I give up.
I am so tired of trying to figure everything out. It is such a mystery to me and I'm tired of trying to solve it. I wish I had never come to Utah at this point. I had gone back to thinking about transferring yesterday - and maybe I will after all. Today pushed me pretty close to the edge. Two more steps and I'm gone.
What does it all mean?
Is it a spiritual connection that is supposed to bring us closer to God together? Are we meant to be more than friends? Should we really think about going into ministry together - or at least attending the same graduate school/seminary? I simply have no idea.
The last time this happened he said, "Don't dwell on it." I didn't listen. I didn't care. Now I'm really taking that to heart and trying my best not to, but it's easier said than done. I promised myself that I wouldn't talk about any of this not only to him, but also her anymore... that I'd just give it all to God. I don't want to bother them anymore. That's how I feel. Bothersome. But I've come to find that is one of the most difficult things to do for me. I want to be able to talk to someone about it all; I want to bounce ideas and thoughts off of them and get immediate response and advice. That's not always how it works with God. I pray about it a lot, but I'm tired of doing so. Not of praying, but praying about this situation and not getting anything. I simply don't know where to go with it or what to do.
I just pray that God will give me peace of mind and insight into... everything. Oh, how I wish He would simply reveal it all in layman's terms. That'd be wonderful.
Until then...
I do, indeed, give up.
'Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my cry for mercy. In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me.'
[Psalm 86:6-7]
1 comment:
Your honesty is very inspiring, especially for someone who follows God. Usually we tend to want everyone to think we always have it all together. And I think that your first line is making God smile the most. "I give up." I bet He is pretty excited when we finaly get to the end of ourselves & are even willing to admit it! Good move!
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