Ch. 87 - God is Good

I'm going home for the remainder of the summer.

I'll be attending CCCB next year.

And that's that!


'I love you, O Lord, my strength.'
[Psalm 18:1]

Ch. 86 - Weighted Down

I want to transfer.
Again.

To the same school I wanted to transfer to a few months ago, Central Christian College of the Bible (which is in Moberly, Missouri).

I don't know what's wrong with me! Even when I took that... ummm, hiatus... I kept thinking about it. I was so sure that I wanted to stay here. And my parents are going to kill me, I'm pretty sure. But I don't think I'd mind, because then I wouldn't have to feel guilty anymore and there would be no more making billions of decisions (see my 'Side Notes' blog...). Plus I'd get to be with Jesus. Always a good thing.

If I was so sure that I'm supposed to be here, why does this come up again? Why do I feel so torn? I don't usually like to even joke around with saying things like, "Why does God torture me like this?!" but I'm at that point, currently, and I think I can afford to be pessimistic once in a while.

I don't think this is for me, after all. I don't want to work for the government. Neither do I want to teach English or Arabic. Or work in hospitals or other private sector areas. I want to know the Bible inside and out. I want to know everything there is to know about God and His qualities, Jesus, His life, His disciples, His teachings. I want to learn theology, Christian principles and history. I could try to teach myself as much as I could, but I know myself better than that. I need structure. I need discipline. Why not go to school to learn what I want to learn, have that structure and discipline, truly, truly, truly love what I'm doing and get a degree out of it? I want to focus all of my attention on this. It's like I need to or else I'll go crazy.

I need to answer this call.
I kept saying "I'm staying, I'm home."
I kept saying "I'm at peace with my decision."
But was I really?
I think that by saying I was I was trying to get myself to think that I was.
If I don't go now, I may regret not doing so in the future.
So I'm going to say it again.
I need to answer this call.

I want to fully serve God.
I want to share His Word.
I want to share His Love.
I want to help people.
I want to share my faith.
I want to build up His Kingdom.
I want to go on missions.

Biblical Studies and Cross-Cultural Ministry at CCCB.
It's perfect.

I've used this Bible verse before, but I will never hesitate to use it again:


' "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." '
[Jeremiah 29:11-13]

(Context, schmontext.)

Ch. 85 - Work It!

Good works are nice.
If you have the right intention, that is.
[You know. Wanting to please God - and only God.]
But they don't get you into heaven.


'But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved.'
[Ephesians 2:4-5]

Ch. 84 - A Love/Hate Thing

As I was hauling myself back and forth across town yesterday between the driver license division building, social security office and my dorm, I had a lot of time to sit, think and read. And sit some more. While in the social security office I let my Bible fall open and it came to the beginning of Ecclesiastes. I started reading from the beginning. As I began chapter three, titled 'A Time for Everything', I became excited because the first eight verses of this chapter are one of my favorite groups of verses in the Bible.

So I began to read.

'There's a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:'
'... a time to be born and a time to die...'
'... a time to weep and a time to laugh...'
'... a time to search and a time to give up...'

Then I came to the eighth verse.

'... a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.'

A time to hate?

I had never taken this verse into consideration or even cared that it said there is a time to hate.

I decided to look a bit deeper into this, because for some reason it struck me pretty hard and I couldn't stop thinking about it. This is what I found, thanks to the Blue Letter Bible:

Ecclesiastes 3:8 is interconnected with Luke 14:26 -

' "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot be my disciple." '

Hm. Picture this. Some angsty tenth grader, whose passion and mission in life is hating the world, is being forced to read the Bible by their mom - who thinks that it will do the kid some good. Amazingly enough, they actually do it. They come to this verse in Luke. A light goes on, a grin slowly spreads across their face and they immediately go find their mom. "Mom, guess what?! Jesus told me to hate my family." Now that their self-allowance of speaking ten words a month has been reached, they go running off to do whatever it is that angsty tenth graders do these days.

The thing is, the kid didn't care about what Jesus was saying. First of all, the topic of discipleship is a big deal. To be a disciple of Christ - to follow in His footsteps - is an honor. And I don't think it's to be taken lightly. Secondly, this verse can't be taken literally. Its true meaning is actually the opposite of what it seems to say. This verse speaks of love.

You should love God so much that love for your family and self seems like hate. Only when your love for God is greater than your love for anyone or anything else can you be a true disciple of Christ.

Love God.
Transform.
Give it up.
Carry your cross.
Follow Jesus.
Be a disciple.


'If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.'
[1 John 4:15-16]

......

Ch. Eighty-Three, Part Two:

I like the fact that this post started with explaining my curiosity of what 'a time to hate' means... and ended with the focus not on hate at all, but instead on love. This is fascinating to me, because once I'm interested in something and want to learn about it, most of my time, energy and focus goes into whatever that 'something' is until I either, a) have learned all that I can or b) am satisfied with what I've learned. So this time, when I'm actually interested in hate, it turns a 180 on me and I end up learning about love. As Phil, my youth pastor in Iowa, likes to say, "It's a God thing."

Ch. 83 - Faith

"True faith is never found alone; it is accompanied by expectation."
- C.S. Lewis

A few months ago at Cru, we were given pieces of paper with quotes on them. There were five different quotes, and this is the first I'd like to focus on. I'm really glad that I kept these little slips of paper; I had pinned them up on my desk's bulletin board that night after Cru and they remained there even when I was walking away from Christ. When I was moving to the summer dorm I took them down and put them in my memory box. I just put them up on my board yesterday and I keep reading them again and again and again.

"True faith is never found alone; it is accompanied by expectation."

The first thing that comes to my mind when I read or say this is a verse from Hebrews:

'Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.'
[Hebrews 11:1, NASB]

The first time I had truly heard and read this verse was a couple years ago. Our head pastor, Harlan, was giving the sermon and he had the congregation repeat this verse a good ten times throughout his sermon. He believes it to be one of those verses that we should all have memorized. And I agree.

Harlan used the NASB (New American Standard Bible) translation and I'm glad. It has a nice ring to it, you know? So this is the version that I have committed to memory. However, the NIV (New International Version) translation works better with the quote, I think:

'Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.'
[Hebrews 11:1, NIV]

Expectation is found alongside faith. We will set expectations from our God through our faith. We will expect God to do. To give. To love. To speak. To heal. To forgive. But is it all of a shallow faith? To have faith in a God whom we believe will do anything for us - going through the motions, expecting something from Him all the time. We have to expect things from God. If we want to be forgiven, we have to ask for it while thoroughly believing that He will forgive us. Otherwise what's the point of asking?

"Hey God. Umm... I kind of need you to forgive me for what I said yesterday. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. I mean, you don't have to. And if you can't, that's ok. Like, it's no big deal, you know? But yeah. Sweet. Uhh, 'nJesusnameIprayAmen."

This is not the way to go about it. First of all, if you say that God doesn't have to, then why are you asking in the first place? Secondly, who are you to question whether God can do something? He can do anything! And He's done everything by giving us His Son. Even so, He doesn't expect anything from us but belief and love. Yet He still wants to share in our hopes and our failures and our dreams and our misfortunes and yes, our expectations. We can give it all to Him if we so desire.

If you have anything on your heart right now - whatever it may be - I challenge you to share it with God. Know - expect - that He is listening and that He cares.


'The desire of the righteous ends only in good, but the hope of the wicked only in wrath.'
[Proverb 11:23]

......

Ch. Eighty-Two, Part Two:

After I finished writing this post, I went to www.christnotes.com because all of a sudden it just came into my head; I hadn't visited this site for about two and a half months. I checked the Daily Bible Verse, and guess what it was?

Hebrews 11:1,3

I just laughed and laughed and laughed when I saw that.

[Verse 3 says: 'By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.']

Ch. 82 - Forever

Our God is strong.

His Word is strong.

Faithful.
Enduring.
Wise.

Don't forget that.
Ever.


'The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.'
[Isaiah 40:8]

Ch. 81 - A Simple Reminder

JESUS
JESUS
JESUS
JESUS
JESUS
JESUS
JESUS
JESUS

He is everything.
I am nothing without Him.


'Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him." '
[John 14:6-7]

Ch. 80 - Today

Today was good.
Not great.
Good.
Simple.

The day went by neither quickly nor slowly, but certainly nice-and-easy. The sun was shining. I noticed new, green life peeking through the surface of soil patches. And the couch I sat on in the SLC library was really comfortable.

What more could I ask for, right?

I laughed a lot today. It wasn't the "Ohhh-gosh-my-stomach-is-killing-me-from-laughing-so-hard" kind of laughter, but it was laughter. And after the past couple of weeks I really needed that.

I feel happy again.
It's about time.

......

Ch. 79 - Truths

I love hearing God through people. Sometimes I let those people know, sometimes I keep the knowledge for myself.

I love questions that make me think. Really think. I love questions that - even though they've made me think and think and think, and I believe I've finally come up with an answer - will never have an absolute answer. You can argue about ideas all you want and think that you've come to a resolution at the end of the day, but does it matter? Some questions you will never have the answer to. You can have a good idea, sure, but the only One who truly knows the answer is God. Better start making your list now. It's not like you have eternity to think of all the questions you want to ask, after all.

... Right.

I love hearing truths about myself through other people. It doesn't matter if I already know about them or not, or if they're 'good' truths or not. I still find it interesting to hear what other people see in or think of me, especially because it doesn't happen often.

"You're so stubborn."
Tell me about it.

I love talking about something as if it's a secret - even though it's not.

"Tell me something you don't want to tell me right now."
Now that's vulnerability.
So I told him a few things.
Last night, I wanted to scream - just to scream.
I've felt that before.
I'll feel it again.
So I assure you my promise to you will be kept.
I don't like myself.
Do I love myself? Yes.
Not as much as I'd like to, yet I do.
But I don't like myself.
I am subdued.
I miss being colorful.
Read Shakespeare's As You Like It - Act II, Scene VII, lines 139-140.
That's how I used to feel.

But God loves me as I am. He loves me where I am. So why change?


' "... the Father himself loves you... " '
[John 16:27]

Ch. 78 - Godliness and Evil

'But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.'
[1 Timothy 6:6-10]

4. May 2010 Edit:

It is saddening to see what turning away from God can do to someone.
To their health.
Their happiness.
Their family.
Their faith.
Their life.
Especially when they have turned away on the account of greed and envy and jealousy. I think it is incredibly difficult to learn how to be content. And I do think it is something to be learned, because of the times we live in. We can never have enough. We want more. We want bigger and better. We want flashy. We want expensive. We want "priceless".

But we should be desiring the things in this life which are truly priceless... such as love and grace from our Lord God. Salvation. Eternal life.

We can never have enough love.
We should want more of it.
And learn to be truly content with what God gives us.

Ch. 77 - Hypocritical Liar

I showered.

Ch. 76 - Lookin' Good!

I have not showered since Saturday.

Saturday evening, granted, but still.

Saturday.

I wasn't even planning on showering today, but I am very hungry and need food. This means I need to either a) go to the grocery store, or b) go over to the HC. Either way, getting food means 'going' somewhere. I have some food in my room I could eat. But I really want a sandwich from the sandwich-lady and some delectable Caesar salad, which I have only just discovered a couple weeks ago and can't get enough of.

Which means I need to shower.

But I wasn't planning on showering today.

It's good for your hair to let the natural oils flow from your scalp for a few days, at least once a month.

But guess what?

It's not acceptable in our society to have greasy hair and smell nothing like roses or peaches and cream. People cringe. They take a couple steps away, oh-so-discreetly. They make gestures that I'm sure they don't consider rude, like pinching their noses and turning their heads a complete 180 degrees away from the offensive factors (I've seen people do this, mostly on TRAX, not going to lie).

It's sad.

Now, chances are people wouldn't treat me like that. I have clean clothes. I can at least wash my face. I really don't smell, honestly. And no, I'm not trying to convince myself that I don't.

So here I am, torn. I don't want to shower every day now, because it wastes water. And seriously people, natural oil. Hello. You know, some people don't have the chance to but maybe once a week - I know for many, even less. But I want to shower almost more than once a day, because I am so fortunate that I can if I want to. And it's college. I don't have to pay the water bill. I don't want to take it for granted. But then I feel bad, because it's true. Many people out there can't. Or don't even have indoor plumbing available to them on the street. Ever think about the African bush? No indoor plumbing, I'm pretty sure. Yet the Maasai do just fine without it.

Nope.
Not showering.
There's snow on the ground.
I can get away with wearing a hat.
And some deodorant.
That's always a good idea.
And "you're never fully dressed without a smile."
I can't believe I just quoted Annie.
Forgive me.

Honestly, though. God loves all of His children - just as they are. It doesn't matter if they shower four times a day or four times a year. He does not have more love for one over another.


'Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.'
[1 Peter 3:3-4]

......

Ch. Seventy-Six, Part Two:

My title is part of a comedy routine by Sinbad from 1989. It's a big joke within our family. Love it. Love, love, love it.

"Gurrrl! Yo' hair be lookin' good! Whattcho been doin'?"
"Oh, I just been washin' it, conditionin' it."

Ch. 75 - Again

I didn't go to The Mount tonight.

Again.

I'm sleeping, instead.

Horrible.

Absolutely, positively horrible.


'Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching.'
[Hebrews 10:25]

Ch. 74 - Raise Up

I need to stop.

Here I am, complaining every day.

When in reality I have nothing to complain about.

I have friends.
I have family.
I have God.
I am loved.
And I love.
I have education.
I have rights.
I have life.

Feeling sorry for myself gets me nowhere in life.
Feeling sorry for myself makes me selfish.
Feeling sorry for myself lets me give up.

And to me, giving up in that sense is surrendering.

I don't want to surrender.
At least not for anything, or anyone, but God.


' "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." ' ... ' "You know the way to the place where I am going." '
[John 14:1,4]

Ch. 73 - Revelation

Where to begin, where to begin?

Actually, what I have to say isn't that complicated.
I simply like to say, "Where to begin, where to begin?"

A couple weeks ago I had an interesting dream. Basically, I dreamed the book of Revelation. Start to finish - from John being on the island of Patmos to the multitude in white robes worshiping God... from the sounding of the seven trumpets to the fall of Babylon. It was incredibly vivid. Very surreal. Having read the book of Revelation enough times before, and then having read it a couple times after, I saw that my dream was very, very accurate to the book.

You know, I love the book of Revelation. It is, quite possibly, my favorite book of the Bible. I've been doing a lot of study on it recently; it's positively fascinating. Every time I read it I 'see' something new. Something different stands out.

One part of my dream that really stood out was the immense amount of death. And suffering. And pain. And loss. It was horrible, really. I don't really like to think about it, but I know that it has to happen.

Just so you can wrap your minds around it, I'll give you some numbers.

The earth's population is approximately 6.7 billion. When the fourth seal is opened, a quarter of the earth's population will be killed. When the sixth trumpet is sounded, a third of the earth's population will be killed. Here are the first set of numbers:

.25 x 6.7 billion = 1.675 billion deaths
.33 x 6.7 billion = 2.23 billion deaths
1.675 billion + 2.23 billion = 3.905 billion deaths

I looked up some populations on earth, and 3.905 billion happens to be the approximate population of Asia. So imagine - all of Asia - gone. Wiped off the face of the earth.

Now, when I was calculating these numbers, I didn't think about the fact that the third of the population that would be killed would be of the 'new' population once the quarter of the original population had been killed. So here's what the real numbers would be:

.25 x 6.7 billion = 1.675 billion deaths
6.7 billion - 1.675 billion = 5.025 billion
.33 x 5.025 billion = 1.675 billion deaths
1.675 billion + 1.675 billion = 3.35 billion deaths

3.35 billion deaths. Amazing. 3.35 billion is half of the original population, 6.7 billion. Half of the people of this earth - gone. It's interesting that Asia holds more than half the earth's population. Fun fact: Did you know that India will soon take over China's rank as the most populous country? Well, I mean, 'soon' means in thirty-two years. I thought that was interesting, too.

It's just a reminder of how powerful our Almighty God is and that He can do whatever He wants. He doesn't have to be just. He doesn't have to be kind. He doesn't have to be merciful. He is. But He doesn't have to be. We are blessed to be so loved.


'The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with the work of Satan displayed in all kinds of counterfeit miracles, signs and wonders, and in every sort of evil that deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved.'
[2 Thessalonians 2:9-10]

Ch. 72 - An Accumulation

I've written before about not realizing something is true until after I've said it. This happened again this past Tuesday, but I was realizing things were true as I was saying them, not after. I had gone to the diversity dialogues; the topic was spirituality and religious beliefs so I figured it'd be really interesting, which it was.

I love listening to people speak about their beliefs, views and opinions; I find so many people's thoughts to be fascinating.

After the dialogue I headed up to Ute-Nited with Katie and Chongkai. It was 'over' but it was at the point where people were still hanging around. No real 'talk' or 'debate' had started yet, but I knew that would come soon. Sure enough, it picks up and we're talking about communion. Really meaningful. I'm not going to get into that, though.

Story time.

Things wrap up and people are chatting a bit. I'm with Kastin and Carly. Laughing. Having a good time. I go to throw my water bottle away and he bounds over chairs, yelling my name. I tell him I'm not leaving, but to him that doesn't matter. Time for a hug. We chat a bit. He starts asking questions [I haven't been around lately.]. That's when small talk turns into an unforeseen avowal.

That's when I realized how many things were bothering me, even though I hadn't acknowledged or even recognized them before. I don't often let people know how I'm feeling. I tend to bottle things up inside and even when I reach the boiling point I spill over onto paper or a running trail.

When I begin to let him in on everything that's been going on, it's like we're both finding out for the first time. I cry. I've said it before, I'm going to say it again: I cry rarely.

For some twisted reason, it's like a source of pride for me.

Why?

I haven't the faintest idea. I mean, it's not like I have some 'tough-girl' image to maintain.

So when those tears fell, imagine my surprise. One thing after another came out of my mouth, without giving thought to what I was saying. No hesitation. But it was difficult. That... chat... was by no means enjoyable. Until the end - which was uplifting. Thank God for simple words.

"Jesus has your back."

The entire ordeal was like a psalm. Starting a few weeks ago, technically, and ending today: there's the complaining... crying out to God... a supplication, perhaps... and then the turn-around point, laying it all at the foot of the cross... praising God... giving thanks.

It's time to give up again. I can't hold on to everything to try and figure it out. Sometimes that simply doesn't work.

God likes to get his point across in a lot of different ways, that's for sure.


'And now, my daughter, don't be afraid. I will do for you all you ask.'
[Ruth 3:11]

This is Boaz speaking to Ruth after she asks that he cover her with his garment because he is a kinsman-redeemer. He tells her that he will do so because she is a virtuous woman and even the townsmen know she is a woman of noble character. But as I was reading today, I really felt God was speaking to me through this verse. '... my daughter...' Beautiful.

Ch. 71 - A Beautiful Truth

I have nothing to say.

Okay.

That's a lie.

But just because I admit it's a lie doesn't mean I'm going to actually say anything. Er, write anything.

Tomorrow.


'A cheerful heart is good medicine...'
[Proverbs 17:22]

Ch. 70 - The Confession

I am broken.

My heart's still beating.

But it hurts.


'But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.'
[Jeremiah 17:7-8]

Ch. 69 - A Miracle?

My mom sent me some yarn and knitting needles in her last box. I had never taken an interest in knitting in the past, so I was surprised to find them in there. At the same time, I was excited. One of the reasons I had never shown interest in learning how to knit is that I knew how impatient I was. I didn't want to take the time to sit down and learn, because I knew I would be learning by making mistake after mistake. But I thought I'd give it a shot. I'd say I spent a good three hours learning how to do the cast-on stitch.

You know what?

Those three hours were spent in complete and utter patience and peace. I didn't furrow my brow in frustration. I didn't discard the needles in disgust. When things didn't go exactly as... planned... I simply started over - again and again and again and again.

So you'll have to forgive me when I say that I believe those eighteen stitches are the most beautiful stitches the world of knitting has ever known.

God really is teaching me patience.


'Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.'
[Romans 5:3]

Ch. 68 - Praise God!

He is risen!


'On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee; 'The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.' " Then they remembered his words.'
[Luke 24:1-8]

Ch. 67 - Rested, but...

I wanted this week to be so good for me.

I tried.
I really did.

But I realized that although I am rested, I am not refreshed.

So I keep thinking,

'Jesus, lover of my soul -
Jesus, I will never let you go.'

It helps.


'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!'
[2 Corinthians 5:17]

I need this. So much.

Ch. 66 - Living a Lie

Die in self. Live in Christ.

I thought I had. I thought I was.

Help.


'Jesus Christ was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.'
[Romans 4:25]

Ch. 65 - Vibrant Verbs

We strive to know God's character as best we can. But sometimes it's really difficult to even begin to try to fathom who He is. Even when it seems to be laid out in front of us, plain as day, we can't seem to wrap our minds around Him as well as we'd like to.

I finished reading The Organic God by Margaret Feinberg. Brilliant. I highly recommend it. In the last chapter, .010 Deeply Mysterious, Feinberg gives a list of things God does for us - according to the Bible. They're simple, two-word phrases (save one phrase). Better yet, she lists them in alphabetical order... always a good thing in my book.

God answers. Isaiah 58:9
God bestows. Proverbs 8:21
God blesses. Deuteronomy 14:29
God blots. Isaiah 43:25
God calls. 1 Thessalonians 4:7
God cares. Nahum 1:7
God cleanses. Jeremiah 33:8
God clothes. Isaiah 61:10
God corrects. Job 5:17
God counsels. Psalm 32:8
God covers. Psalm 91:4
God cuts off. John 15:1-2
God delights. Zephaniah 3:17
God delivers. Psalm 37:40
God detests. Deuteronomy 25:16
God disciplines. Proverbs 3:12
God encourages. Psalm 10:17
God fills. Job 8:21
God forgives. 1 John 1:9
God gathers. Deuteronomy 30:4
God gives. Matthew 11:28
God guards. Psalm 97:10
God guides. Psalm 73:24
God heals. Hosea 14:4
God hears. Psalm 69:33
God helps. Psalm 37:40
God holds. Psalm 73:23
God increases. Deuteronomy 7:13
God keeps. Deuteronomy 7:9
God knows. Matthew 6:8
God leads. Isaiah 42:16
God lifts. Psalm 146:8
God listens. Psalm 10:17
God loves. Psalm 37:28
God opens. Deuteronomy 28:12
God pours. Isaiah 44:3
God preserves. Psalm 41:2
God protects. Psalm 41:2
God provides. Psalm 111:5
God purifies. 1 John 1:9
God rejoices. Isaiah 62:5
God remembers. Psalm 111:5
God rescues. Psalm 91:14
God restores. Psalm 71:20
God rewards. Proverbs 19:17
God satisfies. Psalm 132:15
God saves. Isaiah 49:25
God speaks. Isaiah 30:21
God strengthens. Isaiah 40:29
God sustains. Psalm 55:22
God teaches. Isaiah 54:13
God upholds. Psalm 37:24
God watches. Genesis 28:15
God works. Romans 8:28
God wounds. Job 5:18

This list made a really big impact on me. It was yet another reminder of how big and small our God is. As I was reading these in The Organic God I was surprised at a couple: God cuts off and God wounds. I couldn't recall where these were in the Scriptures, so I was excited to see that Feinberg had included, in the back of her book, the list with where they could be found in the Bible. Context is key in a lot of cases regarding Scripture and that includes where in the Bible it says God 'cuts off' and God 'wounds.'


' "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." '
[1 John 15:1-2; emphasis my own]

'Blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal.'
[Job 5:18; emphasis my own]

Ch. 64 - Cray

I love to pray.

I love to cry.

I pray often.

I cry rarely.
So when I do, it's usually a big deal.

However, I must admit that I do cry a lot when I laugh. It just sort of happens. Whatever I'm laughing at doesn't even have to be very funny - and I don't have to have been laughing for a long time. Seven seconds of laughing? Tears well up. Fifteen seconds of laughing? A couple of tears roll down my cheeks. Twenty-two seconds of laughing? It will look like I've been bawling. If you've ever seen Steel Magnolias, there's a part at the end where the character Truvy says, "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion." I think it's the other way around for me; I just love tears through laughter.

Going back to praying and crying...

Now, you can let a few tears fall and call it crying, or you can go the whole nine yards and let tears stream down your face, sob, perhaps utter a few incomprehensible words... you know - cry out, really. So when you cry out while you're praying, you're craying. I've crayed only twice ever: a good month and a half, two months ago, and last night. It just sort of happens. Partly out of self-pity, anger with people [and God, believe it or not] and feeling distant from God. I love simply crying out to God in anguish and fear and desperation. Both times I've done this I've felt so much better afterwards and so at peace. The self-pity and anger take flight and I do, in fact, feel closer to God. It's really a splendid feeling when it's all said and done.

The Bible tells us that it is ok to cry out to God. The Bible also tells us that God hears every prayer and that He will answer our prayers. Even Jesus cried out to God.

'About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" - which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" '
[Matthew 27:46]

A few weeks ago I did a personal study of Psalm 86. It's a supplication for help against the psalmist's enemies. But it also gives praise to God. First, the psalmist offers his plea to God and gives reasons as to why his prayer should be heard. Then he gives praise to God. Next he gives a description of his enemies and God, making promises to follow God and praise him if He helps him. The last three verses are a conjunction of the first three parts, an amplification of his plea.

This psalm is now easily one of my favorites. It taught me a lot. God wants it all. And we shouldn't be afraid to give everything to Him. I think it pleases Him more than anything when we want to do this. I believe he wants to share in our joys... our sorrows... our troubles... our excitement... our anger. He simply wants to be a part of our lives. When we let Him in, He gives back. He will listen to our cries for mercy (Psalm 86:6). He will teach us His ways and give us undivided hearts (Psalm 86:11). He will answer us - help us - love us.

I am so blessed to have a God that cares for me as much as I know He does, and to have a God that I know is always there for me... and to have a God that I know listens to me, whether I am thinking quiet thoughts about Him or craying loudly to Him.


'I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way.'
[Psalm 142:1-3]

Ch. 63 - Let US

'Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." '
[Genesis 1:26; emphasis my own]

'But the Lord came down to see the city and the tower that the men were building. The Lord said, "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other." '
[Genesis 11:5-7; emphasis my own]

US.

Ch. 62 - Drive Out Fear

I realized something today.

I am just like those kids in Matt's Sunday school class.

Here's a comparison for you.

Natalie:Ute-Nited as Youth:Sunday school

And honestly, any time that includes sharing my faith and beliefs can be substituted for Ute-Nited.

I always want to share. But do I? No.

It's been two and a half months since I've made the resolution to become more comfortable in sharing my faith with fellow believers and I am failing horribly in doing so.

What am I so afraid of?!

Sounding stupid?
I should be used to that.
Disagreement?
That is unavoidable.

I could go on for hours on certain topics; examples include:

Christianity versus Islam
The book of Revelation
Parable discussion
The idea of the Rapture
Spiritual gifts

But it's not like I'm going to sit down and say, "Okay, this is what we're talking about this time. No ifs, ands, or buts about it." I can't do that.

I really need to just step out of my comfort zone and force myself to speak up. Immerse myself in the Word. Pray.

I must say, though, that I thoroughly enjoy simply sitting and listening to what people say. I watch, I listen and I follow-up in my Bible. This is how I learn best, it seems.

'So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
[Hebrews 13:6]

Ch. 61 - Getting Across

Today I went to MOPC with Spencer [who played at the 11:00 service] so I could go to a Palm Sunday service. We had to go early because he had to rehearse with the rest of the group, so I was there a good hour and a half before service. I had planned on simply spending the time in the prayer room, but then Spencer reminded me that Matt would be there. I sent a couple texts Matt's way and before I knew it I was following him to the youth room; he teaches Sunday school to the senior-hi.

At one point last week we had gotten together to chat and he brought up that he had been asked by Jamie to go over things that aren't exactly talked about often in youth groups. Last week it had been death, the week before, homosexuality. This week the topic was disability and value.

Having worked with both kids and adults who have mental and physical disabilities over the past few years (including the Toronto mission trip), I thought it would be really interesting to hear what Matt would say and how the youth would respond. Well, that 'thought' sort of backfired, if you will, because as it turns out, these kids do not speak up during Sunday school. They were chatty Cathies beforehand, of course. There were a few who would bring something up now and then, but it looked as if doing so was painful, actually. It was sad. I understood that in regards to speaking about people with disabilities, some of these kids may not have had much interaction with disabled people, but when one in five Americans have a disability of some sort, that's hard to believe. Going on to value and how we, as a society, judge others based on a number of things - but especially on what they do or do not have to contribute - you would think that this would be easy to talk about in a group of high schoolers.

Nope.

Matt asked who had been touched by the idea of valuing people more than others because of money, talent, skills, looks, etc. Not one person in that room did not raise their hand. Everybody has either felt valued based on something they have or by comparison to others, or have judged and valued others based on X factor.

So why wouldn't these kids speak up?

I know it wasn't because I was there; Matt told me it's like this every week. And every week he gives this little speech on how he gets what they're talking about. He knows it inside and out. Yet when he tries to help them know it and understand it, they don't respond. Maybe they are getting something out of it, but choose not to show it. But what if what he is saying simply goes in one ear and out the other? That's how it seems, obviously.

It's not like this with every group of high schoolers. I think it was Landon who said that his group - the kids who have graduated within the past two years - would never shut up.

That's how I wish it were.

I wish that if you were in that class, you would practically not be able to get a word in. You would if you wanted to, sure - but you would have to wait your turn to do so.

After church I found myself thinking, 'This is probably an unfair analysis, but it seems like something's a bit off. If Matt has to give that 'speech' every week, and the kids continue to simply sit as stones of silence... this isn't good.'

But who am I to judge?

At least he's trying. I can't say the same of me - as much as I would like to be able to, I can't at this point in time. Oh, how I miss teaching Sunday school and working with youth... I hope I can fill that void in my life really soon.

And at least they're there. I started teaching Sunday school because I refused to go to senior-hi Sunday school. Yet looking back, whenever I was there I got something out of it. I learned. I grew.

But you know, God can do anything. Ask and you will receive. Expect great things.


'If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.'
[John 15:7]

Ch. 60 - Sprin-g-Row

Spring. Grow.

At Cru this past Thursday the speaker, Rick, gave us a sheet to follow for spring break. For each of the nine days there is a theme, bible verses to read and possible activities corresponding to the theme. We were to ask nine people if we could pray about anything for them. We can take notes for each day if we'd like.

Today was the first day; the theme was serve. The Bible verses were Mark 10:42-45, 2 Corinthians 4:5 and Philippians 2:3-4. I decided to clean Darcy and Katie's room a bit... just some vacuuming (I love to vacuum, is that weird?), taking out of the trash and recycling, some light dusting (I also love dusting) and cleaning the tops of their desks and dressers. Oh! I also lint-rolled Darcy's black chair, because I love to lint roll as well.

Yes, I'm a freak.

Now that that's been confirmed, I must say that I love serving. You can serve in so many ways. There are many people who need a hand or two - why not offer yours? We are called to be the least by serving not only those who are the greatest, but also those who are considered the least.


'Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.'
[Philippians 2:3-4]

Ch. 59 - Taking the Time

There are seven religions of the world that are the most accounted for:

1. Christianity - 33.32% of the world's population
2. Islam - 21.01%
3. Hinduism - 13.26%
4. Buddhism - 5.84%
5. Sikhism - .35%
6. Judaism - .23%
7. Baha'i Faith - .12%

"Other religions" make up 11.78%.
"Non-religious people" make up 11.77%.
"Atheists" make up for 2.32%.

I like to believe that I know more about Christianity than the average Joe.
I know a lot about Islam. A lot.
I don't know much about Hinduism.
I don't know much about Buddhism.
I don't know anything about Sikhism.
I know a bit about Judaism.
I don't know much about the Baha'i Faith.

I think it's important to be knowledgeable of other religions and belief systems to a reasonable extent. You don't have to be an expert on anything, really. Just take the time to brush up on basic facts and beliefs - especially if you're interested in apologetics... which, I must add, is the newest love of my life.


'But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.'
[1 Peter 3:15]

Ch. 58 - Random, R-r-random

Alright. Now that I'm over myself and the pity party has ended, life continues.

Cru was really great tonight. I had a nice chat with Keith Phinney. I had never really spoken to him before, but he's a really cool guy. He may help me design a major for ministry here at the U. How great would that be? I led prayer beforehand since Jessica is in Swaziland and it went well - very easy and simple. There were only a few of us there, so that was nice. The topic for the evening was peripatology, or the study of Christian living (our faith walk). A friend of Keith's came and spoke, his name was Rick and he's such a neat person. I really enjoyed listening to what he had to stay. To sum it up: stay immersed in the Word; be intentional; remember the acrostic (acronym) STAB - and seek out other believers; encourage one another.

STAB stands for this:

Success
Tired
Alone
Bored

When you are successful, temptation comes knocking on your door.
When you are tired, you will most likely let your guard down.
When you are alone, your walk in Christ may not be a priority or anything.
When you are bored, you may seek out things that are not of God.

After Cru I was talking with Charlie and Carly about churches (Capitol and K2) and their worship services. I'm such a traditional girl. I love my Methodist traditional services. I haven't been to any traditional services here in Salt Lake, except for when Katie and I went to the Greek Orthodox church. I love The Mount, don't get me wrong. It's just so casual.

I miss my church.
I miss getting dressed up for church.
I miss listening to our beautiful organ in service.
I miss singing hymns.
I miss those times of congregational unison.
I miss playing bells in service.
I miss seeing what happens during Star Choir - the preschool choir - performances.
I miss observing the look of awe (or is it terror?) on kid's faces when Phil does the children's message.
I miss praying while looking at the huge, mounted cross behind the pulpit.
I miss the Peace of Christ.
I miss the making of communion serving so much more complicated than it really has to be.
I miss the occasional performance by the men's choir.
I miss our simple, yet beautiful rounded sanctuary, with its wheat design stained glass windows that were put in upside-down.
Yes indeed, I miss my church and traditional service.

I took it for granted so often - and now that I'm appreciative of what it offers and how much I can get out of it, I'm not there to do so. The best part of winter break was going to multiple church services and teaching Sunday school - which I've also missed. I was so excited for May to come, because I'd be able to attend church with a new passion in my heart and really try to get the most out of it before I headed off to Virginia Beach for summer project. And now I may not be there to do so.

Why?

Because I really don't think I want to go on summer project anymore.

I bet you didn't see that one coming.

I mean, I know I said 'I don't want to go on summer project' in the last chapter, but I didn't mean it.

This time, however, I do mean it. After all, there will be other summers for projects.

I think I want to stay here to establish residency and really start to get involved with ministries here. And when I was talking with Gretchen at the Figge's house a couple weeks ago she really got me excited for what Ute-Nited is doing and their goals and such. I would really like to help with its in-depth development. Spencer and I talked about it last night after we drove back to the dorms... what we want to see happening and reaching out and leadership and just all sorts of things. There's so much potential. We're already growing, and not just with believers, but with non-believers, too! My heart is pounding just thinking about it. I love this.

God certainly works in mysterious ways. I wonder how many times I've heard and said this. Yet each time I seem to realize that it's all the more true.


'Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.'
[Colossians 3:1-4]

......

Ch. Fifty-Eight, Part Two:

I truly hope you know the reference of my title. If not, please click here.

Ch. 57 - Trust God

I am so lonely.

That stupid tree thing is right.

I've felt like this for probably two weeks, too. It's not just me saying, "Hm. I thought I was kind of lonely - and since this says that I often am, I guess it's true." And it's not like I'm never around people or never do anything. I just feel alone. That's it.

I'm tired, too.

Tired of trying so hard.
Tired of feeling letdown.
Tired of feeling disliked.
Tired of being lectured.
Tired of feeling stupid.

I don't want to be in Utah.
I don't want to go on summer project.
I don't want to go to school.
I don't want to go to church.
I don't want to hang out with anyone.

I want to leave.
Travel the world.
I want to volunteer.
Work with my hands.
I want to speak عربي.
Learn from native speakers.

I want to disappear.

Not forever. Just for a bit.
Not to "find myself" - I'm not that cliché - but to do what I want.

My heart says, "Go."
I've had numerous conversations with people in regards to how what you feel you want, what your heart tells you, is God.

Is this so irrational?

I know you should honor God with your actions. Worship through living your life for Him without being afraid to give Him everything. Who says this couldn't be the greatest act of worship I could ever give Him? Disciples dropped everything for Jesus. Everything. They left their families. Their jobs. Their possessions. And for what reason? To follow Him. To learn. To love. To be loved. This is what I want and I feel, in turn, what He wants as well.


'... "Here am I. Send me!" '
[Isaiah 6:8]

Ch. 56 - Tree hugger? Not quite.

Each month our RA designs a bulletin board on our floor for either entertainment or educational purposes - sometimes combining the two. This month the bulletin board centers around individual's personalities based on when they were born - dates of birth are designated certain trees.

I am a poplar tree.

Not to be confused with popular... poplar.

People born between May 1 and May 14 are poplar trees. Apparently, these people tend to:

- look very decorative
- not be very self-confident
- be courageous only if necessary
- need goodwill and pleasant surroundings
- be very choosy
- be lonely often
- have great animosity
- have artistic natures
- be good organizers
- lean toward philosophy
- be reliable in any situation
- take partnership seriously

I would say these characteristics describe me very accurately. I'm not exactly sure about the looking very decorative, though... hm.

The funny thing is, I wouldn't have mentioned most of them to someone if they had come up to me and said, "Describe yourself."

The ones I would have used I bolded. It's just neat to see that once certain characteristics are presented to me I find that they do fit me, even though I wouldn't have thought of them in the first place... or even though I wish they weren't true.

But God made me as I am and I'm happy with knowing that.


Continuing with the tree theme...

'Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit.'
[Matthew 12:33]

Ch. 55 - It's the Simple Things

I received a box from home in the mail the other day. I wasn't expecting one because I had just received a box about a week prior to this one. This box contained two things: a pink t-shirt and my memory box. I called my mom to thank her for the box and asked her about the shirt; apparently it was one of my dad's white undershirts, and had accidentally been thrown in with our burgundy dining room tablecloth. It turned pink and neither my dad nor my brother would wear it, so mom sent it along to me! I love it. It smells like home.

I remember actually asking my mom if she would send my memory box, but didn't know if or when I would get it. My memory box contains things I randomly throw in there now and then. It's a tweed-covered box with seashell stickers and a cloth ribbon tie in the front. My friend Fabiola gave it to me when I was in eighth grade. I've got all kinds of things in there: cut-outs from magazines; letters and notes; lanyards, keychains and necklaces; a small hand-held game from McDonald's; a few pictures; a Neopets keychain [also from McDonald's, I believe]; two CDs from my Humanities class junior year; a few bracelets... and there's more.

Anyway, I look through my box a couple times each year and continue to add things to it, but each time I sift through its treasures I am completely surprised at what I find. I found the CDs at the bottom of the box and was so happy when I found them - I was actually just thinking about them the other day and had wished that I had them with me. I had completely forgotten that they were in my box! I was also happy to find the bracelets; I've got a WWJD? (What Would Jesus Do?) bracelet in there, a GOLF (God Offers Love and Forgiveness) bracelet, and a bracelet that says 'I've Got Jesus In My Heart' - which I found at 3:00 AM in my school while cleaning up after MoShow (a show choir competition that my high school hosts).

The WWJD? bracelet has paint splatters from a mission trip on it.

It is, quite possibly, my favorite thing in the world at this point in time.

Today's been a good day.


'My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long.'
[Psalm 71:8]

Ch. 54 - Perfect Timing

I went over to the prayer room this evening instead of going to The Mount. InterVarsity hosts these 24/7 Prayers; for one week they open up their house's prayer room for 24 hours, trying to have someone in the room praying... 24/7. IV did this last term and I really enjoyed it. After the 24/7 week the prayer room is open during the day. I've been a couple times since then - definitely not enough. I had actually signed up for a slot last Friday, but had gone to SugarHouse Park with Katie and Darcy to run and didn't return until after my time. Oops! David called me earlier this afternoon asking if I wanted to sign up for a new slot and told me of open times; I really wanted to go that evening, so that's exactly what I did!

And you know what?

That single hour of prayer was exactly what I needed. For the past few weeks I had felt as if I was drowning - but that prayer time was the burst of energy I needed to resurface, as well as the first gulp of fresh air. Beautiful.

I'm so grateful.

I also wanted to mention how encouraging it was to see that my dear friend, Abbie, read the note that I had made out of Ch. Fifty-Three (which I posted on Facebook). She noted it was one of three God surprises in her weekend and I was just happy that she's turning back to Jesus.

God works in wonderful ways.

I'm running, Abba. Here I come.


'Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God, the Maker of heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them - the Lord, who remains faithful forever.'
[Psalm 146:5-6]

Ch. 53 - My Jesus

'Have you ever thought about what Jesus looks like?
How does he act?
What is his attitude like?
How does he speak?
What does his voice sound like?'

These questions were presented to my Sunday school class a few years ago by our teachers, Gary and Larry (what a team).

We were told to simply close our eyes and picture Jesus in our minds. 'Have a conversation with him. Make mental notes of what you see, what you hear, what you, technically, come up with.'

The class shared with one another what they saw, speaking up if they felt like doing so.

There were some pretty interesting Jesuses out there.

There was a surf-bum Jesus.
A homeless Jesus.
A teenage Jesus.
A genie Jesus.
A zoologist Jesus.

These are among the most memorable Jesuses of the class.

As people started to share, I started to feel... uneasy. My Jesus wasn't as cool as everybody else's. We hadn't 'said' anything to each other. He didn't have anything really special about him. He was your stereotypical Jesus that you see in paintings and pictures - short beard, shoulder-length brown hair, semi-long robes wrapped around him. He was standing in front of me, arms outstretched. Yep, stereotypical down to the pose, even. But it was Jesus, and He was mine. There were two notable things, however, about the whole 'imagine your Jesus' experience.

One, my Jesus was wearing tennis shoes.
Two, what I kept focusing on in my mind were His hands.

I put tennis shoes on my Jesus because I figured it'd be easier for Him to get around than when wearing sandals. I mean, it's Jesus - He's got things to do... places to go, people to see, sermons to preach, and parables to explain. I also like the idea of running with Jesus. I think He'd make the best workout partner in the world.

The reason I mentioned Jesus' hands is because for the longest time, I've always thought about them. I couldn't tell you why. Whenever I see pictures of Jesus my eyes go straight to the hands. More often than not they are beautiful. They look soft and smooth, very gentle. But my Jesus' hands are not. They are rough and worn, strong and scarred. He was, after all, a carpenter before He began His ministry. Think about everything He did with those hands. He smeared mud on blind men's eyes, so that they could see. He touched the leper and made him clean again. He wrote in the dust and dirt. He broke bread and gave it to His disciples. His hands were nailed to the cross as part of paying for our sins; later they were shown to Thomas as proof that He did what He said he would do, pushing aside all doubt.

In my mind, my Jesus' hands are more beautiful than the 'perfect' hands of portrait Jesuses.

The reason I wrote this post was because today I let my Bible fall open and it came to Isaiah; the first chapter I saw was 53, so that's where I started my reading. I would like to share the chapter with you. It's a long one, but it's really very lovely.

'Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the
Lord been revealed?
He grew up before him like a tender
shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract
us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we
should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with
suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their
faces
he was despised, and we esteemed
him not.

Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our
transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities,
then punishment that brought us peace
was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers
is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.
By oppression and judgment he was
taken away.
And who can speak of his
descendants?
For he was cut off from the land of the
living;
for the transgression of my people
he was stricken.
He was assigned a grave with the
wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.

Yet it was the Lord's will to crush him
and cause him to suffer,
and though the Lord makes his life
a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong
his days,
and the will of the Lord will prosper
in his hand.
After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light of life, and be
satisfied;
by his knowledge my righteous
servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.
Therefore I will give him a portion
among the great,
and he will divide the spoils with the
strong,
because he poured out his life unto
death,
and was numbered with the
transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the
transgressors.'
[Isaiah 53]


'He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.'
[Isaiah 53:2b]

The prophet Isaiah noted that there was nothing physically attractive about Jesus. Yet people flocked to him in droves, following him and telling others about him. This wonderful man, this Messiah - come to save the nations - was one of the most interesting, mystifying, loving men the world has ever known. What do you expect with the Son of God, though, right? I think his love for everybody is what attracted most people, whether they realized that is up in the air.

To this very day, Jesus' love for me is what holds me together. It keeps me coming back for more. And every day I learn something new about my Jesus.

Ch. 52 - Restless

I can't sleep.

As has been the case for the past three weeks or so.

I have basically become nocturnal. I sleep during the day when I don't have class, and do all my work throughout the night and early morning. I mean, I do try to sleep at night... it just doesn't happen! I may sleep for an hour or so, but then I'll wake up and won't be able to fall asleep. It's not like I don't do anything during the day to make me tired. I'm going, going, going nowadays what with swimming and such. And now that the daylight hours are increasing and the temperatures are rising, I'm out walking or running more - which I've been looking forward to doing for a very long time now.

I think part of it all is that my mind is constantly stimulated; I have so many thoughts running through my head all the time. I don't mind, really, but at times it can be tiring. I really want to get back to normal sleeping patterns. Hopefully I can really focus on doing so next week during spring break.

...

Nothing has changed since the last chapter.

You know, I couldn't even pray today. I tried and I just sort of went afkdjsalrfoeawjfkdasl. I couldn't get my thoughts straight, I could barely even speak. Thus I wrote my prayers instead. Doing so helped a bit, but I still wasn't really there, if you know what I mean.

Discouraging.

But God will lift me up when the time is right.


'Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.'
[Philippians 4:6]

Ch. 51 - Standstill

Sometimes you come to a point in your life and you just stop. Right where you are, you come to a standstill. It's not like your entire life is put on hold; perhaps only a small part of your life is affected. You may or may not appreciate this pause in whatever aspect of your life, but regardless of your level of appreciation, it happens.

I'm at one of those standstills right now in regards to my faith journey.

Again.

I thought I had just started advancing from one of these standstills - only to come to a complete halt once more.

It's just wearing me down to nothing.

I'm tired.

I'm distant.

And not just from God - but from family and friends, too.

The worst is feeling far from God. I need Him so badly.

He is my Everything.

I'm at a loss, here. I don't know what to do anymore.

Heavenly Father, please help me.


'Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.'
[Psalm 42:5-6a]

Ch. 50 - Not Just a Holiday

I thank God every day for my family, including my family here in Salt Lake. I don't think I have ever realized the full value of friendship until I moved here. I know I've written in regards to friends and such before, but I don't think anybody will ever fully know how grateful I am that God has placed them in my life.

It's incomprehensible when I think about how much God loves me.

God loves everybody.

Everybody.

But I like to be prideful about the fact that He loves me.

'Well whaddya know? God loves me so much that He provided me with a beautiful sunset to view as I take an evening walk. Thanks, Big Guy.'

'Thank you, Lord, for loving me so much that you give me laughter and joy through people like Darcy and Katie when I'm feeling down.'

'I can't believe God loves me so much that He would open up my heart after years of turning away. Thank you, thank you, thank you, my beautiful God.'

I have so much to be thankful for - and even though I take so much for granted, God still loves me.


' "Praise be to you, O Lord, God of our father Israel, from everlasting to everlasting. Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, O lord is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all. Wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things. In your hands are strength and power to exalt and give strength to all. Now, our God, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name." '
[1 Chronicles 29:11-13]

Ch. 49 - It's All Good

I really just don't have much to say at this point in time.

I'm good.
God is good.
Family is good.
Friends are good.

I love this.

Love this.

I'm complaisant... but complacent.

I don't want to be complacent, though. And I'm complacent in a non-faith aspect. I'm at a standstill in my faith. I'm starting to simply go through the motions. I need to change that.

But I'm still good.


'If they obey and serve him, they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity and their years in contentment.'
[Job 36:11]

Ch. 48 - A Feel Good Feeling

Laughter is magical.


'Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?" Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.'
[Psalm 4:7]

Ch. 47 - OT vs NT

Our God is good.
Our God is gracious.
Our God is righteous.
Our God is merciful.

In the Old Testament of the Bible punishment for sin is a major theme.

We see the wrath of our God.

But in the New Testament of the Bible forgiveness of sin is a major theme.

We see the love of our God.

It's just interesting to see how the nature of God does not change over time, although His mind can change.


' "I will punish the world for its evil, the wicked for their sins. I will put an end to the arrogance of the haughty and will humble the pride of the ruthless." '
[Isaiah 13:11]

'If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.'
[1 John 1:9]

Ch. 46 - Move, Mountain!

I've decided to use a devotional as a cop-out, if you will, for today's 'chapter.' I received this in my mail today and it was really a blessing. It definitely spoke to me... I know that God wants me to overcome this obstacle. Not just step around it, dig under it, or backtrack to find another way to advance in my walk - but to completely soar over the hurdle that's right in front of me. I will ask for God's strength to do so, but I realize that this one's up to me. I can't be afraid anymore. I'm going to have to throw the first punch again - but this time I'm not holding back, because I finally don't care that my mountain will definitely hit me in return.

Speak to Your Mountain

' "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him." '
[Mark 11:23]

"Talk to mountains? Do you think I'm crazy?" Jesus talked to things, and taught that 'anyone' could also speak to mountains. A mountain is primarily any obstacle that stands in your way. Faced with obstacles, most Christians pray to God. But Jesus told us to speak directly to the obstacle and tell it to be removed.

There is nothing wrong with discussing things with God. You should. But when something is blocking your progress, Jesus said you should tell it to get out of the way. Most Christians just speak to God about the mountain, instead of following Jesus' directions and speaking directly to the mountain.

Are you just talking to God about the problems in your life, instead of talking directly to the problems and telling them to be removed?

'He replied, "Because you have so little faith, I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." ' [Matthew 17:20]

According to Jesus, unbelief keeps us from speaking to our mountains. What is the mountain in your life? What stands in the way of your progress? What holds you back from going forward and fulfilling God's plan?

Speak God's Word to that mountain! Speak to the devil and his forces and tell them to get out of your affairs. Speak to sickness and tell it that it can't stay in your body. Speak to debt and financial lack and tell them to be removed from your life. Speak to doubt, fear and worry and tell them to be gone.

If you say, "I just can't believe it would do any good for me to talk to problems," that's why you still have them.

Read what Jesus said again, and again, then say this: "I will speak to the mountains that try to hold me back."

Ch. 45 - Note for the Future

As I was cleaning out my desk today, I found something I had written for Shawn awhile ago. We had been talking about going into youth ministry and our love for youth and such - but Shawn couldn't help but admit that she didn't particularly care for certain youth... notedly sixth grade boys. They're annoying. They're pubescent. They're obnoxious. They're roughhousers. They're sixth. grade. boys. Enough said.

Here's what I had written:

'If God can love all of us - sinners, murderers, adulterers, thieves, etc. - there's no reason we should not be able to love sixth grade boys.'

Because we are loved, we can love. We can love everybody. And not just pretend to love - but truly, honestly love. With sincerity. [Romans 12:9] That's what God wants of us, after all.


'Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God.'
[1 Peter 1:22-23]

Ch. 44 - Don't Give Up

Today was magnificent. I attribute it to running and working out at four in the morning - as has been the pattern for the pasts two weeks, but for some reason it was really super today - a really fun swing class, the warm weather, hanging out with the ever-lovely Kastin Frostl, receiving the box my parents sent me, and finally feeling close to God again. I simply felt happy all day. For the past few weeks I had felt like I had tripped and fallen, not able to pick myself back up. But today I did just that.

God reveals Himself to me at the most unexpected of times.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I had just sat down to read for a bit and let my Bible fall open; this psalm was the first entire psalm of the pages it fell to:


'The heavens declare the Glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his
hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display
knowledge.
There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.

In the heavens he has pitched a tent for
the sun,
which is like a bridegroom coming
forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his
course.
It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.

The law of the Lord is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the Lord are
trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
The precepts of the Lord are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.
The fear of the Lord is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the Lord are sure
and altogether righteous.
They are much more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the comb.
By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great
reward.

Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
Keep our servant also from willful
sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.

May the words of my mouth and the
meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.'
[Psalm 19]

Perfect.

Ch. 43 - By the way...

I just thought I'd let you know that I love you.

I've been thinking about and studying love for the past couple of weeks - really delving into what it is, what it encompasses, what the Bible says about it...

And all I want to do right now is love.

Love you.

Love God.

Love my noisy, country music-lovin' next door neighbor.

Love the man who carries all of his possessions onto TRAX.

Love the old lady who told Anita and I we couldn't go inside her apartment building.

Just... love.

It's important to me right now.


' "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you..." '
[Matthew 5:43-44]

... I wonder what people would do or say if I were to tell them I loved them - even if I don't know them that well or haven't spoken to them for awhile. ...

Ch. 42 - Together

I couldn't tell you how many times I've heard that 'we' - believers - are the body of Christ.

Have you ever wondered what body part you would be? I've been doing some thinking about just that lately, and I've come to believe that I am the ears and feet of Christ. I listen. I want to go, travel to places that have not heard the Word. Perhaps the arms, too, or the hands - I like to reach out... do things... work with my hands: Build houses. Clean up. Give. I mean, that's what I want to do, after all. Work for God. Serve Him. Help His people.

And I finally know that it's not just what I want. Someone else is pulling me in that direction.

If we were to come together, work together... imagine what we could do. I get emotional every time I think about it. That doesn't happen often with me. I don't let my tears flow freely. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. I do more so nowadays than before, but even still. By working together we will build up the body of Christ. People will come to know God like never before. Many people are meant to do great things, they just don't always know it. Things for others, for God. So take the first step, whatever it may be. I can't tell you. It's up to God. Trust in Him, have faith, and see what happens.


'... to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.'
[Ephesians 4:12-13]

Ch. 41 - God Equips Us

I was reading on CARM (Christian Apologetics and Research Ministry) yesterday and noticed they had an evangelism tab. For some reason, I couldn't recall seeing it before. So I thought I'd check it out - seeing how I'm going on an evangelism trip this summer and all, you know. Ha.

I did a bit of exploration, and found something I really liked. It's called the Roman Road. It takes you through the gospel of Jesus Christ in a few verses of Romans.

Romans 3:10: 'As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one..." '
Romans 3:23: '... for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God... '
Romans 5:12: ' Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned - '
Romans 6:23: 'For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.'
Romans 5:8: 'But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.'
Romans 10:9: 'That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.'
Romans 10:10: 'For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.'
Romans 10:13: '... for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." '

Ch. 40 - The Great Commission

I've been accepted to the Virginia Beach Student Venture summer project!

You have no idea how excited I am for this summer. It should be amazing.

I'll be in Virginia Beach from June 1 until August 12. I'll spend the month of May at home in Cedar Rapids, Iowa and head back to Iowa after August 12 for a week or so before I have to be back in Utah for school.

Gah. There's so much I wanted to do this summer. I had made quite the list, actually. Summer project was at the top of the list, though, so I can't wait to head out and see what God has in store for me.

Something in my heart tells me that this is going to be huge for me.

Huge.


'Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nation, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." '
[Matthew 28:18-20]

These verses are what Campus Crusade for Christ emphasizes for summer projects.

Ch. 39 - Letting Go

Last night Zach and I went on an adventure. I had tried to sleep - I felt so tired. I tried going to bed early, really worked on calming my mind down, even read an incredibly boring book - but, as has been the pattern for the past week and a half, I couldn't fall asleep. So I started calling around (it was only about 9:45 or so), but people were either already out and about or didn't answer. Then I called Zach and he wasn't doing anything, so I headed over. We hung out for a bit, he got on the topic of Jordan, and showed me some of the things he has that remind him of her. His second book that he made her, pictures, a teddy bear. Things like that. He wanted to get rid of some of it, so we went on a hike on a trail behind the HC and Benchmark to burn the book and some pictures. It was a pretty nice night. The trail was a bit slippery and the snow was deep here and there, but it was fun. It was his last good-bye, basically. Good for him.

It can be hard to do things like that. You have to realize that it's time to take action. You have to be ready. You have to know that it's time to move on.

That it's time to live again.

Without that dead weight on your shoulders.
Without worry.
Without stress.
Without everything from the past that holds you down.

But with a new hope in your heart.
With love.
With patience.
With the knowledge that God has you in His hands.

Give it all to God. Lay everything at the foot of the cross.

That's what I'm learning. And it's a great lesson. Last night reminded me of that.


' "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." '
[Matthew 11:28-30]

Yep. Rocking the Matthew, indeed.

Ch. 38 - 24 Prayers

Today was a full day of prayer. Once an hour, for twenty-four hours, I set ten minutes aside to pray. I've had such trouble sleeping these past few days, basically not sleeping at all, so I figured why not use those hours for something other than reading, doing homework, and running? So from 5:00 PM yesterday to 5:00 PM today, I prayed once an hour. I've done these days of prayer before, but it had never been as meaningful or beautiful. I didn't take as much time to listen to God so much as I took time to simply talk to Him, and that was okay. Truly okay.

God talks to me and helps me when I talk to Him, holding nothing back but technically not asking for anything specific, as He does when I do just that. He guides me through my own thoughts as I pray and I can feel my heart swell and beat with the Holy Spirit.

That's probably my favorite feeling in the world.

Followed up by the feeling of adrenaline racing through my veins - especially when going fast. That's right. Just... fast.]

Favorites, favorites, favorites. I could talk about favorite things, people, activities, foods, discussion topics, places... you name it... for hours.

It's just neat that as today has run its course, I've come to realize that this day of 24 prayers is going to become one of my favorite things to do. Lovely.


' "And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." '
[Matthew 6:5-6]

I am a hypocrite.

Ch. 37 - Touched

I've lost count of how many times God has touched my heart these past few months. I say only these past few months because never before them had I felt anything... from Him. As much as I don't like to admit it now, God simply was not in my life until the midpoint of last term. Why exactly then everything changed, I don't know. I don't care. Things started to happen, I started to become a different person. God was now a part of my life. And I couldn't be happier about it. Sure, I was raised in a Christian home with God-loving parents. I went to service. I taught Sunday school. I went on mission trips. I sang in the choir - well, when I felt like it, at least - and rang in the handbell choir (which I miss more than you can imagine). Wasn't very much interested in youth group at times, but still made appearances every now and then. My church in Iowa has a very large congregation. But I was known. I was liked. Loved. And I loved right back.

The only problem was, I was only following the second greatest commandment - not the first.

That's changed now. Praise God, that's changed.


'Jesus replied:" 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment." '
[Matthew 22:37]

Ch. 36 - What I Found Out

I almost didn't go to the Figge's last night. I didn't know who was going to be there other than Darcy, Matt and Spencer. I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know what I was going to be asked - because with David Figge, there are always questions. Always. This is not a bad thing, it's just that sometimes they're so difficult, I don't even know what to think. So I don't. Or sometimes I have no views or opinions on anything, so I remain silent. Or sometimes I do, but either a) somebody else says exactly what I want to say or what I'm thinking, or b) the conversation is dominated and I don't feel like I am able to get a word in - or that my word is 'worthy' enough of the conversation.

But I went.

There were more people there than I had hoped there would be, but that was perfectly fine.

Dinner was wonderful (Gretchen truly is a very good cook, just like she said). Then came the first question.

What is your biggest fear?

The first thing that came to mind was feeling the loss of God (then getting hit by a car in a crosswalk, because I'm ridiculous). So we start going around, stating our answers, and who else but Mr. Spencer Young, sitting right next to me, said that he was most afraid of feeling the loss of God. Great. Thanks, Spence. That was alright, though. That wouldn't have been my answer a few months ago. I don't know what I would have said - probably something like, "My biggest fear is being lonely for the rest of my life." You know, something cliché and often said.

Next came a question I should have expected - or at least could have thought about and then expected.

What is your passion? ... And it couldn't have anything to do with faith, God, Christianity, etc.

Honestly, I have never, ever thought about what my passion is. I thought it was going to be difficult to answer the question, but I realized that once I just focused and really thought about it, my answers came to mind very quickly - before David asked Jackie to give her example, even. When it was my turn, I said the first three things that had come to my mind:

Art history.
Writing.
Helping people.

I used to love art. Love art. I loved to look at it, contemplate it, create it. I could always be found drawing something or at the very least doodling on my homework, and I really enjoyed painting. Then one day I just lost interest. Sometimes though I'll spend a whole day just sketching and drawing, listening to music... maybe once every couple of months or so. My junior year in high school I took humanities with Mr. Kern. He was the toughest teacher I had during those four years, but I learned so much. Not just how to write proper MLA papers, or analyze literature, or recognize the differences between baroque and romantic styles of music. He taught me how to be passionate about something. He helped me... and all of his students... learn how to live and love life. So over the course of the year he taught me to not just love art, but appreciate it. You would think that by loving art you would automatically appreciate it, or at least appreciate it before you love it... but that wasn't the case with me. I love researching paintings, photographs, sculptures, and learning what went into those works of art. What was the artist like? How did they develop their style? What was their inspiration for it all? The sad thing is, this truly is a passion of mine - but you wouldn't guess it by talking to me or observing my lifestyle. I don't act upon it. I don't help the passion grow. It's more like a secret passion, I guess. For my enjoyment when I feel that spark and take time to follow it.

I've always enjoyed writing. Writing is, quite possibly, the one thing I pride myself on. This 'blog' writing is really nothing special. Everything I write is just raw thought. I save my writing, my real writing, you could call it, for myself. Sometimes I'll write a story and give it to someone because the main character is based off of them, or I'll share a poem with someone who I know will appreciate, relate to, or understand it. But for the most part I write simply to write. I have my spiritual journal, my stories and poems journal, this, and my everything else journal. I kept a prayer journal for a while, maybe two months starting last October. Soon I realized I didn't need to. Everyone and everything I prayed for - requests, hopes, unsaid requests (that's a chapter in itself for another day) - it was all in my heart and mind. I make those lists in my mind and I go through them daily. I add to them. I edit them (based on answers to prayer and such). Prayer is so huge for me, that I don't need a list on a page to remind me to pray, and for who or what. Could it possibly be a part of intercession?

Wow, what a tangent!

Going to my third passion, helping people. I can't describe what I feel about helping others. When I do something for someone else, I simply feel happy. Sometimes there is just nothing better than knowing you've helped someone, made a difference in their lives, made a positive impact on them. It's wonderful. I often have this longing... this deep, aching in my heart, to just go out and help people. Go out and do what, exactly, I don't know. But to just put myself out there, ready to help - ready to serve. And all for the glory of God. Help people. That's what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to travel and reach out. I want to stay where I am and reach out. I want to grow by helping others grow. I want to take care of people. I want to feed them. Give them clothes. Provide shelter. I want to do it all. I know I may not be able to, but why not aim high? I can't wait to see where God puts me and what He does through me.

I don't think I had truly thought about any of that until last night. It's funny how much you can learn about yourself in such a short amount of time.

What I enjoyed most about last night, however, was the fact that God spoke to me through both Gretchen and David. I had the most wonderful talk with Gretchen - for a good two hours or so - while the rest of the group was engaged in their own conversation and discussion. I really needed that. It seems nowadays I don't carry conversations with people as much as I used to. I feel kind of distant from... everything. Everyone. I need to reconnect. Anyway, David brought up good points of taking risks while living as Christians - sort of living on the edge, but not in sin - as well as running to God. Both of these things have been on my mind a lot recently, so it was great to hear what he had to say.

I learned a lot last night. I had a lovely time with lovely people. And I got to eat food that wasn't made in the HC. Beautiful.


'But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.'
[1 John 1:7]

Ch. 35 - Joyful

Last night was beautiful. I was just so... happy.

God's presence was overwhelming.

I don't think I've ever laughed or smiled so much in such a seemingly short amount of time (about two hours).

I don't know.

There was just something last night... it was very special.

That Ute-Nited was for me.

Thanks, God.


'Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The Lord has done great things for them." '
[Psalm 126:2]

Ch. 34 - Hide and Seek

I did a bit of reminiscing of my childhood [in Alabama] today. I remembered my best friend, Anna, who lived next door, moved to Texas, and then came back a couple years later - much to my joy. I thought about my other next door neighbor, Tamara, and how we would sneak up into her grandparent's fruit garden in their backyard and pick plums to snack on... and then find the occasional napping 'possum family. I remembered practicing tumbling and dance routines in our backyard. In my mind I revisited the enormous wooden playground (Kid's Kingdom) on my bike, then went back down to our street, passing our house and going straight to the cul-de-sac. I stopped at a house to look at the wooly, black caterpillars that, for some reason I still have not figured out, always seemed to accumulate on that particular house's driveway in droves.

You know what I thought about most, though?

Hide and seek.

Hide and seek has always, always, always been my favorite game. And when I say game, I mean it's my favorite of all games: outdoor games, group games, games, board games - you name it - nothing compares to hide and seek in my book. I will never tire of playing it. I played the game so many times as a child that looking back, it was probably ridiculous... and I will continue to play it for so many years in the future that it will be ridiculous at those points in time. I simply love it. I also enjoy Sardines, the 'backwards' version of it. You know, where one person hides and as people look for that person and find them they stay in that spot. Genius.

As I thought about this game and how it brings such great happiness to me - probably more happiness than it should, actually - I started thinking... lately, I've been playing a constant game of hide and seek. It's a really twisted version, though, even more so than Sardines. This is how you play:

First of all, it's a two-player game. Second, there aren't really any rules. You hide. Then, when you get bored or want something new and exciting, or perhaps you get scared, you go look for the player who is actually supposed to be looking for you. You find them, everything is good, and then it's the other player's turn to hide, right? Wrong. You're selfish. You want another turn to hide. Maybe you're too lazy to try and find them - it's easier to hide. Or perhaps you simply want to play a different version so you start all over and have to show them how things are done - and this time there are rules, your rules.

What happens when the other player is God?

That's how I feel, as if I'm playing Hide and seek with Him. I feel so distant - but it's my own fault. I'm hiding. I know God will pursue me, but that doesn't mean I can't make the effort to reciprocate, assuming He'll find me. The thing is, though, you really can't hide from God. I mean, it is God we're talking about, after all. When I do decide to make the effort to find Him - even though He was never hiding - I come out of my own hiding spot and return to Him. And that's great - but I should never have been hiding in the first place, neither consciously nor subconsciously. Because I admit that sometimes I do, indeed, put God out of my mind knowing right well what I'm doing.

I'm just thankful that I have a God who loves me no matter what and will take me back into His loving arms at no cost.


The only verses that come to me tonight are these - they may or may not work with what I'm saying, but the first has the word hidden! So it goes with the theme of hide and seek, and that's good enough for me.

'... "There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will be made known." ' ... ' "And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered." '
[Matthew 10:26,30]