He's kind of important. He will stop you in your tracks and turn you around a beautiful 180˚. Then, He will make you realize you can't live life your way, by your rules. You see, our God is a selfish God. He wants things done His way... by His rules. But our God is a loving and merciful God as well. He loves us more than our parents do, more than our friends do, and definitely more than we love ourselves. Our God is a generous God. He provides for all of our needs. He gives us gifts through the Holy Spirit, that, when used, glorify Him and help bring the Church together. He gives us answers to our prayers. And, as mentioned afore, He gives us Love. He pours out so much love onto us that we are to return it not only to Him, but to our neighbors as well. These are the two greatest commandments, and even if I could change them to be anything else, I wouldn't.
God is putting a new song in my heart and for this I am more grateful than I am for life itself. I had 'found' God again and things were going really well - or so I thought. I realize now that I was living a lie. I needed Him more than anything, but had pushed Him so far away... yet at the time I thought I had never been closer to Him. I thought everything was fine. It took a difficult confrontation and brutal honesty to wake me up from the daydream I was living in. I think you can be saved in a number of ways. Obviously, saved by Christ's blood is one of them. Another, saved literally - perhaps from a treacherous storm at sea, or from a burning house. You can be saved from an abusive situation. And you can be saved from yourself. I believe I was, indeed, saved from myself by two of my friends.
Since then, my relationship with God has been truly, entirely and beautifully real. I'm growing and learning. I've learned truths about myself. I've had prayers answered. I'm coming to believe that I know what God has in store for me and what He wants of me - for Him and others, perhaps around the world. I owe Him everything. He gave His only Son for us... who in turn gave His life for me. Me. A sinner. A girl who just the other day finally understood what John the Baptist was saying when he said, '... But one more powerful than I will come, the thongs of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie.' [Luke 3:16] Strange, right? I mean, it's a nice, simple verse - and its meaning is pretty straightforward. It was just one of those things... it... clicked. It sent a shiver up my spine. It's more meaningful to me than before.
A new start, that's what I've been given. A new start that is fresh and beautiful and good. This is my story.
'I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.'
[Ezekiel 36:26]
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