Yesterday I was talking with a couple friends while hanging out and small talk about this upcoming summer occurred - you know, if we were going to stay, what we would be doing, where we would be staying, etc. I, of course, brought up the fact that if I was accepted to summer project I wouldn't be here most of the summer; but if I wasn't accepted I'd be here [unless I decide to transfer, after all]. My goodness, that's all I talk about these days - summer project and transferring.
Anyway, a friend asked if the summer project is what I had told her about earlier, and I said yes. She said, "You really want to go, don't you?" I replied, "More than anything." She just said, "Yeah," and I then continued, "I feel such a desire in my heart to go - but also that it's what God wants me to do... honestly, I'm afraid that if I'm not accepted that I'll lose a lot of faith in God."
Immediately after I said that I thought to myself, 'Did I really just say that?'
I felt horrid. I still do. It was just one of those things that I didn't think about at all - it simply spilled out. I usually think about what I'm going to say before I say it - but this has happened a few times before, where I don't realize what I've said until after I've said it... but when reflecting upon it I realize I truly meant it.
Do I truly mean it this time? Do I believe that I'd lose faith in God just because of a summer project rejection?
It means so much to me. And I'm putting my trust in God that this is what He wants me doing [this summer]. I could be doing anything else. I could go on a roadtrip like I've been wanting to. I could go to Cornerstone and Sonshine. I could wait around in Iowa for a few weeks to simply wait for my sister to have her baby. I could sit at home all summer, working on nothing but my tan... or, of course, working at The Arc's Summer Day Program again (which I do admit I will miss dearly). I could assure my grandparents that I'd be at their 50th wedding anniversary celebration. But I asked for Him to show me a way to serve Him, and He led me to summer project through speakers at Cru, one of my small groups' leaders, and beautiful stories of witnessing from last summer's projects. I want it. And I want to believe that He wants it for me...
......
My God, why am I doubting you?
Am I making this out to be a much bigger deal than it truly is?
A drama queen, always.
I have, after all, been thinking about how much I miss the stage.
But I don't know what's wrong with me.
This isn't right.
Something is simply... off.
Hear me, Father.
I need You.
I come to you on my knees, a willing servant.
Guide me in my decisions, in all I say and do.
My heart longs to give you glory and praise.
It's all for You, God.
Help me put others before myself.
Let me be last.
I love You, God, and thank You for all You've blessed me with.
Let me live today in Your name, using this day to worship You.
I pray these things in Your Son's most precious and holy name.
Amen.
'And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.'
[Colossians 1:10-12]
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