Ch. 779: The List - Forgiveness

"I forgive you...
[Who knows what's coming?]
... because God forgave me!"

Man... I feel annoyed when people say that.
I really do.

Why?
Because it's a Christian cliché.
And I hate Christian clichés.
Yes. You read correctly.
I hate Christian clichés.

I don't care how true said cliché may be.
Usually when I hear/read one, I find myself thinking, 'Oh please.'
[A rolling of the eyes usually accompanies this thought. Needless to say, I roll my eyes a lot while here at school.]

Sometimes I wonder if we even have the slightest idea what it means to truly forgive someone. Ope, there she goes again... critical, cynical Natalie [nice ring, eh?] - always pointing out faults and weaknesses and the tragedies of life.

"Forgive" me.
Ha.

Honestly, though.

GOD FORGAVE YOU OF ALL YOUR SINS.

Did you catch that?

The general concept of forgiveness is so meaningful and important... it began with the ideas of everlasting love, mercy, and grace. So is it truly so difficult to understand why I have my doubts as to whether we know what forgiveness is?

I don't know where to go with this.

Ch. 778 - The List: Brokenness

Oh, to be broken by my Lord God.

This is something we should be willing to pray for now and again.
Well. In my opinion, that is.
But let me tell you - expect rough seas when God begins to respond.

Yet it is good.
So very, very good.

To be broken means to be convicted.

God works at helping us tear down those sinful walls we put around our hearts... piece by piece by piece... until sooner or later, we stand before Him entirely - open and exposed. Broken. In desperate need of His tender mercy and love and grace. Oh, but the fight we put up against Him at times! Even when we know that we truly desire - nay, need - to be broken. Even when we know that we truly need to be cleansed and purified. It can be a painful process. I mean, it is a stripping away of all that we have held to so tightly... but these things keep us from the almighty Father! And we can only keep ourselves from Him for so long, I feel. It is no wonder that we feel the great need to be broken of anything and everything that is not of Him. The true desire of our hearts is to be with Him. To draw near to Him. To be filled with Him. To love Him, as He has loved us.

Oh, to be broken by my Lord God.
... How it hurts.

I am okay with that.
It reminds me that I am alive.
Alive in Christ.
A sinner.
Imperfect.
But desiring to be like Him.
Holy.
Pure.
Humble.
Loving.
Righteous.

Ch. 777: The List - Happiness

Ha! Happiness... Fun fact: I just wrote a post on my other blog titled 'Happiness. Pure happiness.'
[By the way, today is actually February 28, not February 15. And I am glad that I am behind in writing my posts... because if I had truly written this post on February 15, it would have been written/read a lot differently...]

For the past three[ish] weeks, I have been... happy. Very happy. I haven't necessarily felt joyful, mind you, but that is okay. Yet that is important to note, I think, seeing how there is a difference between being filled with happiness and being filled with joy. Anyway, this is kind of a strange feeling for me. It's not that I am never happy - that is far from the truth. But I can't remember when I had such great feelings of happiness for an extended period of time such as this. It has been consistent. Steady. Seemingly ever-growing, even, and I can't fully explain it. I mean, I'm not on one of those "spiritual highs", nor am I going through a time of a prayer [for happiness] being answered - although I am more than thankful to God for it all.

I know that there are a number of factors in my life that have been contributing to my happiness. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. However, I do not think that our levels of happiness should be entirely dependent on our circumstances and "stuff" and... whatever [Am I eloquent or what?!]. Part of me believes that we should simply be able to be glad for the life that we have and the blessings that God gives us... and be happy. Of course sometimes - or a lot of times - that is easier said than done. I also wonder just how greatly our personalities play a role in our happiness or lack thereof. It is difficult for me to decide where I stand on that. And then of course there are also issues like chemical imbalances that allow for depression to affect people and it can be so very difficult for them to truly just... be happy.

That saddens me.

I feel that happiness is actually taken somewhat too lightly. It is important. It truly is. It can affect us so greatly, and also others through us. While I don't think that happiness is as contagious as joy, it can certainly lead to good things for others. Happiness is attractive. If you seem to be more happy than usual, people are more likely to approach you and converse with you; they'll be curious as to what is different for you and why you're so happy - trust me when I say I am speaking from recent personal experience. You can use those opportunities to speak of the goodness of God and those blessings that you feel He has bestowed upon you that have contributed to your happiness. Well. If that's truly the case, that is. If you're happy because your mean ol' great-great-grandma passed away and left you quite an inheritance, so be it. And... I guess... that can be counted as a blessing, too... okay, different example: If you're happy because your brother broke up with his stupid girlfriend you really didn't like, so be it. Spread the news. Why not? Just be sensitive about it...

ANYWAY.

But seriously. I think that happiness can lead to a lot of great conversations, especially conversations regarding God and the hope that you have in Him. I mean, I don't know about you - but knowing that my life lies in the hands of my Lord God gives me reason to be pretty happy!

There are also a variety of things that bring happiness, of course, that may seem pretty general or very specific.

For example, people make me happy.
Knowing that God created each individual... it makes my heart happy.
Being warm makes me happy.
I hate being cold, and warmth brings out the best in me, I feel.
Queen City Christian Church youth make me happy.
Those kids are so great, and I am blessed to be their sponsor.
Green vegetation makes me happy.
The knowledge of coming spring floods me with an impatient peace.

And it continues...

Being happy is good.
I think that God desires for us to be happy.

Sometimes I think that one way we can be happy is to give ourselves attitude checks and tweak our mindsets. I have found that if you start your day with the expectation that it will be a good day, and that God will bless you, and the belief that you are happy, chances are your day will be characterized by each of these things becoming and remaining true.

Ch. 776: The List - Real...ness

[Written on February 27. One of these days I'll be caught up and start writing "on time" for my List series (every five days). Meh, we'll see.]

YES!
Finally!

"Realness."
Not really a word... but it worked with the group of words I put it in.

Being real.
One of my favorite topics in the entire world.

Man oh man, where to begin?

......

Call it a gift.
Call it a skill.
Call it intuition.
Call it fake.
Call it stupid.
Call it whatever you want...

But I believe that I am more easily able to tell when people are being real. More so than the average Joe, I suppose. Or maybe more like I can tell when people are not being real - even when others believe that they are being real. Why? I don't know. How? Again, I don't know. Just... 'cause. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I have not turned into a 20-something, socially-operated robot. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I am one of those kids who are tired of "religion" and "church". Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I want to see people come to know the Truth, filling themselves with Christ, and Christ alone. Or perhaps it has to do with the fact that I have dealt with too much confusion and misguidance and even false teaching, all coming from people whom I sincerely felt were not real.

And you know, those types of things are becoming a real problem these days.
It seems that we don't take the time to think for ourselves anymore.
We want to be spoon-fed information, and told what to do.
... That makes me feel sick to my stomach.

We are so greatly influenced by "the world" and people around us.

Media.
Culture.
History.
Teachings.
Traditions.
Family and friends.
People we don't even know, yet strive to be like.
... Because they seem to have it all together.

Who are YOU?
Do you even know?
And if you do, does it truly matter?

Think about that one for a minute.

Seriously.

Think about it.

What makes you... you?
Is it the family you come from?
The school you attend?
The activities in which you participate?
Is it the people you hang out with?
Your talents and abilities?
Your personality and demeanor?

In what - or whom - do you find your identity?

I pray that you are able to answer, "Jesus Christ!" - but not just because you know it's the "right" answer, but rather because it is the wholeheartedly honest truth.

But how do you share that identity?
Do you share it using your God-given heart and soul and spirit?

Do you share it at all?
Are others able to see Christ in you?
Can they see you being... you... shining with the light of Christ?

......

How can you expect to learn and teach and grow... if you keep your thoughts and dreams and inspirations and revelations to yourself? I mean, I understand the need that we have for some feeling of privacy. Believe it or not, I am more of a private person than some may believe - yes, me, the writer of internet-posted thoughts for not one, but two blogs. Anyway... And that privacy is important. But when we attempt to cover up the pools of depth that are within us out of fear, or worry, or anything and everything else, I think that in the long run of things we end up hurting ourselves. You've heard it before: something about you taking risks in order to gain reward... Well. I believe that is true. Maybe not regarding everything in life. But with a vast array of things, I think it is true - and that includes being real.

It's not that you simply don't care what others think about you.
It's not that you simply wear your heart on your sleeve at all times.

Being real means that you care so much for others that you will put yourself out there - all of you - in order to relate to and help them. ... Your fears, your dreams, your worries and concerns, your joys and hopes, your pain and suffering... everything. But most importantly, you clothe yourself with Christ at all times and share HIM, above all else. He can readily be seen as the center of "your" world. Being real means you don't sugarcoat or water down the Gospel, or what it means to be a disciple. You meet people where they are, taking a genuine interest in them. You let them know that they are not alone in their trials and tribulations; but you also let it be known that you can't change their life for them - only Christ can do that. Be vulnerable... transparent... with others. Stop hiding. And tell it like it is. Always. This doesn't give you an excuse to be abrasive, of course... but it does give you an excuse to be bold in our Lord God and ask for discernment in the Holy Spirit, following His prompting and allowing Him to speak through you.

......

There is more.
There is a lot more.

But I am unsure about how to continue.

I know this post was choppy. It was difficult to create transitions with my thoughts. My mind feels like it's working overtime, and it is becoming all the more difficult to think clearly. And, as aforementioned, there is so much I want to say! However, I think that I will simply let this post be. It is not meant to be a tutorial. Being real is something that you ultimately have to figure out on your own. Read the word of God. Talk to Him, listen to Him. Pray for help. Set others before yourself. Be yourself. Be true. Be real.

Ch. 775 - The List: Dislikes-Aggravations

Dislikes.
Hates.
Complaints.
Annoyances.
Irritations.
Aggravations.

These are the next six subjects on the list.

... So perhaps you can understand why I have delayed writing any new blog posts over the past couple weeks. I mean, I did it to myself; I'm the one who wrote them down in the first place. But really, why would I want to have to think about these things and write about them? That's an awful lot of negativity. I suppose I could simply limit myself to writing very small posts about each subject. That wouldn't be so bad. Definitions. Lists. Done. I may do that. Or, I may group each item together and just write one blog post. We'll see. So, until I [finally] decide how to attack this... peace and grace upon you!

......

Ch. 775, Part Two:

[Technically it is February 23, not February 5.]

Well. I have finally decided that I do not desire to write separate posts for each of those things on the list. But I didn't want to entirely group everything together. So the following is what I have come up with:

Dislikes

People have a lot of dislikes, usually. Or at least I feel that this is true. I know I do... But anyway, I consider things that I dislike to be pretty meaningless. Small. Petty. Dislikes are not a big deal, in my mind. We are each entitled to our own opinions and thoughts and feelings about anything and everything. They are a part of who we are, no matter how trivial. For example, I do not like sauerkraut. Or mayonnaise. Or the feel of polyester. I also dislike cats. And country music. And arguing.

Hates

I think the word 'hate' is overused and it doesn't mean anything anymore, to most people. Mmm, clichés... "Hate is a strong word." It is! And I don't think that people realize the difference between something they do not like and something they truly hate. I really do not like to say aloud that I hate anything [or anyone], unless it is [in my opinion] pretty much justified. But indeed, there are several things that I do hate. I hate bullying. I hate Romania's current international adoption status. I hate impromptu speeches.

Complaints

Much like saying they hate things too often, I think people complain too much. I don't consider myself a complainer - except when it comes to school... my mom can testify to that. But I feel that I don't complain about it as much as I used to. I am really trying to seek out the positive rather than the negative in my circumstances. And I mean, I've decided to come back to CCCB for an entire year... so it really must not be so bad, right? ... Anyway. I figure that I am simply altogether far too blessed to truly make time for complaining about "stuff". Life is too short, yo. I have it good. Really good. I wish that other people could see that about their own lives.

Annoyances, Irritations, Aggravations

Alright, I grouped these three together because they are so similar. I think that most people would say that they are the same thing, but I disagree. Yes, they are similar... but the level of intensity in feeling progresses with each. And I think that certain things can be an annoyance, an irritation, and also an aggravation, depending on the situation and other factors. For example, let's say you have a sociable friend-stalker. You don't really know this person, you just know of them. But one day they approach you to talk. You're a little confused, but think nothing of it other than, 'Cool, a new friend.' From then on, however, they seek you out and try to strike up a conversation whenever they can. It's annoying. Then they take it to the next level. They get your number from someone and constantly text you, friend you on Facebook, follow you on Twitter, and email you at least once a day. You don't really know what to do, so you just try to ignore them. But... it's irritating. Soon, they're basically smothering you. Whenever you turn around, there they are. Breathing down your neck, latching onto you, and telling everybody you're their best friend... you don't know how much more you can take. You confront them and try to talk about it, but they won't listen. They don't change. So now, you're quite upset. It's aggravating. You just can't get through to them, and it seems that you're going to have to file a restraining order. Great.

That may be a bit of an outrageous example, but I think it works to an extent.

Something that is an annoyance isn't a big deal. Like a mosquito or gnat, it's just a little pesky... and you can brush it off pretty easily. An irritation is something that gets under your skin, though... pushes your buttons... and you may have to work harder to deal with or get rid of it. And then an aggravation is something that more severely affects you... and you may earnestly feel angry or upset about that which is aggravating.

I think it's interesting to see how different people are when it comes to these types of things. What may be simply annoying to me may be extremely aggravating to you... or vice versa. But I think we can all deal with these things in the same way, in going to our Lord God to ask for guidance, discernment, and boldness.

Ch. 774 - The List: Concerns

Ahem.

This is something that bothers me.
Concerns.
Believers tend to gather and have these little sessions of "Joys and Concerns"... you know what I'm talking about. Usually it takes place during youth events, like Sunday school or youth group. But adults are just as... guilty, you could say... Sometimes there are even slots for joys and concerns during church services.

... Not a fan.
Why?

Because.
That's why.

[I kid, I kid.]

In all actuality, I feel that they can be a waste of time.
Think about it. How often is that which is mentioned a true concern that we should be lifting up in prayer to our Lord God?

I have a lot of concerns.

Like for my neighbor's co-worker's grandmother's youngest granddaughter's best friend's sister's cat, which has been stuck in a tree for four and a half days. Poor Fluffy...

Okay, that's a pretty ridiculous example. And it's somewhat biased, because I really dislike cats with an extreme passion. But it was based on an actual statement given as a concern in a youth group I have helped out with in the past. From how my memory serves me, my example was practically word-for-word, not even kidding.

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to pray for that stupid cat.
Heart issue?
Perhaps.
But there are concerns... issues... problems... - whatever you want to call them - out there that should take... priority, I suppose, in our prayer lives, both in a congregation and as an individual.

People in this world are dying every day.
People in this world are alive to sin, and only sin.
People in this world do not have the assurance of salvation.

They do not know love.
They do not know mercy.
They do not know grace.

They do not know our Lord God.
They do not know Jesus Christ, Messiah and Son of God.
They do not know the Holy Spirit.

THOSE... are legitimate concerns.

Ch. 773 - The List: Likes

Well... there are a lot of things that I like. Take all the things on my "joys" list... I like all those things. But not everything I like brings me joy. Example: I really like water, but it doesn't necessarily provide me with joy. Although I suppose if I was dying of hydration in the middle of a desert, coming upon an oasis would allow for water bringing me joy... Anyway, I am not going to construct a ridiculous list of "likes" for this post. Rather, I would like to write up a short explanation of the importance of those things in life. I wonder whether people really think about just what is "said" about them based upon the things they profess to like or enjoy. I also wonder whether they realize that acting upon said "likes" can be of great assistance to one's happiness in life. Do you know how many people do not like what they do for a living? A lot. I really do think it's a good idea to follow the advice, "Do what you like to do." Okay, with some restriction, I guess. Just because you like to play video games doesn't mean you should do that all day, every day or for a "living". But pursue a career in the video game field, you see? What kind of things that you like fuel your passions? Start there... and see where God leads you.

Ch. 772 - The List: Joys

I suppose I'll begin with the obvious: Jesus is my joy. You know, a friend of mine often posts that statement for her Facebook status. She'll go all out, adding hearts and exclamation points, usually capitalizing all the letters. Nice. Yet as great as that seems, the cynic in me can't help but come out and I usually find myself wondering, 'Really? Is Jesus truly your joy? Does that statement even have any meaning anymore? Or is it now old and tired, and basically habitual?' ... Of course, who am I to judge? But I'm simply being honest.

So.
Jesus is my joy.
My Joy.

He can be - and is - a lot of people's joy... but that means different things to each. While I believe that our Lord God is universal, I don't think that He is the same to each of His children. And I love that. I'm thankful for that. That's another that things that brings me joy - variety. Differences. Knowing that diversity exists makes me happy because it reminds me how grand this place we call "home" is... and that I am merely one person. Small. Finite. It makes me remember how big and powerful and majestic my God is - and that is a wonderful thing. I love thinking about position and location... I mean, currently I am sitting in a room within our student center. The student center is located within the central part of our campus. Our campus is located in southern Moberly, which is in north central Missouri. Missouri is in the Midwest within the United States of America. The country is part of North America, in the western hemisphere. The earth [obviously] consists of two hemispheres. The planet Earth is the third planet from the sun, within the Milky Way galaxy... amid universes and universes and universes.

And yet my Lord God holds my life in His hands.
He knows every thought.
Every desire.
Every fear.
... Everything.

Joyous thoughts, indeed.

Sometimes I wonder if people realize the true joy that is available to us, the joy that is a gift through the Holy Spirit. There is truly a difference between worldly and spiritual joy. Joy unspeakable... uncontrollable, even, to an extent. Let me tell you: the worst time and place to experience this is during the school day... while in class... oh boy - but dare not complain about that! Anyway, this kind of joy fills you entirely. Sometimes you have no idea where it comes from; it simply comes upon you and you can do nothing but accept it and praise God. I think, however, that it is good to ask God for this kind of joy, and expect that He will give it to you. But I also think that it's important to share this joy with others - don't keep it to yourself! Allow the Spirit to move and work through you. Who knows what others will gain from that shared portion of joy? Things such as knowing that a prayer has been answered also gives me great joy. Divine appointments. Vulnerability and meaningful conversation. Sigh... God is good.

On a more secular note, some things that give me simple joy include the following [in no particular order, of course]:

Country drives.
Thunderstorms.
Sitting in clover patches.
Fishing.
Exploring new places.
Memories of Mer.
Empathizing with others.
The smell of fresh cut grass.
My hands - and getting them dirty.
Elephants.
My nephew.
Discipling girls.
Really great, fresh fruits/vegetables.
Mountainous regions/hills.
Being scared [weird, I know].
Spinning.
People-watching/-storymaking.
Wisdom.

Regardless of your definition of joy, and what brings you joy, you should consider taking the time to think about such things, and thank God for providing you with them.

Ch. 771 - The List: Dreams

Ohhh boy. Dreams.
And I'm not talking about dreams that occur during sleep, just a heads up.
[Perhaps another day.]

This is also not a post for encouraging you to "FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!" and "SHOOT FOR THE STARS!" I mean, that's great and everything. Sure, go for it - whatever "it" may be. But this is really just a matter-of-fact type of post. And it's all about me. Me, me, me: the way it should be [mmm, sarcasm... well, sort of].

I suppose I could say that I have a few dreams... a multitude, actually, if I were to interchange the word "dream" with "desire". I desire many things - some more deeply than others. And it is those deep desires that I more fully believe are God's desires for my life, which He has placed within my heart. I'm going to keep it fairly short and sweet, though, and only bring up a few of these dreams/desires/whatever.

Well, dreams... as with fears, I know I have written about dreams in the past. They specifically had to do with ministry outreach to Muslims and Mormons. I feel that a few things have changed in regards to working with Muslims but I don't believe it is God's will for me to do outreach to Mormons. At least not in the foreseeable future. And that's okay. Now, with the Muslim ministry... I don't feel that it is absolutely necessary to go overseas for... well... "forever". I've been thinking about that a lot the past few months. Part of me feels that doing so would hold me back, in a way. And there's just so much I want to do... and a lot of it I don't want to do overseas. So we'll see how things develop here in the semi-near future.

There are some... traditional, you could say... dreams that I have, alongside dreams of serving God and His kingdom. For example, I dream of one day having a husband. A husband who also desires to have a God-centered relationship. A husband who can lead. A husband who is willing to make mistakes, learning from them [because we all know he will make them]. A husband who can help me, but firstly whom I can help. A husband who is thoughtful and caring of others. And, naturally, I dream of having children. Yeah, yeah... I know: "typical woman"... for the most part. I dream of having children who come to love God as I do. Children who fear Him, as well. Children who have good [Southern!] manners. Children who obey. Children who seek the approval of God over that of man. Children who are honest, who understand the importance of morals and values.

[On a less serious note, I also dream of the day that I can finally say that I am not an indecisive person... oh Lord my God, let that day come soon!]

Recently I have realized that a dream of mine - a strong desire, truly - stems from the concept and practice of discipleship. Discipling young women, more specifically [even though I do want to be able to work with kids in general, girls and boys alike]. I have had the opportunity to disciple girls only a few times, but I have cherished those chapters of my life dearly. I feel very strongly about discipleship, and wish that others would, too. It is so important in our journeys to have people we can trust whom we know are willing to teach and guide us... pray with us... give advice... mentor us... help us grow in our faiths, and grow as people in general.

There's so much more. Meaningful things and trivial things - but regardless of their supposed level of importance, they are all unique and special to me because they are part of me. And God has created all parts of me - dreams and desires alike - in a manner that makes me unique and special to Him. I am a daughter of the King of Kings. Wow. All blessing, honor, power, and glory belong to Him.

Ch. 770 - The List: Fears

I have written about fear multiple times in the past. I actually did a search on my blog and the word "fear" came up in 32 posts. Granted, some of those were only in Bible verses, and I may have not actually written about fear... but still.

However, it doesn't matter - especially seeing how fears themselves can change over time. And I feel that mine have. I used to say that I had no fear, other than the fear of God [see Ch. 145 - duly titled 'Fear']. I've also mentioned the fear of man, and the fear of complacency. My biggest fear at one point in time was that of losing God. It happened. But for a reason - and it never will again.

It saddens me that so many people's lives seem to be controlled by their fears. There are approximately 500 indexed phobias... but a phobia is simply a fear. There could be "_______phobia" for anything and everything, technically. The possibilities are endless. But truly, I feel that some people allow their fears to take over... and that's not right. It's not fair to them. But until they realize that whatever they fear can only do so much... those phobias will continue to reign over them.

What is the worst that can happen? Illness? Loss of things or people? Death? These things matter not, if you know that which should truly reign over your life, God. The fear of God displaces all other fears, in my opinion. And if you fear God, if you revere Him, you love Him. And if you love Him, you fear Him. Nothing can touch you when you have these things. I mean, illness will run its course. Both material items and people come and go. Death brings you home.

I feel that currently, I have a variety of petty fears. The Triple-S-Threat... Sharks. Snakes. Spiders. Walking across streets/parking lots. And even of these I suppose I could say that really, I just dislike them intensely rather than truly fear them. Other than that fear of God that I mentioned, I feel like there is nothing that weighs heavy on my heart as a "fear". Which is good. And I am glad there are no fears that control [even a portion of] my life.

... I thank God for that.

Ch. 769 - The List: Plans

I find it interesting that we "plan" in such a variety of ways. There are things that we plan to do - and there are things that we do not plan to do, and yet happen anyway. There are blue-print plans, and flight plans. There are activity plans, and pension plans. There are plans made to achieve and succeed, and there are plans made to ruin and destroy. Designing. Projecting. Intending. All part of the planning process.

I feel that most often, we plan for ourselves - both consciously and subconsciously. Sometimes we have a very specific goal or aim in mind, and plan accordingly. Other times we have a deep desire or need, without even realizing what they are, and yet the paths we traverse are centered around fulfilling or obtaining said desire or need. Westerners especially plan for themselves, I think. Always trying to get ahead, and then stay ahead, of others. We make these lofty plans because of what our culture and media tell us are important: wealth, power, success... and we will do anything and everything to "make it".

Planning... I do love thee.
But I have, to a great extent, given up on you.
You're just no good for me, it seems.
You let me down, time and time again.
How many plans have I created? How many plans have seemed to rule my life? How often has my reliance on plans gotten in the way of truly living? And how often has God had to remind me that it is HIS plan that truly matters the most?

Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not saying that we absolutely, positively cannot plan. For one thing, I think I would go crazy if doing so was not allowed. I am a planner. Simple and true. But "planning" does not define me, nor my life. Not anymore, that is. It certainly used to; God took care of that [see Chapter 8]. I talk about planning a lot, I feel. It really is a big deal to me. Thus, I am so glad that quite some time ago I came to the beautiful realization that God has done enough planning for me... I needn't worry. Or stress. Or be fearful, anxious. And I feel that we do need to make plans to an extent - make plans so that we can follow His plan. We should not, however, be surprised if/when God tweaks our plans. His will be done. If our plans do not fit His will, then, well... He'll help and guide you. That's all. He is in control. He holds us in His hands. And He desires the very best for each and every one of us. What a calming, reassuring thought. God the Provider, God the Creator, God the Planner - He loves you. So seek Him. Trust Him. And obey Him.

Ch. 768: The List - Church

Church.

Church... hm.
Church.

It is difficult to know how to begin. For "church" fills my mind with a multitude of thoughts, all very different from one another. Yet at the same time, they are somewhat complementary to one another. Indeed, "church" has a variety of meanings. At times that knowledge... well... irritates me. Thus, I have a great desire to inform people of those different meanings, because some people do only have a singular view of what "church" is. And truly, their ideas may be somewhat wrong. Now, we can try and change the word around to better describe what "it" is, but I don't think that's very productive. In the end, people are going to continue to use the word "church" the way they see fit to do so.

Church.
It's a building.

Church.
It's a service.

Church.
It's the body of Christ.

I would say my first two layman definitions are both true and false. That is why I go so far as to say some people's ideas as to what church is may be wrong.

Is church a building? No, not really. But people have, over time, continuously said, "We are going over to the church!" to let it be known where they are going. Granted, some may say "church building" rather than merely the church. Truly, the same meaning is implied. To many, "church" is but an architectural structure, and nothing more.

Is church a service? Again, not quite. Oh, but, "We go to church each week." I suppose this is more appropriate than calling a building the church. I mean, by going to church, we gather in order to be edified and praise God. But church is more than a weekly worship service. It is more than something to be placed on a timeline, letting us know when to assemble.

And so we come to the last definition. "Church" is the body of Christ. This is unswervingly true. There is no way around it. It is nothing more, nothing less. It cannot mean anything other than that. It is not used as an explanation for something created by man. The Church is a body of believers, united by the blood of Christ. We are called to serve. We are called to love. Teach. Disciple. Just as children are to obey their mother and father, so too are we to obey our Father God. For the Church is a family. A community. It is more awesome and beautiful than any cathedral ever constructed, and more powerful and Spirit-filled than any worship service conducted. And I am more thankful for the body of Christ than I ever have been before.

......

Ch. 768, Part Two:

A story.
Yesterday I went to... a time of gathering for prayer, music, and teaching... in a building that used to be a bar... okay, just kidding. See what I mean, though? Anyway, when I went to "church" I experienced one of those moments where God seems to say, "Natalie, listen. Look. Pay attention!" I did exactly that, actually. Towards the end of the service we were singing songs of praise to our Lord God. At one point we were told by the pastor to close our eyes and just think about the Father and His love for us. His role as a Comforter. As a Provider. As the congregation did so, the children returned from Sunday school. Their running feet created a wondrous sound as they came into the room. Some feet made little more than a "pitter-pat" on the carpeted floor, while others made a resounding "clomp, clomp, clomp" as they raced back to their seats. I couldn't help but smile and let out a soft laugh. When the footsteps lessened and the music began to pick back up, I opened my eyes. A man sitting in front of me was looking to a back corner of the room. I allowed myself to follow his gaze and saw one of the small boys he had brought with him that morning, standing in the back. The man then smiled widely and opened his arms. The boy ran to him and was enveloped by the man's arms. Oh, what a beautiful sight. I could - can - easily imagine myself in that young boy's shoes, running into the arms of my heavenly Father. I was suddenly filled with a feeling and thoughts of magnificent love. Oh, how I am blessed.

Ch. 767 - The List: Nomads

I can only imagine how many people have ever chosen to describe themselves as living with a nomadic heart. I know that I have, many a time. I believe it to be true. I don't enjoy staying in one particular place for an extended period of time. There is so much to see, hear, smell, do... This world is too big, its people too many, and its experiences too vast to simply stay in one place for all of one's life. Granted, I do realize that some people do have that desire to simply stay put for as long as they live. Born, raised, lived, died - all in one town. And that's great for them... but to many such as myself, that just won't cut it.

My parents moved our family from Alabama to Iowa when I was in fourth grade. That was okay. I then moved to Utah for my first year of college. That was great. Then I moved to Missouri for these last three years of college. That was okay. Each place has its pros and cons, naturally. And what you get out of a place really depends on what you make of your time there. But you know, with every traveling experience [big and small], a deep desire to simply... move... rises up within me. Not constantly, of course. I don't desire to live out of a suitcase and drive to a different state every other week, or backpack through Europe for the rest of my life. I mean, that's a little much. But there is something very appealing about living in such a way that allows for freedom of movement and minimalism.

The nomadic Tuareg tribe of south-Saharan Africa has fascinated me ever since I learned of them a handful of years ago. I mean, the desert in itself is absolutely fascinating. But a people-group who has, throughout time, been intentional in choosing to live there... what could be more interesting? After all, most people strive to live away from the desert. Or, at least to have the amenities to make them comfortable if they do live in or near those types of regions. Now, the Tuareg do not constantly move. They have nomadic seasons, moving only two or three times a year. And the way things are done as a nomadic people has changed over time, due to geographical limitations [i.e., country borders and resource ownership]. There is a large sense of being, rather than doing - so different from the lifestyles and ways of Americans. And I love that. To live in a community that is much defined by simplicity, yet still understands structure and society... that concept and imagery is beautiful to me.

I think that living a nomadic lifestyle would have many benefits. Next to being able to see many different places and people, one would be able to have an influence on said places and people... hopefully in a positive and God-honoring manner. Not attempting to change these things, of course. But rather walking through those doors that God opens... in order to allow Him to work through you... for in the end, it is Him Who changes lives. One reason I would love to be able to work in Romania one day is that I would be doing gypsy outreach. And gypsies are, in essence, nomads. So not only would I be able to learn from them and see how they live, but - over time, God-willing - I would be able to come alongside them, developing relationships. Disciple them. And as they continually move on, they would be able to do the same thing... with those whom they know and meet in the places they travel to. I mean, how neat is that? So in that regard, nomadic living is all the more interesting to think about.

I see nomads as people who do not take much... but are greatly thankful for that which they come upon and use, as well as possess. They move in order to take advantage of different places that offer certain things that they need, and/or to escape that which may threaten or endanger them. Regardless of motive, I do admire those who live nomadic lifestyles.

Ch. 766 - The List: Islam

Oh, how my heart aches.

I see a sister walking down a path that I once traveled.
I see a sister turning away from the Christ whom she so lovingly showed me.
I see a sister making a mistake - even though I know I do not know the story.

I see confusion.
I see desperation.
I see misguidance.

I see a lost girl.

I know.
I feel.
I remember.

I remember what it was like to be lost.
To be going down a path that seems to simply be... "right".

The worst part? Sometimes I feel fingers, reaching from the false light, tugging at me. How strong and relentless they can be. More than once have I believed that my heart and mind were going to be ripped into pieces.

And so I fear for this lost girl that I see.
... Yet all I can do is pray.

Pray that she continues to seek for truth... for the Truth.
Pray that she is influenced by someone as I was influenced by her.
Pray that she turns around and runs back to Him who holds her in His hands.

And pray that she comes to fully understand the meaning of John 14:6.
... Just as I did on that beautiful spring morning two and a half years ago.

Oh, how my heart aches.

But there is a peace that washes over me as I remember that HE is so much bigger than any of us. My soul is calmed as my spirit is stirred.

......

I just realized that this post has something to do with the first item of that "list" I created in Ch. 765. Thus, the title change from "One return. One departure." to "The List: Islam". I had said I would likely be posting reflections on each thing that I listed. I didn't know what those reflections would look like or how/when they would begin. ... But obviously, it just sort of... happened, eh? So alright, then. Here we go.

Ch. 765 - Growth Spurts

There are a lot of things I could talk about.
There are even more that I could write about... Does that make sense?

Islam.

Nomads.
Church.

Plans.
Fears.
Dreams.

Joys.
Likes.
Concerns.
Dislikes.

Hates.
Complaints.
Annoyances.
Irritations.
Aggravations.

Real...ness.
Happiness.
Brokenness.
Forgiveness.
Thankfulness.
Lovingkindness.

God.
Jesus.
Spirit.
Family.
Friends.
Teachers.
Students.

Home.
Iowa.
Utah.
Moberly.
Alabama.
Missouri.
Overseas.
Romania.

Hopes.
Wants.
Needs.
Strengths.
Weaknesses.
Indifference.
Abilities.
Challenges.

Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
ME.
ME.
ME.
ME.
ME.

... Sometimes that's all I want to talk/write about.
I mean, sure - this is my story.
I could technically say/write whatever I want.

And yet, I don't.
Not truly.
Not fully.

Because I think that what I mean is I would speak of those... negative... aspects of "me". All of those things - topics - that I listed do pertain to me in some way. I could write about all of them regarding how they affect me, what I think about them, what they are, what they mean to me, etc... And some of those things most certainly do or would have a negative spin to them, I feel. I am sure I would have something positive to say about each. But really, overall, the tone would be negative.

So... is that so terrible?
Desiring to focus on "ME" to an even greater extent?

Doing so could, quite possibly - quite easily, really - lead to direct disobedience regarding the two greatest commandments that my Lord God gave me, I believe. Especially when that desire comes to fruition in actually talking with [more like at] others - regardless of whether they are believers and I think they can "handle" that which I find myself just thoughtlessly spewing out.

It's not that I would... come to love myself more than I currently do. At least I don't think so. But the focus on God and others would not be as great as it should be. I find it easy to see how my love for each would become diluted. I think it is awfully difficult to love others as you love yourself when all you care about is self and talking of or about self.

I don't know where it comes from.
I mean, I suppose I do.
I may have Christ.
I may have the indwelling Spirit.
But I still have flesh.
Man is man.
And man is selfish.
Pitiful.
Prideful.
Pathetic.

[Even so, God is the Father - Creator - of man. And thus, these... characteristics... are canceled out by His love, grace, and mercy.]

Perhaps I simply haven't fully come to embrace the fact that I do have people I can talk WITH [not at], realizing that over time we will learn about one another and come to love one another for who we are... made in the image of God... attempting to become more and more Christlike. I appreciate the fact that this can and does happen in a variety of settings. People are relational regardless of where they are, what they are doing, and who they are with - whether they realize it or not. Point of the matter is, if you are willing to invest time and energy into others, it will be reciprocated.

Perhaps I am afraid of coming to realize something about myself that I don't want to know. Because, chances are, it would not be pleasant and I know that God would need to work on me. Ouch. And yet, how good that is. I think that by going deeper and just getting things out there with others is good. Blank pages of a journal only offer so much comfort. Ink and lead run out eventually. New journals must be bought. And forget about personal insight and feedback. You can make the journal covers flap as if they are lips for as long as you'd like - but at the end of the day, you won't have heard a single word come from them. The same can be said about an empty HTML box on a blogging site. Start, stop, start, stop... delete this, edit that. Distractions abound. Granted, the hum of the fan offers a familiar comfort, as does the dim glow of the screen in a darkening room. Millions of resources for extra help, advice, suggestions, musings, and additional words are at your fingertips... but what does all that truly matter? What does that say about you?

Oh, how I am growing.
[And I am certainly thankful that my shoe size will stay the same.]

I think I'm going to begin a series of reflections on each of those things I listed at the beginning of this post. I may or may not post them on my other blog.

Ch. 764 - Delight. Delight. Delight.

I am His favorite.

Hephzibah.
"My delight is in her."

Well.
As usual... context aside, of course.



' "No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married." '
[Isaiah 62:4, NIV]

' "It will no longer be said to you, "Forsaken," Nor to your land will it any longer be said, "Desolate"; But you will be called, "My delight is in her," And your land, "Married"; For the LORD delights in you, And to Him your land will be married." '
[Isaiah 62:4, NASB]

Ch. 763 - Blessing of Encouragement

Bless and be blessed.
Be/do/give what you need.
For truly... what goes around, comes around.
Beautifully cyclical, indeed.

Ch. 762 - Shatter

Praise is due my Lord God for what He is doing in my life - and your life, as well, I am sure... whether you realize He is working or not.

Let's just say that my God is loving. And faithful. And compassionate.
I feel so secure in knowing that He holds me in His hands. I am so glad that my identity is found in Jesus Christ. I may not fully understand what that means or what that looks like, but I understand to a great enough extent to realize how truly blessed I am.

You know, I've never been fully comfortable with... me. I don't know how often I have believed that I truly like myself. I think this is why I've always enjoyed being able to go up on stage for various performances and such... I get to be someone else. A character. An entirely different person. Someone who knows who they are. No deviants. They do not waver. They are strong. They always know what to say. Character interactions are flawless. And no matter what, things go as they are supposed to. The story in which the character "lives" flows just oh so nicely. But my own character? Natalie? Well.... she is not consistent. She is weak. She doesn't always know what to say. Sometimes her interactions with others are strained. And her story seems to stop and start, stop and start. She rarely knows what will happen next; unpredictability is a major theme in the story. However, that's what makes it real. Honest and sincere reality... it can be tough... but it is good.

But let's just say that sometimes, those tough parts of life can pretty easily lead you to define/see yourself in a negative manner. "Forgive and forget..." "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me..." These two sayings are, quite possibly, the most ridiculous and false statements ever coined. It can be very difficult to forget things done to you, or said to you - especially when those words that were said hurt. And they can. Hurt, I mean...

I am a very critical person. Hard on myself, hard on others. And I've really never had a very good or strong perception of myself. Confidence... self-esteem... rarely there. I put on masks, I put up fronts. I used to think that these things saved me. But I have honestly just recently realized how greatly these things have ultimately hurt me. I shudder to think of what - and whom - I have missed out on due to my pride and fear. I feel that I have developed such odd - false, even - views of the people and world around me.

I have always blamed the lack of action on other people's parts for the way I've felt. Alone. Disliked. Afraid. Excluded. Etc... But really, it was my lack of action that hindered my ability to think or feel otherwise. Sure, I understood the concept of a "two-way street". I just... didn't care enough to turn onto other streets. I was always waiting for others to turn onto my street.

There's more... so much more. There truly was a lot of hurt based on past experiences and whatnot. I have held onto these hurts for a very long time. They have weighed me down. They have made me bitter. They have made me hate [myself more so than others]. They have created disillusions. And really, they have made me tired. I am so tired of the enemy using them against me time and time again, just because I can't seem to let them go. I am so tired of letting the lies of the world influence me to a greater extent than the truths of the Lamb.

A week ago I had a conversation with a sister in Christ. She lives on my floor and is really neat. We've had a few conversations in the past, but nothing terribly serious or deep - yet they've always been great, and certainly appreciated on my side of things. But this talk we had was not fun. It was not desired. And it was not appreciated - at first, that is. It actually started with me asking her a question about someone else... funnily enough, about whether that second person was "real". Truly legit. Because said person had surprised me [in a good way] with words and actions. It seemed that they really did care. And I was taken aback by the realization of how much I both wanted and needed that. But I thought I would check with my sister just to be sure; I knew she could advise me because the two of them are close. Oh by the way, it turns out they are real. Anyway, that question/answer morphed into something unexpected. Long story short, I completely broke down. ... I hate it when that happens. All this "stuff" came pouring out and it was just.... aifudasljfkal. Gloriously awful. Awfully glorious. Take your pick. But let me tell you... I felt so loved. Just because she let me talk. And yet she didn't merely hear me, but also listened... and had input. Gave advice. Asked questions. Prayed for me. Over the weekend, I was able to have some more really great conversations with her. I am being completely honest when I say that I feel as if I finally have a good, true friend here at Central. She, too, is "real" and I am so glad that I have someone I can turn to in anything and everything. But man... it's been rough. I feel as if "my world" is falling down around me. It's like a glass vase, dangerously close to the table's edge... the table is bumped and you know what's going to happen. You want to do everything you can to stop the vase from falling to the floor and shattering into dozens of pieces - but you can't. Anyway, my sister has pointed out some pretty big faults in my thinking and habits... reminded me that people are not monsters... and helped me realize how much I need people. Especially the Body of Christ. His Bride. The Church.

I cannot be alone.
It is impossible.
It is unrealistic.
It is not what God desires for me.
And besides, I really don't want to be alone.
I feel like I've forced that upon myself in the past.
All because I'd developed this horrendous view of humanity.

No more.

I deserve better.
So do those around me.
And above all, God deserves my best.

This past week has been full of ups and downs.
Confusion.
Hysteria.
Questions.
Prayer.
Reflection.
Tears.
But really... it's been a long time coming.
And I can't wait to see what comes next.

"REND"
oh, how i hurt.
i feel HIS hand upon me.
crushing. tearing. breaking.
oh, the pain.
strength.
comforted.
for it is good.
[necessary.]
but oh GOD, my GOD, this is not what i desired.
"... that YOU would rend the heavens." [but...]
my heart?
a fear of fears.
[unprepared.]
oh, how i hurt.
i know joy.
i know peace.
i want more. [but...]
oh, the pain.
continue, oh GOD, my GOD.
for YOU love me.
[abide.]
rend.

New life.
The same me... but... different.
A phoenix, if you will.

Thankful.
So very, very thankful.


'Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.'
[Romans 12:15]

... I realize this may seem like an odd verse to end with, but for whatever reason it's been on repeat in my mind for the past week... so please forgive me.

Ch. 761 - In Response...

[As aforementioned in my last post, this post came from my other blog in order to play catch-up... this was written this past Thursday.]

Today I read an excerpt from Carlo Carretto's "Summoned by Love", a sustained meditation on the prayer of Charles de Foucauld known as the 'Prayer of Abandonment to God'. I've mentioned Carretto before [see Chapter 154]. The excerpt can be found in the book, Carlo Carretto: Essential Writings, a compilation of thoughts, letters, etc. written by Carretto. Carretto was actually a member of the Little Brothers of Jesus, an order inspired by the spirituality of de Foucauld. So a lot of his writings focus on different aspects of Catholicism, which I actually know very little about. Thus, his writings are all the more interesting to me, because they explore facets of something I am both a part of and not a part of.

Anyway, I had never heard about the 'Prayer of Abandonment to God' and did some research; it goes as thus:

'Father,
I abandon myself into Your hands; do with me what You will. Whatever you may do, I thank You: I am ready for all; I accept all. Let only Your will be done in me, and in all Your creatures - I wish no more than this, O Lord. Into Your hands I commend my soul: I offer it to You with all the love of my heart, for I love You Lord, and so need to give myself, to surrender myself into Your hands, without reserve, and with boundless confidence... For You are my Father.
Amen.'

[Wow.]

I hadn't read from Carlo Carretto: Essential Writings for quite some time. But today, for whatever reason, I decided to pluck the book from its shelf in my room and bring it with me to my classes. SALT was even less interesting than usual today... so I decided to open the book to the spot where I left my bookmark and began to read. The very first sentence piqued my interest to a great degree... if you haven't already done so, I suggest that you first read my previous blog post before continuing onward.

But with that bit of a background, I give to you that which I read today:

'On the subject of the Church as community:...
It's no good sheltering in the old refrain: "It's not my concern... I can't do anything about it... it's the priest's concern, the bishop's concern, my mother's concern."

I think it's everybody's concern.

The first symptom of conversion by which we prove that we have grasped what the Church actually is, is when we stop thinking about the Church as being only the Vatican or the diocese and think of it as being each one of us.

We are the Church!
Each of us is the Church!

What power would be generated were all Christians to keep saying, and each to contribute something to the activities of the bishop by saying, "It concerns me."

Now I am making a start.
Now I am trying to make a community.
I don't want to be on my own any more.
I want to have companions on my journey.
To live my life with them.
Even if there are only a few of us,
I want to make a start.
We shall pray at home.
We shall read the Bible together.
We shall make the Eucharist what the first Christians made it.
We shall hale each other.
We shall pool as much of our property as we can.
We shall live by the gospel.

And I think that the acutely worrying problem of priestly vocations would soon be solved in a community of this sort.

A community of prayer.
A community-Church in which the faith is sincerely lived automatically becomes a seminary. Where the Word is proclaimed, the Spirit comes, and the task of the Spirit is to make a Church and distribute its graces within it.'

Oh, how my Lord God works in wonderful ways.


'Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.'
[Colossians 3:15-16]

Ch. 760 - Dissatisfaction

[Alright, so the next two posts were on my other blog. But I wanted to use them as a catch-up for this one. :) I'm awesome.]

How does not knowing what community - or, I dare say, "the Church" - is become a problem in one's life? I could begin to attempt to tell you, but I don't think I would get very far before realizing, "I don't know."

Where does it start?
Can you put a finger on its generation point?
... Who is to "blame" for this tangled mess?

Blame it on self?
... Body?
... Soul?
Blame it on others?
... Family?
... Friends?
Blame it on church?
... Pastors?
... Teachers?
Blame it on the Church?
... The Body?
... The Bride?

It's a sad realization, let me tell you. My heart broke tonight. Not just for myself, mind you, but for the seemingly infinite number of people in this world who do not about Christ, let alone a [true/Church] community.

There are just... too many.
Too many, I say, and it is overwhelming.

Oh, how my heart aches.

I desire to be proven wrong.
I desire to be shown it exists.
I desire something more than "this".
I desire to learn how to bring that which we all need to others.

And I desire to truly figure out how this problem is generated.

It is simply unfortunate that I feel like I have to do so on my own.
And that, more often than not, I feel as if nobody else cares whatsoever.


'Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone.'
[Ephesians 2:19-20]

Ch. 759 - Truths upon Truths

Oh, to be known by my Lord God... this is my delight.
Oh, to be loved by my Lord God... this is my joy.

And I am His delight. I am His joy.

I am not worthless.
I am of great value in His sight.

He has a plan for me.
A beautiful plan.
A challenging plan.
A plan that has been created to benefit His kingdom.

Redeemed.
Restored.
Refreshed.

I am so thankful that I was made for loving Him.


'For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.'
[1 Peter 1:18-19]

Ch. 758 - Touch

This may sound weird... but I like to touch. It seems like I always have to be holding or touching something - it usually comes down to my hair, a pen, or my earring(s). I think that the sense of touch can tell us so much about things. And people, too.

Is something new? Or perhaps aged and worn? It something soft, or rough? Smooth, or ragged and uneven? Is a table made of real wood, or has it been covered with a veneer that looks like wood? Is something supple, or hard? Dry, or wet? Are a person's hands calloused, or well taken care of? Is a person's wealth made obvious in the fabrics they choose to clothe themselves with?

You can only know something to such a degree by seeing it, hearing it, tasting it, smelling it... well, by touching it, too. But I feel that touch reveals something's depth. It brings to the table a new facet of said somethings. Touch brings about an understanding of the reality of things; they "come to life". I think this is partly why people have such a difficult time coming to know, understand, or desire God... He cannot be touched. We cannot grasp Who or What He is based on that sense. Or any others, really. Well. I suppose we can believe that He is beautiful based on what we see in nature or people, but otherwise, we cannot understand Him or have a deeper sense of Him [based on what our senses lead us to know/believe].

However. Perhaps it is safe to say that people are able to realize a facet of God based on touch. What about those who are healed from the laying on of hands? If someone is healed due to the power of the Holy Spirit flowing through the hands of a believer with the gift of healing, wouldn't the person who was healed come to understand and believe that God is the Healer? As long as glory is given to Him, all parties involved - especially the healed - should know that ultimately, God healed the inflicted. Obviously it may not be the touch itself that initiates the healing, but rather faith - but the touch of the person who has the gift allows God to work through that faith and that person.

I love the fact that God can use healings to show Himself to both believers and nonbelievers alike. Yet I do believe that it takes faith upon the part of the inflicted in order to be healed, not just the person who has that gift, based on what I read in the Bible. Even so, nonbelievers, or those to whom faith is not "real", may see these healings and come to see and know God is at work and real. So I suppose that it is possible to know a part of God through the sense of touch, technically. It may be a bit of a stretch, I realize, but it makes sense to me... especially since I do believe that God continues to give the gift of healing to people today - and does miraculous and wonderful things through His children. All glory to God, always!


'When he came down from the mountainside, large crowds followed him. A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately he was cured of his leprosy.'
[Matthew 8:1-3]

Ch. 757 - Fields and Vineyards

'I went past the field of the sluggard,
past the vineyard of the man who
lacks judgment;
thorns had come up everywhere,
the ground was covered with weeds,
and the stone wall was in ruins.
I applied my heart to what I observed
and learned a lesson from what I
saw:
A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest -
and poverty will come on you like a
bandit
and scarcity like an armed man.'
[Proverb 24:30-34]

I think the sight and lesson described in these verses can be applied to our very being and hearts, at times. If we don't keep up in our relationships with God, and don't come to Him for nourishment, we will become thorny, dry, and remain unpruned. This is not good for us. We need the living water, the bread of life... and we need the true, strong protection of our God to surround our hearts and spirits. Neglect is an awful thing. It says we care not about ourselves - but God created us as His dear children and abusing ourselves in such a way is disrespectful to our Creator. Turn to Him to be nourished and grown in ways that we cannot make happen ourselves.

Ch. 756 - Instructions and Promises

Various verses of Psalm 37:

(1) Do not fret, or be envious.
(3) Trust in the Lord and do good.
(4) Delight yourself in the Lord.
(5) Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him.
(7) Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.
(8) Refrain from anger and turn from wrath.
(27) Turn from evil and do good.
(34) Wait for the Lord and keep His way.
(37) Consider the blameless, observe the upright.

[for]

(3) He will give you safe pasture.
(4) He will give you the desires of your heart.
(6) He will make your righteousness shine.
(11) He will give [the meek] great peace.
(18) He will give [the blameless] an inheritance that endures forever.
(23) He will make your steps firm, upholding you.
(28) He will give you eternal protection.
(39) He will be your stronghold.
(40) He will help you and deliver you.

Why would anyone not desire to have a relationship with the Lord God of this psalm that His servant David wrote? These promises are beautiful and eternal, constantly kept for those who follow Him. Oh, how truly blessed I am.

Ch. 755 - Wisdom Stems from Suffering

... Job 22:21-28.

Submit.
Be at peace.
Accept instruction.
Lay up His words.
Return.
Remove wickedness.

Surely then...

You will find delight in Him; you will lift up your face.
You will pray to Him; He will hear you.
What you decide will be done; light will shine on your ways.

I really think that these verses can be applied to man today. These words of advice from Eliphaz, a friend of Job, can be taken by anyone who truly desires to draw near to God, know Him, and be in His will. When our lives revolve around Him, we will prosper. God will bless us. He will give us the desires of our hearts, so long as they are truly in alignment with His plans for us. And you know, even though these verses contain things we should be doing, they really boil down to simply spending time with God, or being in His word... so actually, it all returns to the concept of being with Him. Which... I mean... isn't that what He wants us to "do" anyway?

Ch. 754 - Roll

God is so much bigger than you.
... Than me.

Why is it so difficult for us to lay to rest the trivial matters that do not even affect our personal salvations? Our personal ministries? Our personal relationships with the God Who loves us more than we know... ?

More often than not, no one is to blame but yourself when these things are affected in such a way that is deemed undesirable, unfair, unreasonable, irrational, upsetting, etc.

When are we going to accept the fact that we do not know what is best?
When are we going to accept the fact that we need to learn to trust?
When are we going to accept the fact that change happens?

... Sometimes simply embracing change makes it all the more easy to understand, rather than kicking against the goads trying to comprehend all the facets of said change. Learn things for yourself. Don't skip around between multiple points of view.

Multiple stories.
Multiple lies.
Multiple hurts.

Turn away from that which is meaningless.
Turn, in entirety, to Him Who reigns on high.
... To Him Who is above all else.


' "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness..." '
[Matthew 6:33a]

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 356.

Ch. 753 - Held

Learning.
Always learning.
Always learning about myself.
Always learning about myself, always learning about God.

And His will for my life.
And what He desires of me.

Let me tell you... having truth spoken into your life is good.
Truly, truly, truly good.
But man oh man can it hurt.

Sometimes I am amazed at how greatly I struggle without even realizing it.
Sometimes I have no idea where to begin, after having been picked up by God.

I am... overwhelmed.
I am... lonely.
But I am not alone.

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 350.

Wait.

What a week.

I don't think I've ever thought, 'I can't write.'

I don't always feel like writing.
Yet I will anyway.
Even when I don't write any blog posts, I still write in my journal.

......

But right now that's what I find myself thinking.
'I can't write.'
And I hate it.

......

I am doing fine.
It hasn't been the best week... whatsoever.
But I am fine. Good, even.
I was really encouraged in talking to a couple people last night.
Inspired.
I simply feel like I have a lot to go over in my mind and heart.

So for now, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to figure this out.
... Whatever "this" may be.

I have heavenly hope.
I have earthly joy [which is fine for now].
I have a Savior Who loves me.

These are enough.

Trust.
Faith.

These are enough.

Ch. 752 - Harvest of Hope

"What is a harvest of hope?"

A professor asked one of my friends that question tonight. He has to speak in regards to what that is this week in chapel... it is Missions Emphasis Week at school and every year we steal the National Missionary Convention's theme [the NMC is in November]. Anyway - he's been trying to figure it out, but has no idea what a harvest of hope is. My friend wasn't sure, either. So she said that she would go around and ask others what it could possibly mean, and then get back to him. I happened to be the first person she asked the question to.

I wasn't sure what to make of the question, at first. I had to sit and think for a few moments. I really had no idea what to say, how to answer. A harvest of hope... a harvest of hope... a harvest of hope... a harvest of hope. Hm.

Well. The following is what I came up with, along with a couple interjections from said friend [N] and another friend of ours [J] who happened to be around while this singular Q&A was taking place.

There is, indeed, a harvest happening. We want hope to take root in people as they learn about Jesus. But really, we cannot harvest hope. We cannot have a harvest of hope. Because that would mean that we are taking hope away from someone, someplace, something. Believers should desire to instill hope within others. We want hope to grow within people. Over time, it will turn into faith. People become followers of Christ. Now, a harvest is the gathering/taking in of a crop. The harvested crop is then used. For example, when you harvest food, you may sell it... eat it... preserve it for the winter months... etc. Again: you use what you harvest. So when you fully come to understand the hope that has been shared/taught/offered you, that hope in Christ... and you come to maturity... you should be willing to be used by God, having been harvested. Then you can be the one to plant seeds of hope within others.

{"J" reminded us that Christ is the great Harvester. We may be preparing the fields, but He is the One who will gather the crop.}

{And "N" reminded us that Christ gives people something to hope in. People place hope in a lot of different things. When what they are putting hope in fails, it can be devastating. Feelings of hopelessness can even cause people to take their lives.}

But hope gives life.
Both physical and spiritual.

So. Recap:
When hope is placed in the right thing, Jesus, life can fully be grasped. Hope turns into faith. When faith is had by someone, they come to have new life in Jesus. The people who have that new life are those whom we call "the harvest". Thus, through faith, you technically can have a harvest of hope... a harvest planted by hope.

Hope --> Faith --> Harvest --> Discipleship --> Maturation --> Multiplication --> New planters of Hope... oh, what a beautiful cycle.

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 346.

Return

Two weeks.

Here I am.

Seasons and winds of testing, indeed.
Seasons and winds of refreshing... not so much.

They shall come in due time.

For now, I continue to turn to God at all times.

Ch. 751 - Seasons of Testing

"Let the winds blow...
Awake, awake oh north wind...
Come oh winds of testing,
come winds of refreshing..."

Oh Lord God... work on me.
Refine me.
Test me.
Do what You will.
For I know that what You do to and for me is good.
... Not to mention necessary.


' "This third I will bring into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, 'They are my people,' and they will say, 'The Lord is our God.' " '
[Zechariah 13:9]

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 343.

Ch. 750 - Call On His Name

A present-day vision of Heaven... Thank You, Lord God, for this beautiful realization. So simple. Wondrous.

......

"There's no other name."

JESUS.

Such power.
Magnificence.

Overwhelming, O God, is Your presence. But oh, how thankful I am for it. I pray for a new constant in my life, Lord God. A constant... of Your presence... joy... stability... self-discipline... anything that is of You, and You alone.

I want You.
I need You.

A true desire.

A new hunger and thirst.
I can only be satiated by You.
Fill me like never before.

"Wake me up."

I want to do things with You, not merely for You. I yearn, oh how I yearn, for You.

"I sit here at Your feet,
I find my rest in You.
I sit here at Your feet,
I take great delight in You."

Lord God, only You satisfy.


'I will extol the Lord at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips. '
[Psalm 34:1]

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 336.

Ch. 749 - Glory Leads to Praise

I am frustrated.

...

To fully worship God with all that we have... oh, the beauty... to not hold back, to be free. Such desire. For "the dwelling place of God - it is with man." We have access to Him. Why worship Him as He is far away, as if we have to wait for Him to come to us?


' "And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all mankind together will see it." '
[Isaiah 40:5]

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 327.

Ch. 748 - He is Law

Psalm 119:161-176...

'Great peace have they who love your
law,
and nothing can make them
stumble.'
[Verse 165]

'I obey your precepts and your statutes,
for all my ways are known to you.'
[Verse 168]

'May my lips overflow with praise...
May my tongue sing of your word...'
[Verses 171a, 172a]

'I long for your salvation, O Lord...'
[Verse 174a]

Jesus said that He came not t abolish the law, but to fulfill it. In my mind, He is [the] Law. By loving Him, Law, we have "great peace". We have peace in Him and through Him, for He is Peace, just as He is Law. He is also, then, our Delight, and we long for Him and the salvation He brings... that we may be in His presence for all eternity. My lips overflow and my tongue sings, indeed! For He is the righteous Teacher. And I obey Him because I love Him. And as verse 168 says, all my ways are known to Him. There is nothing I could say or do that would be unknown. There is no point in not submitting to Him.

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 323.

Ch. 747 - Nothing Besides YOU

'... And earth has nothing I desire
besides you.'
[Psalm 73:25b]

... What a truth! Or at least, it should be a truth to us... do we truly desire "nothing" but God? Even if it was [truth], we would still be separated from Him, because we are not fully in His presence at all times here in this place. So our desire would never seem to be fulfilled. So in a way, it is good that we have these... distractions... to "desire". They will satisfy us - albeit in a meaningless fashion - until That which we should truly desire above all else can be fully appreciated in His entirety.

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 303.

Ch. 746 - 'Awake, my soul!'

Note: 'For the director of music. To the tune of "Do Not Destroy." Of David. A miktam. When he had fled from Saul into the cave.'

'My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music.
Awake, my soul!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.'
[Psalm 57:7-8]

These are beautiful verses - lyrics, really, for they are part of a song written by David. I love that he says his heart is steadfast. To me, steadfast means strong... true, loyal... it represents a perseverance... something that holds. I think David believes God has helped him in such a way that his heart has become steadfast - it was likely that it simply couldn't be helped. And he is thankful for this, which is why he desires to sing and make music before the Lord His God. Now, it is one thing to merely sing... but it is another to sing with your soul. To sing with feeling, emotion. I imagine that David is saying, "Awake, my soul!" because he wants to present to the Lord a song from his very soul. I can almost feel my own heart pound as I wait in anticipation for a new song of joy and thankfulness... of deliverance... to rise up from within me, spilling out into the cave - without hesitation, without reluctance. And I can almost hear the song bounce off the walls and ceiling, making it sound as if a multitude of sonorous voices are giving praise to the God of David, for He loves and saves. The song continues through the night, indeed awakening the dawn... Continuous praise: a sweet and pleasing aroma to the Lord.

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 281.

Ch. 745 - Lifted

Lord God, I thank You for this day. I thank You for sorrow, that it makes me feel... alive. It reminds me that Your Son knows what we, as finite beings, go through each day. And it brings me gladness to know that He is sympathetic and compassionate towards Your children. But even so, I ask that You would remind me to continuously turn to You in all things... prayer, confusion, sorrow, joy... and that I would be all the more glad that I have You to turn to. Because people do fail. People do let others down. But You, O God, do not fail, or let Your children down. You are sovereign and loving. You are glad and swift to help us up when we fall. And for this, I thank You.

Lord God, You are ever near. Right by my side. Ready. Attentive. Quick to listen, quick to wrap Your arms around me. Do I deserve these things? No... But You have bought me for a price. And I am worthy in Your sight. Praise is due You, Lord God! "I am Yours, You are mine... and we'll be together forever!" Thank You for truths that You give me to hold onto. They speak of Your greatness and holiness. There is none like You. Hallelujah, hallelujah!

Lord God, hear me. Hear my words. Hear my thoughts. Hear the songs of my spirit and soul. Give me a desire to focus on what truly matters. Help me to love others, and all the more love You. For You are good, always. Refresh me, Lord God. Break me down, rend my heart. Strip me of anything and everything that keeps me from You. Fill me up, then, so that I may know You more and be near to You. And then, O God, pour me out unto others, that they may experience Your Holy Spirit. For only You can truly fill them up, but You can use me to give them a taste... a touch. That is what I desire. Be it through joy inexpressible, encouragement, a prophetic word, a simple prayer, or some other manifestation... I want others to know and love You and Your Spirit. Lord God, You are gracious and merciful. I pray that I would be able to strengthen myself in regards to these qualities, in becoming more like Your Son.

It's in His name, always... let it be so.

Ch. 744 - Bridegroom Thoughts

These concise thoughts are the result of reading a report written by a young man named Blaise Foret. I think he's a student at IHOPU, but I could be wrong... Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about what was said in the paper and through my own reading... and I want to just get my thoughts down.

Jesus is the Bridegroom.
A husband's love for his wife surpasses his love for his children.
Or, at least it should.

Jesus coming as the Church's Bridegroom... mere language... or truth?

[Ephesians 5:22-33]

Christ: His Church
Husbands: Wives
<------------------->
One body...
Mutuality in love...

Mystery: Christ and the Church
--> Communication
--> Emotions [like fire]

Engagement... it creates a longing, a yearning... a deep desire.
[A yearning from and of the Holy Spirit...]

Our desire for the return of Christ, for the marriage to the Bridegroom, will be a "real impartation of hunger that comes from the Holy Spirit..."

[Luke 18:7-8]

A perfect marriage.
Faithful in all facets.

His presence will bring peace and rest.

The cry: "Come!"

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 271.

Ch. 743 - By and Through...

Luke 1:35
Jesus was born of the Spirit.

Luke 3:22
Jesus was baptized by the Spirit.

Luke 4:1
Jesus was filled and led by the Spirit.

Acts 10:38
Jesus did miracles through the Spirit.

Hebrews 9:14
Jesus offered himself to death through the Spirit.

Romans 8:11
Jesus rose from the dead by the Spirit.

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 255.

Ch. 742 - An Invitation

Oh, to overcome these things day after day...
Battle.
Struggle.

Apathy.
Decreasing... slowly.

Very... slowly...

But I have been given a portion of joy, albeit small.
And I am holding onto it, practically for life.

"Come to My secret, quiet place."
'But I already have, Lord God. I'm in a secret, quiet place, aren't I?'
... "No... you haven't. Come to My secret, quiet place, and step up to My table."

Who would refuse?
He loves me.


'He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love.'
[Song of Songs 2:4]

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 239.

Ch. 741- Hear My Prayer

'My God, my God, why have you
forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry out by day, but you do
not answer,
by night, and am not silent.

Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the praise of Israel.'
[Psalm 22:1-3]

Alone.
No answer.
O God, lift your daughter up.

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 226.

Ch. 740 - None but Him

'Who can say, "I have kept my heart
pure;
I am clean and without sin"?'
[Proverb 20:9]

As sad as it may be, I do believe that no one can - or will ever be able to - say this. It is something that we can and should strive for, of course. But when it comes down to it, no one is entirely pure-hearted. There is no one who can say they are clean and without sin. That is, no one but our Lord, Jesus Christ. And that gives me a hope beyond all concern and doubt and worry and fear... because I know that while I may not be able to answer the proverb's question in the affirmative on my behalf, Someone can and He has taken my sin away.

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 221.

Ch. 739 - A New Conviction

One week... much needed time off from blogging in order to figure things out for the beginning of the schoolyear... which I'm totally stoked for. It's going to be a great semester, for sure, and hopefully its greatness will carry over to the spring semester.

Anyway.

If something were to happen that would result in my not being able to go to school for the remainder of the year, I would be okay with that. If I learn nothing else than what I learned yesterday in a single class, I would be okay with that, too. Don't get me wrong... I do want to learn more. But it's as if I feel that what I speak of is truly sufficient to satisfy my desire to learn and grow. It has provided me with something that I know I can personally work on in my life and help others realize and work on as well.

This is a big deal.
Two sentences.
Conviction.
"The truth hurts."
... What a statement.
To be honest, I felt like I was punched in the stomach.
I could practically feel God twisting my heart in His hands.

But this is good.
This is very good.


'My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear.'
[Psalm 38:4]

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 216.

Ch. 738 - Radiance

'The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven.'
[Hebrews 1:3]

What a majestic and powerful God I know.

I feel so overwhelmed right now... but in a good way.
I am also very content. At peace. What a wonderful place to be.
Hmmm... thankful that my Lord God holds my life in His hands.
Pure and simple.

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 214.

Ch. 737 - A Transition

Love and be loved.
Annnd that's all I've got.


'... I love you, O Lord, my strength.'
[Psalm 18:1]

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 210.

Ch. 736 - ¡Blasphemy!

This morning I was reading in the book of Matthew and the following two verses have stayed with me throughout the day:

' "And so I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come." '
[Matthew 12:31-32]

I wonder how many people have read these and suddenly become fearful that they have blasphemed against the Holy Spirit. I personally think that you were ever to do so, you would most certainly know... And it's not truly just a case of "speaking a word" against Him. A friend of mine has put it this way: 'How many times have we spoken the Lord's name in vain?' It's okay, He forgives us. Granted, it doesn't give us an excuse to do so. But it's not the end of the world and we are not stripped of our salvation. I believe the blaspheme would be more of an outward sign, and whatever was the root thinking or feeling would become a true, personal belief. I simply cannot imagine what would cause someone to speak against the Holy Spirit and not believe, for example, in His very being or power. It's difficult to think about.

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 206.

Ch. 735 - The Ache Within

A few days ago I visited the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art in Kansas City. I really love the arts, and visiting the museum was a wonderful experience. From sculptures to photographs to paintings... I walked through the hallways and exhibit rooms with an open mind and an appreciative eye.

I always feel really comfortable in museums. I enjoy art history and find myself reading up on artists, styles and time periods, etc. from time to time; I especially like to read about my favorite artist, Henri Matisse [click here!], and fauvism. Another little-known fact about Natalie: the 'art' section of Barnes and Noble is more often than not the first section I make a beeline for when I step foot inside. When I look at works of art I feel at peace. Content. Relaxed. Of course, my mind works overtime; I am constantly asking myself questions, wondering about the artistic process and the thoughts of the artist as their hands fabricated the masterpieces that we come to see, know, and love.

So I was really excited to visit a new museum. I thoroughly enjoyed browsing the newest exhibitions, as well as collected works of the museum. Fantastic day. Thus, imagine my surprise when I walked into an extension of the Asian galleries and simply stopped. No breathing. No thinking. No moving. I just... froze. I had walked, head down, into a room painted entirely red. As I lifted my head and looked around, I saw multiple statues of Buddha surrounding me. I mean, there were literally hundreds of Buddha figures in this part of the museum. Large statues, small figurines. Heads, full bodies. And all within different styles. Paintings, too. It was... overwhelming. For a few moments, I felt... afraid. Anxious. Sad.

Aggrieved.
I felt an ache within that I am none too familiar with.

And I hated it.
I truly hated it.
That place.
That sight.

At first, I thought I couldn't handle it.

I wanted to cry.
I wanted to scream.

But instead I took a deep breath and continued onward through the sea of statues. Oh, how I longed to run from those red rooms.

So I did.
Well. Practically.
I didn't run so much as walk quickly.

Coward.

But it was okay. Because that ache turned into a rising passion, which evolved into a realization of the deep desire that I have. The desire for people to know the true God. The living God. Creator, Ruler, Master. King of Kings, Lord of Lords. The Lion, the Lamb, the Lover of all souls. That ache turned into a long-lasting fuel that I will be able to use indefinitely.

Besides, what will happen when I go to the Middle East?
Hijabs.
Mosques.
Minarets.
Calligraphy.
Constant reminders of a faith that I once claimed as my own. Downtowns of the Bible Belt have churches on every corner; I'm not going to lie - a mosque on every corner just sounds... weird. The names of Allah and Muhammad on walls and doors and windows and signs.... everywhere. Whether by muezzin or recording, heralds of the call to prayer are heard five times a day... every day.

What then?
Will I freeze up, gripped by fear and anxiety and sadness?
Will I want to run?

Or will I feel, all the more, that ache... that desire... to spread the Word of my Lord God and Savior?

Only He knows.

Regardless, I do know that I can only rely on Him, trusting Him for strength, courage, and boldness.


' "You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments." '
[Exodus 20:3-6]

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 199.

Ch. 734 - Qs With No As.

Ten days.
Another fresh start.

' "I issue a decree that in every part of my kingdom people must fear and reverence the God of Daniel. "For he is the living God and he endures forever; his kingdom will not be destroyed, his dominion will never end. He rescues and he saves; he performs signs and wonders in the heavens and on the earth. He has rescued Daniel from the power of the lions." '
[Daniel 6:26-27]

Can you imagine what the United States would be like if our president issued a decree like the one above that King Darius issued? If people truly obeyed the decree... what would America look like? Would people truly turn to the "living God" and turn away from their sin? Would they allow themselves to be refined by the fire of God? Would they live their lives for Him? Would the downtrodden find joy? How quickly would people realize that their lives have purpose? Would they grasp the true meaning of the American dream... hope? And would America become the land of the absolute free? How would people come to make a difference in the lives of citizens around the world? How many would fully devote their lives to furthering the kingdom of God? How would God use us? What would He do? What magnificent signs and wonders would He perform? How often would we see deliverance from the lions of today?

What would change?
... Anything?

Are we so far gone... so wrapped up in the lives that we lead... that this decree would mean absolutely nothing to us? Have we no fear? Do we not know the meaning of reverence? Have we forgotten how to righteously adore, honor, obey?

I do not mean to sound pessimistic or anything.
I was just reading the book of Daniel and when I came to those verses I began to ask myself questions such as these. I simply needed to get them out of my mind. Peace and blessings upon you.

......

Click here to revisit Chapter 191.