Ch. 57 - Trust God

I am so lonely.

That stupid tree thing is right.

I've felt like this for probably two weeks, too. It's not just me saying, "Hm. I thought I was kind of lonely - and since this says that I often am, I guess it's true." And it's not like I'm never around people or never do anything. I just feel alone. That's it.

I'm tired, too.

Tired of trying so hard.
Tired of feeling letdown.
Tired of feeling disliked.
Tired of being lectured.
Tired of feeling stupid.

I don't want to be in Utah.
I don't want to go on summer project.
I don't want to go to school.
I don't want to go to church.
I don't want to hang out with anyone.

I want to leave.
Travel the world.
I want to volunteer.
Work with my hands.
I want to speak عربي.
Learn from native speakers.

I want to disappear.

Not forever. Just for a bit.
Not to "find myself" - I'm not that cliché - but to do what I want.

My heart says, "Go."
I've had numerous conversations with people in regards to how what you feel you want, what your heart tells you, is God.

Is this so irrational?

I know you should honor God with your actions. Worship through living your life for Him without being afraid to give Him everything. Who says this couldn't be the greatest act of worship I could ever give Him? Disciples dropped everything for Jesus. Everything. They left their families. Their jobs. Their possessions. And for what reason? To follow Him. To learn. To love. To be loved. This is what I want and I feel, in turn, what He wants as well.


'... "Here am I. Send me!" '
[Isaiah 6:8]